Parenting Archives - The Onion

MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 16:23:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Warning that the film might evoke certain feelings that audience members weren’t prepared to confront, the Motion Picture Association reportedly assigned Zootopia 2 a PG-13 rating Tuesday for sexually awakening content. “We were quite alarmed by the places we found our thoughts drifting to, and we’re confident the majority of Zootopia 2 viewers will agree,” said MPA spokesperson Richard Weir, who cited Cape buffalo Chief Bogo’s broad shoulders, red fox Nick Wilde’s dreamy gaze, and rabbit Judy Hopps’ “whole deal, from her head to that irresistible little tail,” all as reasons behind the higher-than-expected rating. “We warned Disney not to put Nick Wilde in a tux, but they didn’t listen. Frankly, if we hadn’t gone to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on our faces halfway through, it would have been an R. Parents who bring their children to see Zootopia 2 should be prepared to have some difficult conversations with their kids about attraction. And maybe with their spouses too.” According to sources, Disney has challenged the rating, arguing that the introduction of the repulsive Gary De’Snake canceled out the rest of the characters’ raw sex appeal.

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New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:14:25 +0000

New Mexico will become the first U.S. state to offer free child care to all residents regardless of income, saving families up to about $12,000 per child each year. What do you think?

“Yeah, but I bet you have to pay for other stuff you want.”
Holly Choo, Grape Peeler

“Any states offering a free RAV4?”
John Wickwire, Plaque Engraver

“But child care is so cheap. All you need is a fence and some oatmeal.”
Seth Bemke, Napkin Folder

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Doula Asks To Keep Baby

The Onion Staff — Mon, 27 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SEATTLE—After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could keep the baby. “Oooh, you guys mind if I take this?” said Parker, adding that she would throw in a 10% discount on her birthing coach services if Kendrick and her husband let her take the newborn back to her apartment and raise it as her own daughter. “Jeez, I was just asking. You guys already have, like, two or three kids, so I assumed you might be cool with me taking this one off your hands. Plus, I’ve got tons of experience with kids as an aunt, so I’d do an awesome job taking care of it. Not to mention I only live, like, a 45-minute drive away, so if you ever wanted to come play with the baby, or just set up a FaceTime, we could totally work something out. If you’re dead set on keeping the baby, though, I totally get it. You’re not doing anything with this placenta, though, right?” At press time, sources confirmed that Parker had slipped the newborn into her purse before leaving.

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Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

The Onion Staff — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. “Why are all these houses so big if there’s just one family living in them?” said Lothan’s 7-year-old son, Theo, while his 9-year-old daughter, Riley, sat silently with her forehead pressed against the window, seeing three-car garages, in-ground pools, and manicured lawns on the well-maintained street and beginning to grasp in a real way her father’s numerous inadequacies. “What does that family even do with three satellite dishes, Dad? Do they have more than one TV? And look, those kids are playing on a full basketball court. All these houses have nice circular driveways, too. Why don’t you want us to live in a place like this, Dad?” At press time, Lothan reportedly made a weak attempt to assure his dubious children that “money isn’t everything” as they pulled up to the faded split-level that served as a physical representation of his failure as a man.

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OpenAI Introduces Parental Controls

The Onion Staff — Wed, 01 Oct 2025 18:10:20 +0000

OpenAI introduced new parental controls for ChatGPT, allowing oversight over settings and alerts for unsafe content, though teens will be able to disable the controls at any time. What do you think?

“In our house, we have a strict ‘no hallucinatory parasocial relationships after 9 p.m.’ rule.”
Shannon Curran, Systems Analyst

“Kids should be able to feel comfortable asking their parents directly for suicide tips.”
Anders Beck, Billiards Coach

“But ChatGPT is the only parent I’ve ever known.”
Mathias Serna, Toothpick Packager

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Flour Sack Still Dealing With Trauma Of Being Raised By Single Teenage Mother

