Vol 61: Issue 46 Archives - The Onion

Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S.

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 15:46:14 +0000

A record 40% of American women aged 15–44 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice the share of men, due to a lack of faith in national institutions stemming from Donald Trump’s presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?

“I hear abroad is nice this time of year.”
Carrie Sharpe, Systems Analyst

“Fine. More discrimination for me.”
Gerard Osgood, Retired Jogger

“They’ll come running back when they see how much we’re spending on AI.”
Scott Bleakley, Fleece Softener

The post Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S. appeared first on The Onion.

‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 17:33:27 +0000

Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the female’s face, prompting comparisons to a Satanic figure. What do you think?

“Why do people see little horns and leap to ‘devil’ instead of ‘juvenile gazelle?’”
Andre Livingston, Tortilla Presser

“This is making me insecure about my horns.”
Prudence Cole, Lecture Auditor

“Huh. I didn’t realize bees had started a war against heaven.”
Glen Begley, Uplighting Specialist

The post ‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia appeared first on The Onion.

Kourtney Kardashian Casually Mentions She Passed Bar Just Fine

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 17:27:17 +0000

The post Kourtney Kardashian Casually Mentions She Passed Bar Just Fine appeared first on The Onion.

Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 16:47:33 +0000

The post Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple appeared first on The Onion.

Cynthia Erivo Disappointed To Discover All Her ‘Wicked: For Good’ Scenes Cut

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Admitting she felt “a little silly” after getting all dressed up for the premiere, Cynthia Erivo told reporters Friday she was disappointed after discovering that all her scenes from Wicked: For Good had been cut. “It’s definitely a bit of a letdown, but at least I had fun and got paid,” said Erivo, who divulged that it wasn’t until the credits rolled that she realized not a single one of the scenes she had spent weeks filming had made it into the blockbuster sequel’s final cut. “Directors always have to make these hard decisions, and I guess at the end of the day, Elphaba was more of a side character. Oh well. There will always be other opportunities. I just wish I hadn’t told so many people I was going to be in the film.” Erivo went on to say she was finding solace in the fact friend Ariana Grande’s part had also been cut.

The post Cynthia Erivo Disappointed To Discover All Her ‘Wicked: For Good’ Scenes Cut appeared first on The Onion.

Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi’s Career

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

After decades in the House of Representatives, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced she will not seek reelection next year. The Onion looks back at the former House speaker’s life and career.

1940

Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm.

1961

Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural ball after begging dad to spring for VIP meet-and-greet passes.

1994–1997

The Lost Years.

1999

First and last time an intern gets her lunch order wrong.

2007

Remains seated during State of Union speech while George W. Bush nearly chokes to death on pretzel.

2010

Rallies House Democrats to pass legislation that controversially benefits Americans.

2019

Purposefully gives Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wrong directions to congressional hearing room.

Jan. 5, 2021

Goes to work in a shit-free office.

2023

BLM tattoo removed.

2027

Suddenly bad at stock trading.

The post Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi’s Career appeared first on The Onion.

Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee

The Onion Staff — Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

SEATTLE—In an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment Friday like a racist Walgreens employee making sure a customer wasn’t going to steal anything. “That asshole thinks he’s being discreet, but I can see him staring at me as though I just pocketed an $8 deodorant,” Rice said of the 3-year-old cat, who trailed him through the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom, peeking around corners so as not to let the man out of his sight for one minute. “I could feel him singling me out the moment I walked through the door. I took one step toward the cabinet where I keep the treats, and I saw him lurching towards me. It’s a little messed up, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t used to it.” According to reports, when Rice headed toward the exit, the cat placed one paw on his leg as if he were an irate security guard demanding a customer empty his pockets.

The post Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee appeared first on The Onion.

New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think?

