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Vol 61: Issue 21

Obituaries

That Fucker

That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends…
American Voices

Kim Kardashian Graduates Law School

Kim Kardashian announced that she has completed her law program after six years of legal studies, with her sister Khloé sharing photos of the private…
American Voices

Drug Smuggling Cat Caught In Costa Rica

Costa Rican prison guards intercepted a black-and-white cat carrying over 230 grams of marijuana and 67 grams of crack cocaine in two packages, the drugs…
Entertainment

What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning’

Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know…
American Voices

Whataburger Sued For $1 Million For Not Holding Onions

A Texas man filed a lawsuit against the fast food chain Whataburger alleging that he received onions on his burger despite requesting none, claiming the…
News

New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT

WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert…

Local

Ashamed Woman Hiding Interest In Country Music Like It Hentai

CHICAGO—Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was…
Local

Romantic Teen Stands Outside Crush’s Window Holding Up Peter Gabriel

VAN NUYS, CA—Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush’s…
News

DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do

WASHINGTON—Describing the plan it went ahead with as “absolutely toothless” by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of…
Politics

Trump Shares Own Experiences As Victim Of White Genocide

WASHINGTON—Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he…
Cartoons

Where Everybody Knows Your Flame
Politics

Trump Invites WNBA Fans Who Yelled Slurs At Angel Reese To White House

WASHINGTON—Saying how much he had enjoyed watching their outstanding work on the court, President Donald Trump invited the WNBA fans who yelled slurs at Angel Reese to…

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