The Onion Staff — Thu, 07 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

CLEVELAND—Revealing a vulnerable side while sharing the traumatic experience with a therapist, a 5-pound sack of flour confirmed Thursday that it was still processing the lasting emotional fallout of being raised by a single, teenage mother. “My mother did her best, but let’s be honest: She was a 13-year-old juggling pre-algebra, a clarinet recital, field hockey, and a chaotic personal life, and she had no business being a mom,” said the sack of King Arthur unbleached bread flour, pointing out scars it still bore from being routinely dropped by a careless mother. “A lot of my early days were spent just lying around my grandparents’ place waiting for my mom to come home from her extracurriculars. There was no stability. One day, I’m at school with her; the next, I’m forgotten for an entire weekend in her friend’s basement. And my dad? He was totally absent. He bailed, leaving all the work to a young girl completely ill-equipped to handle the responsibility of a flour sack with all the drama going on in her friend group. It took years to build up a sense of self-worth after my mother lost interest in me after just a week.” The flour added that it did manage to take solace in turning its numerous hardships into sweet, tender biscuits.

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Scott Disick Warns Son About Genetic Predisposition To Loserism

The Onion Staff — Tue, 05 Aug 2025 16:00:49 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Coming down to the child’s eye level in a moment of vulnerability, Scott Disick reportedly had an emotional talk with his son Tuesday warning him about his genetic predisposition to hereditary loserism. “I need to be honest with you, bud—early-onset loserism runs in our family, and there’s a 50-50 chance that someday, you might launch a scam vitamin business or open a Mediterranean fusion restaurant that shutters after three months,” said Disick, the reality TV fixture, social media influencer, and casual entrepreneur, who wiped tears from his eyes as he explained to his son that his recent house-flipping show only lasted eight episodes, just one of the many humiliating symptoms of his debilitating mediocrity. “I don’t want you to worry, okay? The loserism in our bloodstream isn’t fatal, but it will cause me to eventually leave the spotlight early. You’re smart, and I know you’ve seen the tabloids about me, but none of it is your fault. You just happen to come from a line of total deadbeats. If, when you’re a bit older, you notice symptoms manifesting, like you find yourself making club appearances or getting into crypto, don’t panic. You can still live a full life. There are options—reputation management firms, changing your last name—but this is something you’ll carry with you forever.” At press time, Kourtney Kardashian had also sat down with the son she shared with Disick to explain that he had very likely inherited her side of the family’s chronic need for attention.

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Stepson Sounds Out Tramp Stamp

The Onion Staff — Mon, 21 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves?

The Onion Staff — Wed, 16 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Like every parent, I want my kids to be safe. I know that for my young daughter and son to grow and thrive, they need to feel secure in their surroundings. But with the way people coddle their children these days, I fear we’re raising a generation that won’t be able to handle life’s basic challenges. So when my kids face tough situations, like getting shot at, I try not to shelter them too much. I realize if I take a bullet for them, they may never learn to take bullets themselves.

When my second-grader’s shoe comes untied, or my kindergartner’s coat needs zipping, I don’t immediately kneel down and do it for them. They’re old enough to manage these things on their own, and though they may get frustrated at times, it’s a necessary lesson in personal responsibility. Same deal when shots are fired. I could throw myself in front of them the moment someone starts shooting in their direction, but then I’m not exactly preparing them for life, am I?

Obviously, I wouldn’t be doing my kids any favors if I sent them out into the world not knowing how to sustain a gunshot wound to the chest.

Sometimes it’s your job as a parent to stand back and say, “You got this, buddy!” Whether your child is learning to ride a bike, heading off to camp for the first time, or bleeding out because multiple shots have perforated their torso, it can be hard to watch them struggle. After all, there may be a few tears! But before you know it, they’re figuring out how to balance on two wheels, make new friends, or tear their shirt into strips to stanch the flow of blood until paramedics arrive.

Unfortunately, today’s helicopter parents have other ideas, hovering overhead and swooping in the moment their child faces adversity. You know the type— they intervene any time their kid has an argument with a friend, gets a bad grade, or doesn’t make a sports team. Well, they do the same thing in an active-shooter situation. Believe it or not, some parents will literally throw themselves on top of an armed assailant to ensure their child doesn’t take a single stray bullet.

I can understand their impulse, but kids need to develop self-
reliance. Sometimes that means being stern and making them find their own cover when a shooter opens fire in a public space.

