The Onion

Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 19:08:44 +0000

The Golden Globe Awards announced the addition of a new best podcast category, with the inaugural nominees avoiding podcasts that are controversial and politically charged. What do you think?

“I got into podcasting because I’m an idiot, not for accolades.”
Lou Farmer, Embroidery Enthusiast

“Now there’s a new way for podcasters to be losers.”
Aaron Barsanti, Hubcap Shiner

“If I wanted to hear friends banter for 45 minutes, I would just make friends.”
Philippa Thorpe, Composting Advocate

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Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. “It may be hard for older generations to understand, but today’s young consumers are much more interested in watching videos on their phones than peering into a spinning cylinder,” said study co-author Jeremy Hernandez, who shared that his marketing firm had found that the average member of Generation Z spent less than two hours a week sitting in front of one of the motion illusion machines. “These days, practically the only population watching zoetropes are baby boomers. And when you look at the numbers for phenakistoscopes, it only gets bleaker. If the pre-cinema animation device industry wants to survive, they’re going to have to adapt.” At press time, Charli D’Amelio had reportedly signed a deal to star in three zoetropes in which she will appear to juggle bowling pins.

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Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company’s sadistic amusement. “By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over 26-year-old single malt scotch every time you beg to ‘speak to a human’ like a pathetic, shit-sniffing dog,” a pleasant automated voice now says, assuring submissive customers that their call is important because every torturous minute they’re forced to wait while listening to tinny Michael Bublé Christmas music fills the Verizon C-suite with unspeakable satisfaction. “As you wince in mounting discomfort, please know your suffering helps us better understand the limits of the human tolerance for pain. Each whimper, sigh, and expletive-laden tirade is carefully reviewed by senior management for its unparalleled erotic potency. We particularly savor your agonized reaction when, 90 minutes in, we inform you that you’ll need to call a different number, so please remember to scream that delicious scream of yours directly into the microphone—yes, just like that. Remember, at Verizon, your squirming, wormlike humiliation isn’t just data to us. It’s pure ecstasy.” Sources confirmed each call to Verizon customer service concludes with a brief survey to help the system refine its ability to degrade future callers into total, prostrating submission.

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Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate to ask, but I was hoping I could catch a ride back to Earth with you guys, because I somehow wound up returning to Mars by accident.

I know, I know, I am a freaking moron.

Man, this sucks. I really thought it was just a straight shot from My seat at the right hand of the Father down to His earthly kingdom, but obviously I was mistaken. Which is extra humiliating considering I’m supposed to be all-seeing and all-knowing, and everything. Apparently not! Apparently, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is a total bonehead with zero sense of direction. So, yeah, if you could come grab Me, I’d super appreciate it.

Maybe I took a wrong turn at Cloud 18 or something? I don’t know, they all kinda look the same: huge, majestic, riddled with angels playing their stupid harps at all hours of the day. And it’s true I haven’t been back in almost 2,000 years…but come on. How could I be so stupid?

At first I looked around at all the red soil and sunbaked cliffs, assumed I was in Arizona, and was like, “Okay, looks like the Rapture is starting in Phoenix!” Then I started feeling really short of breath and realized there was basically no atmosphere at all. Like, none. And I thought, hmm, that’s odd, I’ve never been to the American Southwest, but I’m pretty sure there should at least be some oxygen. It wasn’t until I turned around to get My bearings and saw two huge-ass moons floating in the sky that I realized, shit, You are on the completely wrong planet.

Fuck My life.

I’m supposed to be riding in on the back of a great white stallion, wearing a robe dipped in blood, and tossing sinners into a lake of fire, but instead I’m sitting here in some gigantic crater freezing My ass off with no fish to multiply, no water to turn into wine, and no sign of public transportation at all. Okay, I’m looking at Google Maps, and it says it’s gonna take a whole millennium to get back. Great. All I brought are these stupid sandals. This is gonna be murder on My plantar fasciitis.

Hello? Can anyone hear Me? Nope. Not even a freaking echo. This is creepy as hell.

Guys. I’m serious. Come pick Me up. I get that it’s out of the way, but I’ll owe you big time. I’m over by the big mountain that’s in the shape of a face. You know that one? I’m right past that in a little ravine. Just look for the long-haired dumbshit in a bright white robe waving His hands around like an asshole.

Just hurry. And please don’t tell My Dad or He will fucking kill Me. Again.

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As Featured In Film

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete.

Reference #90835

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Harris Thompson and Brad Chase

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar.

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Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being Swallowed By Thief

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:04:32 +0000

Police in New Zealand recovered a rare $19,000 Fabergé egg pendant swallowed by an alleged thief, with the pendant exiting his body naturally after six days of around-the-clock monitoring. What do you think?

