Music Archives - The Onion

Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends In Locked Pouch

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—In a move making her the latest performer to join the distraction-free trend, New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde confirmed Friday that she was now requiring all concertgoers to stash their boyfriends in locked pouches during her shows. “I understand wanting to share the experience, but I think a live performance is more special when everyone puts their boyfriends away,” said Lorde, who explained that her current Ultrasound World Tour had partnered with Yondr to lock fans’ male significant others in the company’s patented three-by-six-foot pouches before entering the venue. “I don’t want people just glued to their boyfriends for the entire show. Fans should be singing along, dancing, and really getting into the music, so if we see you with a boyfriend, you will be asked to leave. If you need him to get to the venue and get home, we totally understand—just silence him and keep him in the pouch so everyone can enjoy the experience.” According to sources, a fan at a recent Lorde concert was booted from the show after she was caught sneaking in a second boyfriend.

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Artist Profile: Rosalía

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Rosalía’s fourth studio album, Lux, has been met with critical acclaim, cracking the Billboard top 10 for the first time in the Spanish pop star’s career. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.

Genre: Música

Musical Influences: Traditional Spanish TikToks

Who She’s Beefing With: B-flat

Frequent Collaborator: King Ferdinand V

Controversies: Making Spanish-language music, despite being from Spain

Often Mistaken For: Woody Guthrie

pH Level: 9

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Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac’s ‘The Chain’ Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life

The Onion Staff — Mon, 24 Nov 2025 17:30:21 +0000

BOSTON—Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain” was over, was reportedly in for the thrill of his fucking life Monday. According to eyewitnesses, Verran incorrectly understood the receding guitar licks and cymbal crashes just before the three-minute mark to be the song’s conclusion, and was unaware that a suddenly resurgent bass line would soon escort him on the single most exhilarating sonic journey he would experience in the entirety of his time on earth. Sources confirmed that while Verran had enjoyed the insistent, toe-tapping melodies of “The Chain” so far, he remained completely oblivious to the mind-blowing guitar solo and electrifying vocals that would imminently surpass the emotional highs he had felt while skydiving, attaining orgasm under the influence of ecstasy, and witnessing the birth of his firstborn child. After reaching the song’s actual end, Verran is said to have entered a state of trancelike, beatific bliss upon realizing that even though he already felt as if he had seen the face of God, side two of Rumours was just fucking getting started.

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Report: Guy Who Sings ‘Thriller’ Has Bunch Of Non-Halloween Music, Too

The Onion Staff — Wed, 29 Oct 2025 14:45:56 +0000

CLEVELAND—Revealing a vast, forgotten catalog of legitimate pop compositions, a report released Thursday about novelty musical act Michael Joseph Jackson found that the man who recorded the perennial Halloween classic “Thriller” also had a bunch of non-Halloween music. “Jackson is, of course, exclusively known for his haunted hit ‘Thriller’ and singing spooky lyrics like ‘No one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike,’ but we’ve discovered that he was actually an extremely prolific, earnest musician, having released 10 full-length, mostly non-horror-related albums in his lifetime,” said report co-author Rebecca Rubin of Case Western Reserve University’s Center for Popular Music Studies, pointing out that while Jackson did record a number of lesser-known Halloween novelty songs—like one about a creepy man appearing in the mirror, or another about a woman haunted by the villainous “Smooth Criminal”—the vast majority of his catalog had no connection to the holiday. “Jackson seemed to like to keep a low profile, and even though photographs suggest he was committed to his ghostly Halloween look year round, it appears most of his songs do not begin with a werewolf howl. While today Michael Jackson is fondly remembered as a one-hit Halloween artist, we hope this discovery inspires people to look beyond ‘Thriller’ or even his trick-or-treating anthem ‘Don’t Stop ’Til You Get Enough’ and listen to his more serious works.” Representatives for the Jackson estate confirmed plans to upload his full catalog online to introduce music fans to songs other than his Halloween hit, which they revealed was originally performed as a joke.

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YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 20:03:57 +0000

SAN BRUNO, CA—Expressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers’ cover of Bikini Kill’s “Rebel Girl” revealed Wednesday that they were astounded to learn chicks were able to rock too. “Wow, it turns out that ladies can play some pretty heavy riffs,” user BigJim84 wrote about the all-female punk band, adding that even though the women couldn’t rock as hard as a guy, they could still rock pretty hard. “It’s cool to see a woman wailing on a guitar. I’m all for girl power! Usually female musicians aren’t very good—I listened to Björk once, and that music didn’t rock at all. I guess Fleetwood Mac was decent, though the most talented musicians in that band were definitely the dudes. But these chicks were clearly in it for more than just getting a boyfriend. Thank God their dads introduced them to good music!” The YouTube users then headed over to the comment section of a Laurie Anderson video and announced that any artist who used a computer in production was not a real musician.

