Vol 60: Issue 36 Archives - The Onion

Woman With Disease Sent Article About Celebrity With Disease

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 14:13:44 +0000

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Vatican City Police Unveil New Unit Of Sin-Sniffing Dogs

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 14:09:21 +0000

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. “This unit of elite K-9 officers has been taught to alert their handlers to sinful behavior by loudly barking and immediately engaging the impious subject in pursuit,” said a top official for the papal state’s police force, demonstrating in a live simulation how each of the 10 German shepherds could successfully sniff out any hell-bound miscreant within a mile radius. “They are highly attuned to the scent of any venial-grade blasphemy, heresy, or other disobedient action clearly forbidden in the Bible by the Lord God on High. Even if you’ve dishonored your mother and father at home—hours before stepping foot inside the boundaries of Vatican City—these dogs will still be able to sense it. One whiff of a golden calf and any idolaters in the vicinity will be rounded up within minutes. Remember that these are animals, and they can’t be responsible for what they do when they hear someone take the Lord’s name in vain. The only way to avoid reprimand is to live according to the Word of God, go to confession regularly, and donate heavily to your local parish.” At press time, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City outlined the funding needed for a fleet of Queen Hornet Supersized FPV bomber drones for apprehending mortal sinners.

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Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she’d given to each of her miscarriages. “Boys…boys, I don’t think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, sweet, perfect younger sister named Jennifer…Jennifer Anne,” said the 65-year-old mother of two who, between moans and several refills of her glass, proceeded to list off every pregnancy she’d lost between the years of 1995 and 1997 as her husband, sons, and three other dinner guests sat silently and looked away. “We tried so many times. So many times! There was also supposed to be Mark. And Steven. And Danielle. And even little Fiona. But God said no each and every time!” At press time Donahue could not be reached for comment as she was reportedly vomiting into the half bathroom toilet and naming all the men she could have married who would have probably had stronger sperm than her husband.

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Taylor Swift Endorses Harris

The Onion Staff — Thu, 12 Sep 2024 20:19:39 +0000

Taylor Swift came out in support of Vice President Kamala Harris in the race for president, ending speculation about whether the superstar singer would share her political views ahead of November’s election. What do you think?

“Yeah, but it’s the weight of her influence against that of Jon Voight’s.”
Ruth Arellano, Data Scroller

“Well I guess I’m not making up with my daughters this year.”
Hector Mola, Mug Customizer

“I doubt Americans care what the most popular person in the world thinks about politics.”
Evan Lusky, Professional Eater

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Our Devices: They’re Listening, Sure, But Do They Really Get Us?

The Onion Staff — Thu, 12 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

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Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO’s New ‘Sopranos’ Documentary

The Onion Staff — Thu, 12 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

In celebration of the series’s 25th anniversary, HBO has released Wise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the series featuring interviews with the creator, cast, and crew. The Onion shares the most shocking takeaways from the documentary.

David Chase originally wrote The Sopranos as a feature film: Only when he did the math did he realize eight years of money was way more than one year of money.
Edie Falco was a last-minute addition: The role of Carmela Soprano was originally supposed to be played by James Gandolfini in a wig.
Tony Soprano dies at the end of his life: Though Chase doesn’t specify when it happens, he finally does let it drop that Tony Soprano’s death does come at some point during the end of the character’s existence on Earth.
The ducks are a metaphor for geese: The famous ducks in Tony’s pool actually symbolize a totally different species of waterfowl.
There were no pranks: You’d think that on a long-running show like that there would be at least a couple fun on-set pranks. What a bunch of self-serious assholes.
Paulie Walnuts was operated by three puppeteers simultaneously: The Emmy Award-winning animatronic is considered one of the Jim Henson Company’s finest achievements.
Mom canceled the family Max subscription: Cheapskate.
HBO created Sunday as a new way to market the show: Much of the show’s success can be traced back to HBO having the only show available to watch during this brand new time slot.
James Gandolfini performed his own stunts: Every time Gandolfini is seen eating cold pasta from the fridge, it’s really him, not a stunt double.
In the season finale ending, the viewer is meant to assume Tony has been circumcised: This theory has been all but confirmed by the show’s creators.

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Man Replies ‘STOP’ To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast

The Onion Staff — Thu, 12 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied “STOP” Thursday to a political fundraiser text like a powerful wizard casting a spell to ward off a mythical beast. Sources confirmed that moments after receiving the Kamala Harris fundraising message, the accountant typed out his short reply with the certainty of one familiar with an ancient elven tongue summoning an arcane incantation known as the Shield of Thar’Ghal to protect both him and his party of halflings and dwarves from a charging monster escaped from the depths of the underworld. Several reports indicated that as Palmer leapt into action to counter the malign text, he mumbled to himself with distaste not unlike a wizened sorcerer from the Far Westlands bellowing, “Begone, ye evil creature!” According to bystanders, the accountant’s fingers then confidently tapped out the four capital letters of the unstoppable reply as if he were using an unimaginably powerful staff to draw out the Elements of the Earth and Netherearth that would allow him to fend off the most ferocious of Darklings. At press time, Palmer was said to have sent off his reply with satisfaction, only to then receive a separate text from Bernie Sanders begging him to help, much like the wise-but-arrogant enchanter feeling the grasp of one of the monster’s tendrils around his ankle just as he turned his back.

