Vol 61: Issue 2 Archives - The Onion

Historic Wildfires Ravage Los Angeles

The Onion Staff — Mon, 13 Jan 2025 14:45:24 +0000

At least five fires across the Los Angeles area, including one in Hollywood Hills, scorched more than 45 square miles and put roughly 180,000 people under evacuation orders. What do you think?

“Ugh, we never get historic wildfires in my podunk town.”
Gilberto Dimas, Padlock Tester

“Those wildfires will never work in this town again.”
Thomas Gamboa, Circus Transporter

“Mass evacuation is a great networking opportunity.”
Erika Drake, Fruit Ripener

The post Historic Wildfires Ravage Los Angeles appeared first on The Onion.

Artist Profile: SZA

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 15:46:38 +0000

Singer-songwriter SZA has released Lana, the long-anticipated deluxe edition of her critically acclaimed 2022 album SOS. Here is what you need to know about the artist.

Musical Genre: Murder jazz

Vocal Style: Power whisper

Fandom Name: People currently crying in their cars

Mental Health History: Easily set to verse

Uncomfortable Venn Diagram She’s In Middle Of: Collaborated with both Drake and Kendrick Lamar

Rich Parents: Yeah, sorry, her too

Hidden Talent: Can end a conversation with an acquaintance without saying they should grab lunch sometime

The post Artist Profile: SZA appeared first on The Onion.

First U.S. Bird Flu Death Reported

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 15:43:35 +0000

The first person to have a severe case of H5N1 bird flu in the United States has died, with the patient, who was over 65 and reportedly had underlying medical conditions, being hospitalized after exposure to both a backyard flock of birds and to wild birds. What do you think?

“What does this mean for me and my pigeon wife?”
Shawn Rivera, Fencing Purchaser

“Don’t look at me–my parakeets have been masking.”
Dan Dillenbeck, Landmark Establisher

“We need to immediately close our border with wherever birds come from.”
Tessa Stivers, Canvas Exporter

The post First U.S. Bird Flu Death Reported appeared first on The Onion.

Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 15:42:01 +0000

LOCATION CLASSIFIED—Grumbling “Not this shit again” as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy “Sandman” Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog to quietly dispatch his team one by one. “Man, it really ticks me off when I deploy for a classified mission in low-visibility conditions only for a mysterious foe to play cat and mouse picking off my squad of hardened operators,” Hawthorne said as a stifled shout went up from somewhere behind him, with bystanders reporting that the commando then rolled his eyes in visible annoyance after discovering his radioman slumped against a tree stump with his neck snapped. “I bust my ass putting together a crack team of the very best soldiers only for some wraithlike adversary to leap down from an overhanging branch and execute a silent takedown before receding into the shadows to strike again. It pushes my buttons every time. Wildly firing my machine gun into the mist makes me feel a little better, but it never actually stops the bastards. They just breeze right past me and stealthily slit another guy’s throat. Dammit, I took this job to be the hunter, not the hunted. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine to be the hunted!” At press time, Hawthorne was reportedly preparing to give the assailant a piece of his mind after a rope snare left him dangling helplessly by one ankle.

The post Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One appeared first on The Onion.

Biden Wanders Into Flames

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 15:39:31 +0000

The post Biden Wanders Into Flames appeared first on The Onion.

U.S. Mint Introduces New Controversial John Wilkes Booth Pennies

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 15:36:25 +0000

WASHINGTON—Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. “With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who, while not perfect, altered the course of our nation in indelible ways,” said the mint’s director, Ventris Gibson, who added that one side of the new penny would include a relief portrait of the 19th-century actor-turned-gunman while the other would feature the Latin inscription “Sic semper tyrannis.” “The release of the Booth penny will help in our efforts to showcase individuals who exemplify America’s complex past. It stands alongside the Lee Harvey Oswald dime and the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed quarter as a reminder of those who risked everything for causes they believed in.” Gibson went on to state that Abraham Lincoln pennies would not be removed from circulation but would instead be altered to show the back of the president’s skull blown off.

The post U.S. Mint Introduces New Controversial John Wilkes Booth Pennies appeared first on The Onion.

