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Vol 29: Issue 5

Graphical Feature, Sports

God to Use Powers for Evil
'It's Raining Men!'

248 Hot Marine Studs Fall from Sky in Midair Collision, Thrilling Area Women
Dispatch, News

Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity

NOME, AK—A Castrol Oil supertanker ran aground Monday near Nome, Alaska, spilling more than 51 million gallons of oil into the Bering Strait and greatly…
Local

Crazy Old-Timer Wants to Create 'Master Race'

DUBUQUE, IA—Chalk it up to eccentricity, old age or just plain senility, but area nursing home resident Adolf Hitler is planning to create a “master…
Local

Area Freak Hides In Cave

’Look Away, I Am An Abomination,’ He Says
Politics

Clinton Tagged by Local Gang

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an incident under heavy investigation by Secret Service officials, President Clinton was “tagged” late yesterday afternoon, spray-painted across the chest by a member…

Dispatch, News

Serbian Rape Camp Prisoners Fall Victim to TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes

GRZNY (AP)—A group of Serbian rape camp prisoners, held captive and brutally victimized by the Serbs since early 1994, fell victim again yesterday, this time…

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