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The Onion’s Top Songs: October 2025

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 15:30:00 +0000

FROWNIN’ AT NIGHT

THE WEEKEND

EMBERS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

TAYLOR SWIFT

PORK ME WITH YOUR CHODE

SABRINA CARPENTER

RATTLING CHAINS AND SCREANS
(9-HOUR VERSION)

HALLOWEEN SOUNDS

SUSHI IS TOO EXPENSIVE

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

I SPENT ALL MY MONEY ON

VIDEO GAMES

BEYONCÉ

DARK RISE OF THE ASTRAL
DREADNOUGHTS PART IV

ZACH BRYAN

YOU CAN’T PUT ME IN A BOX
(UNLESS IT’S A SEX BOX)

SABRINA CARPENTER

HHHHHHHHHHHHNGH

BOB DYLAN

SECOND CONTRACTUALLY
OBLIGATED DUET

LADY GAGA, BRUNO MARS

CLODGE (NEW SLUR)

MORGAN WALLEN

FINGERED IN CALABASAS

DOJA CAT

THERE’S A NEW FLAVOR OF CELSIUS
I REALLY WANT TO TRY

JUSTIN BIEBER

MOMS AND AUNTS
(THEY’RE BOTH SWELL)

BENSON BOONE

DRACULA IN MY PICKUP TRUCK

LUKE COMBS

TRENDING AUDIO

LOLA YOUNG

I JUST NEED 30 SECONDS
(FOR IT TO COUNT AS A STREAM)

JESSIE MURPH

SHORTS IN THE WINTER

JELLY ROLL

FOOK

OASIS

BIG ALIVE HAMBURGER
(CHASIN’ ME AROUND)

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

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Katy Perry Releases New Single About Superiority Of Canadian Manufacturing

The Onion Staff — Mon, 20 Oct 2025 16:06:42 +0000

MONTECITO, CA—Signaling a new chapter in her career, pop star Katy Perry released a new single Monday about the superiority of Canadian manufacturing. “When I learned about the strength of Canadian automotive and aerospace manufacturing, I knew I had to put it in a song,” Perry said in an Instagram post accompanying a preview of the new track, which features lyrics such as “Five-fifty billy in exports annually, uh-huh / They makin’ tires in the Annapolis Valley, uh-huh” over a hip-hop-influenced beat and a Max Martin–produced chorus that emphasized the country’s advantages in skilled labor. “I like to write about what’s going on in my life, and right now, I’m definitely in my single, flirty, manufacturing-powerhouse era. British Columbia’s hydrogen fuel cell industry is a whole mood. I hope my KatyCats have as much fun listening to ‘Made In Canada’ as I had recording it.” At press time, Perry announced she would be releasing a new album on Boxing Day.

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Artist Profile: Addison Rae

The Onion Staff — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 18:26:00 +0000

Former TikTok star Addison Rae is currently on her first world tour and promoting her debut studio album, Addison. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.

Age: Her name is Addison

Ethnicity: Second-generation Influencer-American

Genre: To Catch A Predator–pop

Former Disney Child Star: No, which is surprising to her as well

Dream Job: Britney Spears’ home health aide

Net Worth: $23,000

Fun Fact: None

Is Madonna Mad At Her?: Not yet, but soon

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Charli XCX Escalates Feud By Luring Travis Kelce Away With Beef Stick

The Onion Staff — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Paul McCartney Now Openly Referring To Self As ‘Last-Living Beatle’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Nicole Kidman Tosses ‘The Garfield Movie’ Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NASHVILLE, TN—Adding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed a copy of The Garfield Move soundtrack onto her backyard burn pile Friday. “Keith was so happy the day he came home and told me he was collaborating with Snoop on a song about Garfield’s relaxed lifestyle, but now I’ll never be able to enjoy that opening keyboard lead again without it feeling like a knife in my gut,” said the Academy Award–winning star, who was seen fighting back tears as she tossed a lit match onto the pile and watched Garfield’s sneering orange face crumple into ash. “I thought I’d be happily humming along to ‘Let It Roll’ for the rest of my life. That shows how much I know. Goodbye, original motion picture soundtrack. Goodbye, ‘Let It Roll.’ Let it roll, indeed.” At press time, reports confirmed a frantic Kidman had lunged for the smoldering record.

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Slipknot Travels To India To Begin Psychedelic, Free-Love Phase Of Career

The Onion Staff — Tue, 07 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

RISHIKESH, INDIA—In an effort to break down creative barriers and open their minds to new types of spirituality, members of the heavy metal band Slipknot reportedly traveled to India this week to begin the psychedelic, free-love phase of their career. “The rishi has been teaching us a lot of different things about pain and anger, and now, thanks to his teachings, we’re all about abundant love and universal acceptance,” said percussionist and Slipknot co-founder Shawn Crahan, sitting cross-legged on the floor and clad in a lightweight beige tunic as he extolled the virtues of discipline, simplicity, and mindfulness enshrined at the ashram that he and his fellow bandmates—known for the songs “Eyeless,” “Wait And Bleed,” and “People = Shit”—had recently made their home. “We learned all about Transcendental Meditation and realized that we need to expand our collective consciousness. Only then can we shed our masks—both physical and spiritual—and truly grow as artists.” Slipknot has also teased plans for an all-sitar set at Knotfest later this year.

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