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Vol 60: Issue 46

Local

Holiday Cooking For One

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we’ve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an…
Entertainment

John Cena Slims Down For New Role Portraying Human Man

LOS ANGELES—Confirming he had become almost unrecognizable to friends and family, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena opened up Tuesday about slimming down for a new role in…
News

Soldier Returning From 2096 Cyber War Reunited With 8-Year-Old Self

SULPHUR, OK—In a heartwarming visit that both man and boy are likely to remember for the rest of their lives, Sgt. Thomas Anderson, a highly…
Sports

Girlfriend Likes Part When MMA Fighters Hug
Entertainment

Taylor Swift Donates $5 Million To End Travis Kelce Hunger

NEW YORK—In a social media post in which she told followers that every dollar counted in the fight to keep him full, pop superstar Taylor…
News

Panicked Pottery Barn Executives Announce They Have Lost Control Of The Wicker

SAN FRANCISCO—In an emergency press conference at which she issued a stark warning to the nation, panicked Pottery Barn president Monica Bhargava announced Friday that…

News

Pentagon Warns China Developing Love, The Greatest Weapon Of All

ARLINGTON, VA—In a high-level alert that revealed a geo-political rival of the United States could soon become the first nation capable of wielding the most…
Weddings

James Nardone and Lisa Reynolds

The bride and groom finally decided to settle down after mutually accepting that cousins weren’t completely off the table.
American Voices

Notre-Dame To Reopen

Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris will reopen to the public five years after a devastating fire, with the bells ringing out for the first time since…
Politics

Who Is Trump’s Chief Of Staff Susie Wiles?

President-elect Donald Trump has announced that campaign co-chair Susie Wiles will serve as his White House chief of staff. The Onion takes a look at…
Local

Disney Wedding Kid-Free

ANAHEIM, CA—Saying the couple wanted to minimize disruptions while they celebrated their love of American animation and each other, area bride Rachel DaSilva told reporters…
American Voices

John Krasinski Named People’s Sexiest Man Alive

The Office star John Krasinski received the title of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024, taking the mantle from last year’s honoree Patrick Dempsey.…

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