The Onion : How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad?

Sweeney: I’m struggling with the fact that I get so much hate when Chester Cheetah can do whatever he wants.

What is your political affiliation?

Honestly, I prefer to keep my desire to make America great again private.

What’s your stance on white supremacy?

I’m okay with it if it’s done tastefully.

What’s your favorite thing about Scooter Braun?

I love how he’s always pushing me to be a worse version of myself.

What’s next for your career?

I’ll either take a short break or drive my car into a storefront.

What do you have to say to those who have recently criticized you?

Have fun in the camps.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion : How do you feel your campaign has been going so far?

Cuomo: I haven’t really been following it.

The Onion : What is your biggest political weakness?

Cuomo: Name recognition.

The Onion : You’ve allegedly been coordinating with President Trump. How did the two of you come into contact?

Cuomo: Our hands met while rubbing the same female staffer’s lower back.

The Onion : As mayor, what would be the most important areas to focus on first?

Cuomo: Her hips, and then her thighs.

The Onion : What is your vision for the future of New York?

Cuomo: My personal necropolis. A charnel city of the damned. The bloodstained throne from which I shall tame death herself.

The Onion : What advice would you give young people interested in politics?

Cuomo: Always be empathetic, resilient, and the child of a governor.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Andrew Cuomo appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion: Why did you create your show Songs For Littles?

Ms. Rachel: I figured if that dipshit Blippi could make it big, anyone could.

The Onion: What song do children love most?

Ms. Rachel: “Toxicity” by System of a Down.

The Onion: What inspired you to speak out about Gaza?

Ms. Rachel: While I’ve enjoyed a great deal of success, my real dream has always been getting called an “antisemitic cunt” online.

The Onion: What’s the biggest advantage of creating content for babies?

Ms. Rachel: They can’t leave death threats in the comments. 

The Onion: Any fun stories from the set?

Ms. Rachel: One day, no matter how many times I tried, I just couldn’t count to four correctly. Turns out, I was having a stroke.

The Onion: What do you say to children who recognize you in public?

Ms. Rachel: Don’t touch the overalls.

The Onion: What do you say to your critics?

Ms. Rachel: Good luck potty training your child without me.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel appeared first on The Onion.


The Onion: What was the creative impetus for this record?

Gaga: I have always been fascinated by the concept of dancing around on stage in an insane hat. 

The Onion: How do you keep your voice in such great shape after all these years?

Gaga: Every six months I undergo a transplant of fresh vocal cords harvested from a young L.A. vagrant.

The Onion: Were you bothered by the negative reaction to Joker: Folie à Deux?

Gaga: No, as I’ve gotten older and more mature I’ve learned to accept when something is just an irredeemable piece of shit.

The Onion: Who are your biggest style influences?

Gaga: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark and Flik from A Bug’s Life. 

The Onion: What keeps you up at night?

Gaga: The threat of a 10% tariff on latex. 

The Onion: Why do you call your fans “little monsters”?

Gaga: I find each and every one a threat to my personal safety.

The Onion: After our last interview, you borrowed some Tupperware to take home leftovers from the photo shoot. Can we have it back?

Gaga: No, sorry. I’m using it to hold soil and oats for cultivating mealworms.

The Onion: What’s next for you?

Gaga: I’m going to find out where electricity comes from.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Lady Gaga appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion: What advice do you have for those visiting Chicago this week?
Johnson: Please take your shoes off when visiting our city. The carpet is new. 

The Onion: What is your most proud accomplishment since you became mayor?
Johnson: I successfully negotiated to keep my AT&T home internet bill at the introductory rate for another year.

The Onion: What is your favorite thing about Chicago?
Johnson: I really love that it is only two hours from Milwaukee.

The Onion: Do you think The Bear provided an accurate depiction of Chicago?”
Johnson: Chicago residents get screamed at by Jamie Lee Curtis way more often.

The Onion: How are you addressing the migrant crisis?
Johnson: I hired a guy to tamper with Greg Abbott’s buses so they break down in Missouri.

The Onion: What’s something that has surprised you during your time as mayor?
Johnson: Apparently Chicago isn’t the capital of Illinois, which still feels so fucked up to me.

The Onion: What motivates you?
Johnson: Knowing that I’m the mayor and if I don’t go to work, they’ll write about it in the paper.

The Onion: We have a message for you from the teachers’ union: “The raven lands at midnight.”
Johnson: Oh dear God, no, not yet, they told me I had more time!

The Onion: Where should DNC tourists go while they’re here? 
Johnson: Definitely check out the basement where Barack Obama smoked weed for the first time then freaked out and tried to take his shirt off, and then threw up in the shirt.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson appeared first on The Onion.