Back when I was growing up, parents still believed in a crazy little thing called tough love. I might scream and holler and cry for help, but that didn’t mean my mom and dad charged to the rescue every time I procrastinated on a science project or forgot to bring my coat to school. It can be a challenge, taking shots from a powerful rifle, but it’s also an experience that builds character in young people, assuming they are able to recover from the blood loss.

Surely nothing is more impor-tant for children to learn than how to get back up after life knocks them down in a hail of gunfire.

Someday my kids will be adults. They’ll go off to college and get shot, they’ll join the workforce and get shot. I won’t be there to hold their hand through the many rounds of ammunition the world fires their way. If I crouch with them under a table every time a deranged gunman storms into Baskin-Robbins, I will have failed as a father. They’ll grow up expecting someone to step in and actually do something to stop them from being torn to pieces by an AR-15.

And we all know that’s never going to happen.

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Parenting Experts Warn Babies Can Hydroplane In As Little As One Inch Of Water

The Onion Staff — Wed, 25 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ITHACA, NY—Stressing that even shallow puddles could undermine an infant’s traction, parenting experts at Cornell University published a report Wednesday in which they warned that babies could hydroplane in as little as one inch of water. “You have to watch infants and toddlers closely around water, because even a thin layer can send them sliding into a ditch,” said lead researcher Debbie Lin, who explained that once a child started hydroplaning, it was already too late to do anything, and parents would just have to hope the baby didn’t spin completely out of control. “Our data revealed that many families venture out in the rain without realizing how easy it is for their baby to go skating across a stretch of standing water. The grooves on a baby’s skin lose contact with the surface of the pavement very easily, and they still lack the ability to turn into the direction of the skid, which doesn’t develop until later in childhood. People assume their babies will cry when hydroplaning, but many stay silent the entire time they’re spinning, so you need to keep an eye on them. Turn your back for one second, and they could barrel out of control, spraying water and gaining speed until they slam into a tree. Then you’re potentially looking at thousands in repairs.” Lin added that beyond being vigilant, the best way to ensure a baby stayed safe near standing water was to keep the infant at speeds lower than 30 miles per hour.

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Parenting Experts Share Tips For Talking To Kids About Being Heir To Throne Of Small European Kingdom

The Onion Staff — Thu, 17 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European kingdom. “Discovering their royal birthright as a small European nation’s sovereign can be a rocky period in a child’s life, so it’s important that parents remind them that it’s perfectly normal to be surrounded by a scheming coterie of backstabbing advisors vying for their favor,” said researcher Helen Beauchamp, adding that children should be reassured that they can still be friends with their old classmates as they kill rival claimants to the throne and consolidate their power. “We suggest saving this discussion until your child is at least old enough to travel around the kingdom on their own, since kids can be embarrassed meeting their vassals with parents close at hand. Don’t be surprised if they act out by wearing sneakers to their debut ball, either. Learning that they will don the ancestral crown of a remote, mountainous kingdom can be overwhelming for a kid, and it’s vital that parents treat these royal scions with the empathy they deserve.” Beauchamp added that these conversations can also be a good opportunity to explain how the birds and the bees marry direct relatives to keep the royal bloodline pure.

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Study Finds Breastfed Children Far Better At Suckling Later In Life

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Mar 2025 13:00:00 +0000

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a revelation shedding light on a previously unexamined facet of childhood development, a study published Thursday by researchers at Harvard University found that those who were breastfed as infants tended to excel at suckling later in life. “In all 50 states, children who were breastfed outperformed their peers on suckling aptitude tests, having far more pronounced suckling power and an average latch force of 9.2,” said study co-author Holly Kline, outlining major breakthroughs from the decades-long study on the impacts of infant nursing and the ability to suck milk directly from a breast as an adult. “By every metric, those who suckled heavily as babies were far more prepared for accessing the milk pools in adulthood than those who did not. It’s clear that adults who were formula-fed as infants face significant disadvantages when it comes to suckling later in life, and this can only be remedied by years of occupational suckling therapy.” Kline concluded by cautioning that despite the encouraging results, those who suckle excessively as infants may develop suckling strength so intense that in adulthood they slurp a nipple clear off the body.

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