Meta To End Fact-Checking

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 20:19:40 +0000

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the company is abandoning the use of independent fact checkers, replacing them with X-style “community notes” where commenting on the accuracy of posts is left to users. What do you think?

“No they’re not.”
Misty Lawson, Anecdote Editor

“So it’s up to me to continue correcting people about the Aquaman canon.”
Erwin Gauder, Floorboard Installer

“Now there’s nothing stopping me from changing my status to ‘In a Relationship.’”
Tim Carabine, Iguana Breeder

The post Meta To End Fact-Checking appeared first on The Onion.

Jealous Trump Throws Own State Funeral To Upstage Carter’s

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 20:03:22 +0000

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony. “I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled Trump, who lay at the opposite end of the National Cathedral as his senior aides attempted to persuade Carter funeral attendees to leave their seats and pay respects to the 45th president. “This coffin sure is impressive, isn’t it? The guy in here must be super beloved. We’re going to need way more than a national day of mourning. More like a month—but who knows, maybe my mourners will demand a year.” At press time, reports confirmed Trump had sat up in the coffin to deliver his own eulogy.

The post Jealous Trump Throws Own State Funeral To Upstage Carter’s appeared first on The Onion.

Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 19:55:28 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday after he was spotted dining at the smoldering remains of Nobu. “Despite strict evacuation orders, my staff and I did in fact attend a dinner party within the burnt ruins of a high-end sushi restaurant,” said Newsom, adding that as governor he had a moral duty to decline the invitation and take the threat of the fires far more seriously. “As soon as I sat down at the table and saw that our food was on fire, I knew it was a mistake. Rather than enjoy the meal while the restaurant ignited, burst into flame, and collapsed to the ground, I should have left Nobu the second we smelled smoke.” At press time, Newsom also apologized for his earlier comments claiming that the dinner at Nobu had taken place in a sealed, concrete room where fire was unable to spread.

The post Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu appeared first on The Onion.

Nation Never Needed Pharrell To Show Up In Crazy Hat More Than It Does Right Now

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 19:46:17 +0000

WASHINGTON—Saying that the singer’s ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation’s distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never needed Pharrell to show up in a crazy hat more than it does right now. “Between climate change, political upheaval, and the creeping sense that things aren’t going to be okay, I just really need to see Pharrell Williams hitting the town in some big, stupid headwear,” said Vermont resident Renee Roberts, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who had taken to the streets to cup their hands to their mouths and call out for Pharrell in hopes that he would appear sporting some sort of velvety cowboy hat or huge, towering beanie. “One more strange, floppy Pharrell hat would really take the edge off right now. I think that’s the only thing that could make me feel okay anymore with things as bad as they are. Oh Pharrell, where are you? We need your bizarre hats now more than ever!” At press time, the nation reportedly snapped at Jamiroquai vocalist Jay Kay to get his fluffy little dumbass hat the hell out of their sight.

The post Nation Never Needed Pharrell To Show Up In Crazy Hat More Than It Does Right Now appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Justin Trudeau

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 17:20:47 +0000

After nearly a decade as prime minister, Justin Trudeau announced his resignation this week. The Onion sat down with the outgoing Canadian leader to discuss the highs and lows of his tenure.

The Onion: What prompted the timing of your resignation?

Trudeau: I didn’t want to be a distraction while my party cleans up the pile of shit I just dumped in their lap.

The Onion: What are some highlights from your time in office?

Trudeau: Getting to meet the pope, getting to touch the pope’s hat, getting to go in the pope’s little car.

The Onion: Have you found a bright side to resigning as prime minister?

Trudeau: You can’t get canceled for blackface if you don’t have a job.

The Onion: Should Canada join the U.S.?

Trudeau: And bend the knee to an old, out-of-touch billionaire of ill-gotten gains? Sorry, we already do that.

The Onion: Is there anything you would have done differently?

Trudeau: I would have jailed all those people who said I looked bad with a beard.

The Onion: What are your plans for the future?

Trudeau: Probably start a podcast with my buds and collect checks on the board of whatever Canada’s version of Google is.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Onion.

This Majestic Photo: Was It Worth The 6-Car Pileup We Caused To Get It?

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Jan 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post This Majestic Photo: Was It Worth The 6-Car Pileup We Caused To Get It? appeared first on The Onion.