Vol 60: Issue 38 Archives - The Onion

NFL Sunday Ticket Allows Viewers To Simulcast Up To 4 Domestic Violence Trials At Once

The Onion Staff — Sun, 22 Sep 2024 17:52:12 +0000

NEW YORK—Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that it is now allowing viewers to simulcast up to four domestic violence trials at the same time. “It used to be that we would only have one or two big domestic violence trials with our players, but as the league has grown, fans started to complain that there were sometimes eight different trials they wanted to watch going on at the same time,” said NFL head of marketing Tim Ellis, adding that many fans want to catch local domestic violence trials outside of their market because it looks like a good matchup or has big fantasy implications. “It used to be that you’d be watching the defense on one trial as it tried to discredit the accuser and not realize you were missing a handgun being entered into evidence over on another channel, but with our new ‘NFL Grand Jury’ package on Sunday Ticket you can keep an eye on multiple trials at once and go full screen when the action heats up. It starts at $249.99 but that gets you hundreds of different domestic violence suits to choose from during the year, including civil suits, and the package covers related gun, drug, and reckless driving trials. It’s the best way to watch all the biggest stars in the NFL.” Ellis added that while Grand Jury subscribers will have access to almost every domestic violence trial, the package will not cover NFL Thursday Trials that are licensed exclusively to Amazon Prime.

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MrBeast Sued By Contestants For Unsafe Conditions

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 20:05:06 +0000

YouTuber MrBeast is accused of creating unsafe employment conditions, including sexual harassment and misrepresenting contestants’ odds at winning his new Amazon reality show’s $5 million grand prize, in a lawsuit filed by five unnamed participants. What do you think?

“No work environment should force people to interact with MrBeast.”
Eileen Logue, Threat Processor

“To produce any great art, there must be sacrifice.”
Roy Hartnett, Profanity Monitor

“Yeah, well, how many subscribers do the accusers have?”
Travis Pauletti, Barber’s Apprentice

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Ways Secret Service Can Improve Trump’s Security

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 19:38:48 +0000

The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than three months. The Onion examines ways the agency can boost Trump’s security.

Reduce number of ex-goon hires: The fewer agents who stumble into a room saying, “Uhh, what’s dat over there, boss?” the better.

Put Trump in a ghillie suit: By disguising the former president in high-quality camouflage, Trump will be able to wander the swamps and forests of the U.S. safely.

Say “Look! He’s over there!”: This age-old diversion tactic has foiled countless assassination attempts around the world for thousands of years.

Teach Trump the catch-a-bullet-in-your-mouth trick: If David Blaine could do it, then so can our 45th president.

Tweet “If anyone wants to kill Trump, please let us know, thank you,” from the official Secret Service account: Giving potential assassins the opportunity to come forward on their own first only makes sense.

Transport Trump in a big suitcase: No one would suspect a thing.

More team bonding: While not directly tied to Trump’s safety, wouldn’t it be nice if the whole Secret Service team did a bowling night or something? Everyone has been so tightly wound lately.

Change his shoes mid-journey: Even the most skilled tracker will be thrown off by the sudden change in footprints.

Let him wear his Spider-Man costume: Trump knows that Spider-Man is powerful enough to stop bad guys, so being in the costume will help him feel more safe.

Experiment with a four-day workweek: While it may seem counterintuitive at first, studies have shown it can lead to increased productivity and focus among many workers.

Fake his death: Nobody will try to kill a president if they think he’s already dead.

Establish a second, more secret service: And if that fails, a third.

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‘They’re Getting Shot,’ Kamala Harris Warns Home Intruders, Burglars, Litterbugs, Slow Walkers

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 18:43:06 +0000

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Discussing the Second Amendment with Oprah Winfrey at a Michigan town hall last night, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted she may have gotten too comfortable when she remarked that any home intruders, burglars, litterbugs, or slow walkers near her house could expect to be shot. “If somebody breaks into my house, knocks on my door to sell me something, or leaves their dog’s waste on my lawn, they’re getting shot,” the Democratic presidential nominee said in an attempt to bridge the gap with conservative gun owners in the swing state, drawing applause as she pantomimed looking through a rifle scope at the audience and then mimicked the sound of gunfire. “If you trespass onto my property or take my plate away from the table before I’m finished eating, I’m going to take you out, as is my right as an American citizen. Let this serve as a warning to anyone who steals my mail, runs down the airplane aisle to deboard before it’s their turn, or talks too loudly in a movie theater—these things upset me, and I’m not afraid to defend myself accordingly. Also goes for drivers who don’t signal, heavy mouth-breathers, or if I just don’t like your face. Boom.” Later in the interview, Harris drew a gun from inside her jacket and fired a warning shot into the air after someone in the audience answered a call on speakerphone.

