Vol 61: Issue 1 Archives - The Onion

At Least Child Laborer Not Staring At iPad All Day

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume

The Onion Staff — Tue, 07 Jan 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Labor Board Classifies ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants As Employees

The Onion Staff — Sat, 04 Jan 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which it classified the show’s contestants as employees, opening a case that could have ripple effects across the reality television industry. What do you think?

“So I should put ‘dating’ on my resume?”
Steven Delaney, Commerce Enthusiast

“As long as we can all agree the cast of The Circle are nothing more than meat.”
Angela Messick, Livestock Barterer

“Dating your coworkers is totally inappropriate.”
Paul Werk, Cliff Smoother

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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Timothée Chalamet

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 21:28:26 +0000

Timothée Chalamet stars as Bob Dylan in the new biopic A Complete Unknown, based on the book Dylan Goes Electric. The Onion sat down with Chalamet to discuss the film.

The Onion: What about playing Bob Dylan most intrigued you?

Chalamet: I was definitely drawn to his characteristic raspy voice because it’s similar to mine when I’m doing Yoda.

The Onion: What did you do to prepare for this role?

Chalamet: Oh wow, quite a bit. I must have listened to 20 to 25 music songs.

The Onion: Where did the costumes come from?

Chalamet: I just wore the jackets from Wonka and the pants from Dune.

The Onion: When did you first become interested in Bob Dylan?

Chalamet: Like most people, I first discovered Dylan after running out to buy the We Bought a Zoo original motion picture soundtrack and hearing “Buckets of Rain.”

The Onion: Was there anything you learned about Dylan that surprised you?

Chalamet: Surprised isn’t one of the faces I do. But I can do “bemused.”

The Onion: Were you nervous about singing?

Chalamet: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

The Onion: How did you stay in character?

Chalamet: I had a crowd of people follow me everywhere I went to boo any time I used electricity.

The Onion: How have you changed as a person after playing Bob Dylan?

Chalamet: After being on the fence before, I am now 100% against the Vietnam War.

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Breaking: You Forget Yourself, Viscount!

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 18:25:46 +0000

CHÂTEAU DE CHAMBORD—Asserting that such uncouth behavior brings shame upon the glorious lineage of a court that can be traced back 12 generations, a breaking report released Friday stated that you forget yourself with such impropriety, viscount! According to sources who hold a hallowed position within this palace, you must take hold of your senses and recall that this is not a lowly tavern, where such carousing might be tolerated, but rather a regal site with ties to none less than Fontainebleau itself. The report went on to stress that, indeed, such impudence at an august banquet better befits a common baron than a viscount of your peerage, and then warned that you must take heed of where you stand, lest you lose your head. After all, sources confirmed, it was the Great Monarch himself who erected these majestic walls—or do you not recall that in your state of debauchery, viscount? Noble bystanders went on to stress that there is no guarantee that you shall marry the marquess’s daughter, particularly if such misdeeds continue unabated. At press time, advisors observed that if you have a shred of honor, you will put your jerkin back on and return to your chambers immediately, lest you humiliate yourself further.

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Study: Few Bursts Of Vigorous Movement May Cut Women’s Heart Risks

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Jan 2025 13:00:00 +0000

A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help the heart, especially for women. What do you think?

“I’m knitting as intensely as I can, okay?”
Emma Tait, Soap Tester

“Typical hula hoop propaganda.”
Sam Ragsdale, Cheese Curder

“Bet those uppity marathon runners feel pretty dumb now.”
Bret Eckel, List Bulleter

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Man Injured Protecting Wife From Polar Bear

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 20:21:39 +0000

A man has sustained serious injuries after rescuing his wife who was ambushed by a polar bear in an early morning attack, leaping on to the animal to prevent an attack after the woman slipped to the ground. What do you think?