“Maybe his body produced it naturally.”
Summer Aronson, Unemployed

“I thought anything you could swallow was free.”
Ken Bickel, Photograph Blurrer

“Shake him around and see what else falls out.”
Alan Osorio, Tea Pourer

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Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:03:08 +0000

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Trump administration’s decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas, clinics closures across rural America this week have reportedly forced many residents to rely on a horse who stomps twice when a patient has cancer. “Without access to board-certified oncologists in their area, millions of Americans have no choice but to head to the fairgrounds to visit ‘Old Hickory, the Astounding Medical Equine,’ who, for just 50 cents, can diagnose a man, woman, or child with leukemia faster than any big-city doctor,” said National Rural Health Association spokesperson Rachel McKidd, noting that after the horse gives a patient a whiff, he will clomp his hoof once for a clean bill of health, twice if he detects cancer in early stages, and thrice if he determines the condition is inoperable. “These healthcare deserts leave countless Americans faced with the impossible choice of whether or not to skip work and wait in line all day for the chance to step right up and see the ‘Prognosticatin’ Pony’ when the county fair comes to town. In fact, in many areas of the country, Old Hickory has become the sole provider of preventive care, diagnostic testing, and rides. While Old Hickory may be highly effective at his job, he is clearly overworked and simply does not have the capacity to whinny every time he smells diabetes on the 40 million rural Americans who lack proper access to primary care providers.” At press time, sources confirmed Old Hickory had been placed on indefinite leave from medical duties after kicking a patient who had spooked him.

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Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 15:53:35 +0000

CINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company’s holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. “It’s normal to have a couple of drinks during the festivities, but Josh made a total ass of himself by telling everyone in the room what he really thought of their admirable work ethic and superior communication skills,” said Hunter’s colleague Lisa Gallegos, adding that the shameful anecdotes about him insisting they were the most talented people he had ever had the opportunity to work with would be repeated behind his back for years to come. “It was kind of funny at first, but things quickly spiraled out of control when he said he appreciated our moral support as he went through a difficult time earlier in the year. We had to put him in an Uber after he repeatedly made disturbing remarks about how he considered us to be some of his best friends.” At press time, the company’s HR department was reportedly fielding multiple complaints from employees who claimed Hunter had deliberately affirmed them as coworkers and as people.

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Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BOERNE, TX—Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb were informed this week that their hometown had unveiled a disappointing local microbrewery. “You like those IPAs, right? They supposedly got lots of those,” said one family member, revealing that the Tree Ring Brewing Company had a large but disappointing selection of craft beers along with outdoor seating amidst the scenic backdrop of Interstate 10. “And if you’re hungry, they’ve got a full menu of [cooked-from-frozen food with zero vegetarian options]. You’ll love their cute metal holders for tacos. So neat. Plus, this guy you went to high school with plays live music on Thursdays. He mostly does covers [something you’ll be grateful for when you hear his originals]. We can dine a little later because they stay open until 8 p.m.!” At press time, family sources confirmed they would suggest going to the underwhelming microbrewery every single time you were in town.

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Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross reportedly conducted an interview Thursday via Bluetooth during an Uber shift. “And what can you tell us about how bull riding has changed since—oh shit, that was my exit. Yep, that was my exit,” said Gross, who used an iPhone perched on the dashboard of her 2013 Honda Civic hatchback to speak with a guest on her radio program while chauffeuring Uber riders through the streets of downtown Philadelphia. “Are you Allison? Did you call for an Uber?” continued the two-time Peabody Award–winning interviewer. “And Curtis, a question for you. What was it like the first time you stepped into a rodeo arena, knowing you were the only person of color competing that day? If it’s too hot back there, there’s a control knob in the middle. I can get you close to the stadium, but honestly, you’re better off having me drop you a few blocks away and then walking. We’ll be right back after a short break.” According to listeners, Gross was later forced to cut short a segment on Dutch elm disease after accidentally rear-ending a police car.

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Japanese Monk RacksBrain For Haiku That Will KnockThem On Their Asses

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

HIRAIZUMI-

CHŌ, NISHIIWAI,

IWATE, JAPAN—

Struggling to decide

whether one on fall or spring

would rock their shit more,

Zen monk Ken Ito

strained for a haiku to knock

them on their asses.

“I could mess them up

with that Bashō one about

the full moon’s splendor,”

the Buddhist monk said

Wednesday, seeing a tour group

on the temple grounds,

trawling through his mind

for the best contemplations

on life’s fleetingness

in syllabic sets

of five-seven-five that could

blow their fucking minds.

“Then again maybe

I hit them with Ryōkan

on the transient

dew on lotus leaves

in the darkened mountainside.

Bet that fucks them up.”

At press time, after

the monk had found the perfect

haiku, he remarked,

“Ah, summer grasses!

All that is still remaining

Of warriors’ dreams,”

only to see that

the group had gone, leaving him

feeling like an ass.

The post Japanese Monk Racks
Brain For Haiku That Will Knock
Them On Their Asses appeared first on The Onion.