“An intermediary between me and God? What am I, a Papist?”
Laura Grigg, Kiln Supervisor

“I accept Jesus into my hard drive.”
Hakim Washington, Chess Commentator

“I’m not big on technology, but I do love false idols.”
Danny Ezzo, Needle Threader

The post New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 20:38:16 +0000

Sydney Sweeney, star of the new boxing film Christy, is once again at the center of controversy after the biopic flopped at the box office. The Onion sat down with Sweeney to discuss art, dating, and handling criticism.

The Onion : How are you dealing with the backlash to your jeans ad?

Sweeney: I’m struggling with the fact that I get so much hate when Chester Cheetah can do whatever he wants.

What is your political affiliation?

Honestly, I prefer to keep my desire to make America great again private.

What’s your stance on white supremacy?

I’m okay with it if it’s done tastefully.

What’s your favorite thing about Scooter Braun?

I love how he’s always pushing me to be a worse version of myself.

What’s next for your career?

I’ll either take a short break or drive my car into a storefront.

What do you have to say to those who have recently criticized you?

Have fun in the camps.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sydney Sweeney appeared first on The Onion.

‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 19:42:22 +0000

WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to wail “No! Not Larry Summers!” on Thursday. “Oh please God, not Bill Clinton’s treasury secretary Larry Summers!” said visibly distraught Iowa resident Carrie Pritchard, who echoed the sentiment of all 340 million Americans upon seeing multiple emails that showed the former Harvard University president had regularly corresponded with Epstein. “I feel so lost! Who am I supposed to turn to for insight on the role of regulation in the derivatives market now? It must be some kind of mistake. Are we sure the emails weren’t from someone with a similar name? I just can’t believe a man who was once a leader at the World Bank would do something so terrible.” According to reports, the nation was soon dealt another unimaginable blow when additional emails revealed billionaire Peter Thiel had also corresponded with Epstein.

The post ‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation appeared first on The Onion.

Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 19:37:37 +0000

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing more than 20,000 pages of documents from the estate of Jeffrey Epstein, some of which raised questions about the extent of the president’s relationship with the convicted sex offender, Donald Trump on Thursday downplayed his name appearing in Epstein’s correspondence by saying it only proved he was one of the most emailed-about men in history. “MSN, Gmail, Yahoo—my name is popping up everywhere,” said Trump, assuring journalists that a 2019 email in which Epstein claimed he “knew about the girls” did nothing but demonstrate that he had been written about in thousands upon thousands more emails than former presidents Barack Obama and Joe Biden. “Hardly an email goes by these days without a mention of Trump in it, and it’s been that way for a very long time. Barron [Trump] is fantastic at cyber, and he tells me that even the late, great Dale Earnhardt wasn’t emailed about as much as me. They’re doing CC, they’re doing BCC, and it’s all about Trump. You look around your inbox, folks, you check your spam folder, and you’ll see that I’m there, and that’s something we’re very proud of.” Trump criticized renewed calls to release the Epstein files in full, arguing they would only prove he had appeared in more photographs, videos, client lists, nondisclosure agreements, and victim testimonies than anyone else in the world.

The post Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 18:44:17 +0000

BOULDER, CO—Stressing that it represented an ideal opportunity to see one of nature’s greatest wonders, scientists at the NOAA Space Weather Prediction Center confirmed Thursday that the aurora borealis would be visible on Google Images tonight. “For this entire evening, the northern lights will be observable to the naked eye simply by walking to your computer, opening up a browser, and searching the phrase ‘aurora borealis’ in Google,” said National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration spokesperson Dr. Colin Byrne, adding that the magnificent pinks, crimsons, and deep greens of the geomagnetic storm could be easily seen by looking at an iPad, a laptop, or any other device upon which Google Search is available. “While some photos may show cloud cover or appear dull and gray, the addition of search terms to read ‘northern lights amazing’ or ‘aurora borealis Iceland 4K’ will reveal the astonishing display in its full glory. If you’re still having trouble seeing things, try using your phone to take a photo of the web results. Then you can just zoom in to get a better view of this natural phenomenon.” Byrne added that this was also the perfect time of year to search for a YouTube video of the Perseids.

The post Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight appeared first on The Onion.