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Dating

Local

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday…
Local

Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix

NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder…
Entertainment

Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man ‘Scooter’
News

Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality In Romantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—With the attribute far outpacing characteristics such as humor, kindness, or wealth, a poll released Monday by Monmouth University found that the…
Politics

RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism

WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous…
Entertainment

Taylor Swift Spoils Travis Kelce For Anniversary By Cracking Egg Over His Kibble

Local

CEO Worried 23-Year-Old Only Into Him For His Keen Business Acumen

PHOENIX—In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the…
Entertainment

Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend’s Podcast Appearance

LEAWOOD, KS—Staring at the email in bewilderment, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly received an invoice Thursday for girlfriend Taylor Swift’s appearance on…
News

What To Know About The Tea App

Tea, an app that encourages women to write reviews about men they’ve dated, was recently hit by a data breach, with thousands of photos and…
News

Tinder Update Classifies Female Age Input Over 35 As System Error

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Causing widespread frustration among women who dared to search for love in middle adulthood, an update to the popular dating app Tinder reportedly…
Local

Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos

MADISON, WI—Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin…
Local

‘You On The Apps?’ Heralds Beginning Of World’s Bleakest Conversation

LOS ALAMOS, NM—The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase “you on the apps?” reportedly heralded the beginning of the world’s bleakest…

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