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Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes

The Onion Staff — Thu, 12 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

CINCINNATI—Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it would begin selling a small silver bell for summoning a butler to deal with the dishes. “Finally, a powerful dish bell that’s tough on grease but gentle on your ears,” a press release from Dawn read in part, describing how the hand-cast pewter bell lets out a delicate jingle specially formulated to cut through background noise and reach the ear of a household servant, whether they’re in the salon, the atrium, the drawing room, the study, or their quarters at the back of the property. “No matter how bad the mess, simply ring this bell to call for a classically trained butler to emerge from the scullery and begin showing off the talents he mastered at a stately mansion in the Welsh countryside. Protect your soft, supple hands from the curse of labor and never again strain your voice while shouting for your manservant. Give the Dawn bell a dainty shake and consider the dishes done.” At press time, Dawn announced a limited release of brass bells for summoning a different butler to polish the silver bell.

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U.N. Chief Calls Gaza Death Toll Worst He’s Seen

The Onion Staff — Wed, 11 Sep 2024 14:55:57 +0000

Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres demanded an end to the hostilities and offered U.N. support for any ceasefire. What do you think?

“Yeah, but as the head of the U.N., he has to say stuff like that.”
Piers Kaplan, Noise Meterman

“Smart—flatter Netanyahu, and he might agree to a deal.”
Gloria Maceda, Nun Biographer

“I wonder who had the best death toll.”
Dan Patla, Chocolate Grader

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Sweetgreen Expands Line Of Kids’ Meals For Adult Women With Eating Disorders

The Onion Staff — Wed, 11 Sep 2024 14:45:12 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids’ meals Wednesday for adult women with eating disorders. “For years, our gaunt customers have been telling us they love the 275-calorie children’s Mini Mezze, but they just wish it were smaller,” said Anne Sindler, a spokesperson for the fast casual chain, who explained that the new expanded kids’ menu was inspired by fresh, seasonal ingredients as well as the frail, 35-year-old women who stopped by the pickup counter every evening after spending more than two hours on the gym treadmill. “Don’t worry, we already know you don’t want any salad dressing. Feel free to pass out right onto the plate. Now you can enjoy eight whole spinach leaves and an apple slice. Plus, every kids’ meal comes with a cup of water you can splash onto your bowl when it’s time to stop eating.” At press time, the company had responded to public backlash by clarifying that adult men with eating disorders were allowed to order the kids’ meals too.

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Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian

The Onion Staff — Wed, 11 Sep 2024 14:35:49 +0000

NEW YORK—Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation’s baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday to leave their entire $78.55 trillion fortune to a single spoiled Pomeranian. “Upon our death, we formally request that our whole estate be left to dear Mitzi, the only one who has ever truly loved or cared for us,” read the baby boomers’ last will and testament, which specified that rather than making their Gen X or millennial offspring the recipients of the largest transfer of wealth in human history, the inheritance should instead be used to fund Mitzi’s lavish lifestyle, including her organic dog food and luxury grooming, as well as a private residence in Manhattan just for her and her private butler. “Mitzi, for the rest of her life, shall reside in a penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park and be transported daily via stretch limo to her favorite activities, which include eating steak tartare at her favorite dog-friendly cafe and shopping on Fifth Avenue. No matter how much the younger generations whine and beg, they shall be entitled to no part of our massive fortune. If they wanted our money, maybe they shouldn’t have called us a bitch or blocked us on Facebook.” At press time, a Manhattan judge had thrown out the offspring’s latest attempt to sue, clarifying that any remaining funds were to be used to eventually bury the Pomeranian next to the baby boomers in their opulent, sprawling mausoleum.

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‘I Can’t See It,’ Reports Child At Every Zoo Exhibit

The Onion Staff — Wed, 11 Sep 2024 14:31:28 +0000

EVERYWHERE—Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn’t see the animals. “Where is it? Where is it? I can’t see!” said 6-year-old Oliver Saladino, echoing the sentiment of children around the world while pointing an outstretched arm at the enclosure and complaining that he wanted to look at the giraffes, chimpanzees, rhinos, and penguins, but he couldn’t find where a single one was located. “Lift me up, lift me up! I wanna get a better look! Is it hiding? Is it sleeping? Is it behind the log? Can you tell them to come out? Make the animals do something!” At press time, every child at every zoo exhibit had reportedly jumped into the enclosure to get a better look.

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