“Only an asshole would interrupt a stranger’s meal like that.”
Hamilton Scarola, Kale Lobbyist

“Him getting injured must have been such a turn-off.”
Xavier Renard, Wig Colorist

“God forbid a woman gets to sustain her own serious injuries.”
Clara Hogan, Bleach Bottler

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Tips For Picking Out Running Shoes

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 15:13:54 +0000

With the start of a new year, many Americans will be engaging in new fitness routines, with jogging being among the most popular. Here are tips for finding the selecting running shoes.

Decide the level of cushioning based on if you’re a back runner, side runner, or stomach runner.

Go up a size to leave room for blisters.

Count how many feet you have to determine your optimal number of shoes.

Salespeople will often allow you to test run shoes as long as they can ride along on your back.

Hokas make you appear both taller and wealthier.

Pause during cutscenes so you can figure out what type of sneakers Sonic is wearing.

Choose a colorway that will complement months of dust.

When trying on shoes, wear the same kind of socks and banana costume you usually have on while running.

Reflective designs can help drivers spot your body laying in the street after they run you down.

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Man Decides Eating Lunch Without Headphones On Counts As Meditating

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 15:10:44 +0000

CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. “In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job,” said Stambaugh, adding that the 10 minutes he spent ingesting his meal without listening to a single podcast, song, or work call was the equivalent of calmly focusing on every breath. “Eating a turkey club alone in silence more or less got me to a place where I achieved total mental clarity. It was pretty fucking zen.” Stambaugh later confirmed he had reached a state of nirvana and transcended space and time after he completed his entire drive home without once looking at his phone.

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Duracell Removes Frosting, Sprinkles To Discourage Kids From Eating Batteries

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 15:07:42 +0000

CHICAGO—Acknowledging that candy-coated batteries were an iconic part of the brand’s legacy, Duracell announced Thursday that it would be removing frosting and sprinkles from its manufacturing process to discourage children from eating the company’s products. “When parents shared with us their concerns about our practice of selling batteries with delicious, sugary toppings, we listened,” said Duracell spokesperson Nick Miaritis, who added that the battery manufacturer would also be removing the whipped cream and maraschino cherries from atop its AA and AAA varieties effective immediately. “We understand that batteries will inevitably find their way into the hands of kids, some of whom are too young to understand that Duracell’s trademark chocolate, caramel, and nougat center—while very tasty—is not something they are supposed to put in their mouths. Don’t worry, though: Our batteries will continue to power your flashlights and TV remotes. They’ll just be doing it without that irresistibly sweet Duracell taste.” Reached for further comment, Duracell officials confirmed the company had no plans to discontinue its popular 9-volt Cheese-Blasted batteries.

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‘Cultivate A Growth Mindset’ And 40 Other Phrases That Give Sad Sacks Like You False Hope

The Onion Staff — Thu, 02 Jan 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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Turkey-Weary Nation Makes Triumphant Return To Eating Shrimp

The Onion Staff — Wed, 01 Jan 2025 15:53:05 +0000

WASHINGTON—At long last able to rejoice as its days of wandering in a culinary desert reached an end, the nation’s turkey-weary populace has made a triumphant return to eating shrimp, crustacean-munching sources confirmed Wednesday. “Thanksgiving was tough, Christmas was even tougher, but at last our freezers are free of turkey leftovers and shrimp can return to its rightful place in our mouths, stomachs, and hearts,” said exultant seafood lover Ellen Bates, echoing the sentiments of millions of grinning Americans who clutched multiple shrimp-laden skewers in their hands and cheered as fishing trawlers loaded with shrimp pulled into harbors up and down the nation’s coasts. “No more must we suffer the indignity of boring, reheated turkey. Now we can consume dozens upon dozens of shrimp each day in all of shrimp’s miraculous forms: Popcorn. Scampi. Cocktail. Tempura. Ceviche—yes, God, ceviche! Never again will I take the fisherman’s platter for granted. Our long, dark night of Butterball is over, and a golden time of shrimp has dawned over America once more!” At press time, 340 million Americans were reportedly in the bathroom and not feeling so well.

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