Gaza Archives - The Onion

Multiple Countries Boycott Eurovision Over Israel’s Participation

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 22:07:09 +0000

Several European broadcasters including Ireland, Spain, and the Netherlands announced a boycott of the 2026 Eurovision Song Contest after Israel was allowed to participate, arguing it’s inappropriate given the humanitarian suffering in Gaza. What do you think?

“What if Israel is planning to sing an apology song?”
Rhiannon Salkin, Systems Analyst

“Big deal, I’ve been accidentally boycotting Eurovision my whole life.”
Vikram Joshi, Cupcake Froster

“I can’t in good conscience watch Eurovision regardless of who’s performing.”
Abe Ellsworth, Sandwich Modifier

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Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 18:09:40 +0000

CAIRO—As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. “In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on a regular basis, but at a slightly slower pace than we have been of late,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, ratifying the accord that would temporarily promote the systematic discrimination, dehumanization, and persecution of the Palestinian people over their outright genocide. “Once the hostages are freed, we will dial down the attacks on Gaza hospitals, schools, and aid centers by roughly 10%, give or take. I have had my staff lay out a less rigorous schedule for committing atrocities, and in the down time, the IDF can always fall back on horrific maiming practices and general torture. It was a major concession on my part, but I have been convinced that it’s the only way to get our people home safe, and for Israel to continue committing human rights violations without consequence.” Netanyahu assured the rest of the world it would soon go back to never hearing about the routine slaughter of the Palestinian people, as opposed to barely hearing about it.

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How Aid Is Distributed In Gaza

The Onion Staff — Thu, 31 Jul 2025 18:04:15 +0000

The U.N., Doctors Without Borders, and other humanitarian groups are sounding the alarm on mass starvation throughout Gaza. The Onion takes a look at how the U.S. and Israeli-backed Gaza Humanitarian Fund is distributing aid.

STEP 1

Potential aid recipients identified through rifle scope

STEP 2

70-80 checkpoints

STEP 3

IDF soldiers wipe crumbs off their mouths

STEP 4

Palestinians in line asked if they want to film a short thank you video for Trump

STEP 5

Hungry children told to come back when they’ve developed viable two-state solution

STEP 6

Bag of rice used to block bullets

STEP 7

27 dead, 43 wounded

STEP 8

Aid not distributed after all

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Israel Intercepts Gaza Aid Boat With Greta Thunberg Aboard

The Onion Staff — Wed, 11 Jun 2025 16:30:43 +0000

An aid boat carrying environmental campaigner Greta Thunberg and other activists was intercepted by Israeli forces, with Israel’s defense minister having vowed to prevent the ship from reaching the Gaza Strip. What do you think?

“Is nowhere safe from aid?”
Clark DeWolfe, Trend Grapher

“Did their guns jam?”
Kelsie Dunvan, Team Assembler

“It sounds innocent, but that boat could easily be concealing a school or hospital.”
Jay Baldwin, Text Message Archivist

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Trump Proposes U.S. Takeover Of Gaza

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Feb 2025 20:00:39 +0000

President Trump declared that the United States should seize control of Gaza and permanently displace the entire Palestinian population of the devastated seaside enclave, one of the most brazen ideas that any American leader has advanced in years. What do you think?

“I’m sure once he explains the plan it will all make even less sense.”
Demetrius Kelly, Pancake Flipper

“We must liberate these people from their home!”
Maggie Prats, Geode Labeler

“Is displacing native people really something we want associated with America?”
Jacob Alter, Deep Fryer

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Palestinians Return To Devastated Northern Gaza

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Jan 2025 21:53:48 +0000

Hundreds of thousands of Palestinians streamed into Gaza’s most heavily destroyed area after Israel opened the north for the first time since the early weeks of the war with Hamas, a dramatic reversal of their exodus 15 months ago. What do you think?

“It must break Israel’s heart to see so many homeless, distraught people still alive.”
Elise Ivanov, Chord Strummer

“This wanton and unprovoked land grab will not go unpunished by the Israeli state.”
Jim Heldt, Baseball Autographer

“And give them control over the region’s rubble supply?!”
Vernon Webb, General Fireproofer

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