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Ohtani Cashes In 50-Home-Run Futures Bet Ticket

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 17:58:39 +0000

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North Carolina Voters Abandon Mark Robinson For Nude Africa User ‘FootPapa12’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 17:47:02 +0000

RALEIGH, NC—In the wake of an explosive report that revealed several controversial posts the lieutenant governor had made years ago on a pornographic website, North Carolina voters across the state told reporters Friday that they had abandoned Republican gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson for Nude Africa user FootPapa12. “Although we were previously excited to vote for Mark Robinson, we now see that foot fetishist and self-proclaimed ‘toe king’ FootPapa12 is the best option to lead our great state,” said North Carolina resident Jason Palmer, adding that while they had lost trust in Robinson after his concerning comments about slavery and being a black Nazi, the anonymous podophile’s views on foot jobs, pedicures, and face-trampling better represented their values. “Frankly, after doing some research, I liked what ‘FootPapa12′ said about putting middle-class voters’ feet in his mouth. We deserve a candidate who will fight for all of us to climax, whether that involves pantyhose, rubbing our feet in oil, or someone watching us wiggle our toes as we dip them into various foods. The choice is clear.” At press time, former President Donald Trump had thrown his support behind FootPapa12, claiming the anonymous user was “Martin Luther King on steroids.”

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American Black Nazi Party Worried Mark Robinson Could Hurt Other Candidates Down Ballot

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 17:29:36 +0000

WASHINGTON—Troubled by the potential political fallout from the North Carolina gubernatorial candidate’s scandal, the American Black Nazi Party was reportedly worried Friday that Mark Robinson could hurt its other candidates down the ballot. “Mark Robinson does not represent the African American Third Reich,” said American Black Nazi Party chairwoman Sandra Higgins, who warned that by refusing to exit the race, Robinson was endangering the campaigns of thousands of American Black Nazi Party candidates in races ranging from county commissioner to U.S. Senate. “There are so many tight races between American Black Nazi and Democratic candidates right now. We’ve made significant inroads with racist Black voters for years, and now, I fear, we could lose them all. It’s a shame his pornography use is undercutting the very insightful comments he has made about Martin Luther King Jr.” At press time, Higgins warned that the American Black Nazi Party could even lose the House of Representatives.

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Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson: ‘We All Have Crazy Ideas About Slavery When We’re Horny’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 16:59:23 +0000

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Diddy Arrested On Sex Trafficking Charges

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

Sean “Diddy” Combs faces federal sex trafficking and racketeering charges in a newly unsealed indictment that claims he hit and abused women for over a decade while presiding over a sordid empire of sexual crimes. What do you think?

“If only there were any warning songs.”
Andrew Ponce, Unemployed

“I think he goes by ‘Defendant’ now.”
Tyler Damron, Leaflet Folder

“It’s always the ones with a history of abusing women that you least suspect.”
Sierra Bedford, Systems Analyst

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Scarecrow Has Double Ds

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

AFTON, WI—Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy’s surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. “Damn, she’s got hay in all the right places, don’t she?” area man Jim Bickford said to a group of visibly dumbstruck bystanders who either leered and catcalled or stood with jaws agape as they contemplated the ample, overstuffed bust straining against the straw mannequin’s faded, stretched-out blouse. “Them buttons is fixin’ to pop right off! Man, I wouldn’t mind getting my hands around those knotted nests of brittle sticks and hay. Her burlap face ain’t too bad, either.” At press time there were multiple injuries reported among local men who scratched their faces on stray twigs and straw while attempting to motorboat the scarecrow.

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Hellspawn Annoyed By Sound Of Earth’s Residents Stomping Around Overhead

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL—Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the sound of earth’s residents stomping around overhead. “It’s just unbelievably frustrating to be flaying the skin of a glutton or sodomite and not even be able to hear their screams over the loud clomp-clomp-clomp coming from the plane of existence above us,” said demon Asmodeus, picking up a broom and hitting it repeatedly against the ceiling of hell in an effort to alert humanity to how noisy it was being. “They’re listening to music at all hours, getting into huge fights, and just constantly walking back and forth across the planet. I swear, last year around the holidays the walls started shaking so hard from all the noise that an entire basket of red-hot pokers fell off a shelf and shattered on the floor. I’ve tried calling God about it, but He just gives me the usual runaround—He knows we’re not going to move out, so He doesn’t give a shit.” At press time, Asmodeus was heard cursing after seepage from a burst pipe on earth had caused water damage to spread throughout Hell.

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Mother Earth Insists She Doesn’t Want Any Pagan Sacrifices This Equinox

The Onion Staff — Fri, 20 Sep 2024 12:00:00 +0000

ÖLAND, SWEDEN—Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn’t want any pagan sacrifices this autumn equinox. “I know you think this is just me being self-effacing, but I genuinely don’t want you to make a big thing of slitting the throat of a fatted calf next to one of my knotted oak trees,” said humanity’s ancestral mother, who stressed that she appreciated all the blood sacrifices her spiritual offspring had given her in the past to commemorate the turning of seasons and the autumn harvest. “Obviously, I’ve loved everything you’ve slaughtered for me over the years. But I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Right now, the only thing I want is to see all my children together frolicking amongst the flames of the bonfires. Heck, smear some of that virgin blood on yourself for once.” At press time, Mother Earth was said to be sulking after humanity took her at her word and didn’t even throw a single newborn child off a cliff for her.

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