“Maybe his body produced it naturally.”

Summer Aronson, Unemployed

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“I thought anything you could swallow was free.”

Ken Bickel, Photograph Blurrer

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“Shake him around and see what else falls out.”

Alan Osorio, Tea Pourer

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“Yet again, bald men become scapegoats for society’s ills.”

Will Jackson, Systems Analyst

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“He should have said it was dandruff.”

Alice Cross, Monument Inscriber

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“But they didn’t find the heroin hidden under his merkin.”

Lee Baker, Deployment Strategizer

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Although he was assigned to the case in order to gather evidence against an alleged child abuser, Aguero, 54, admitted he was quickly beguiled by the charming man he contacted through the gaming platform Roblox while purporting to be a teenager named Zoey. The pedophile, identified only by the username Ken1965, reportedly wrote to the detective’s fake account several times a day and often remarked that his intended victim was special and looked pretty.

“I know he thinks I’m a 13-year-old girl from the suburbs who loves BTS and wants to be a dog trainer when she grows up, but I can’t deny it anymore—I’m deeply, hopelessly in love,” Aguero said of the predator, confiding that he “practically ran” to his computer at the sheriff’s office every day just to view his new messages. “Is he a serial child molester? Yes. But Ken understands me, okay? I can talk to him about problems I’m having with my friends or how much I hate doing math. And he gets it when I complain about my parents, too.”

“God knows he pays more attention to me than they do,” he added, referring to Ruben and Isabella Aguero of Baytown, TX, age 84 and 81, respectively.

Though he can only communicate with the suspect through the guise of Zoey, the divorced middle-age detective explained that Ken1965 nonetheless provides him with a shoulder to cry on, listening to the insecurities he has about his body and about whether anyone could ever find him lovable. Aguero said his confidence is bolstered every time he’s on Roblox chatting with the sex offender, who is always offering to take him on trips and introduce him to his friends.

According to his sheriff’s department colleagues, Aguero’s has grown secretive and withdrawn since he became involved with the sting operation. His supervisor, Lt. Crystal Olmstead, noted that the detective always seemed to minimize his internet browser window when she walked by his desk.

“While I’m glad he’s committed to his work, I’m a little concerned about the amount of time Gordon is spending on this case,” said Olmstead, who furrowed her brow as she described how the detective was using the Roblox account “basically 24/7.” “When he’s not on his computer, he’s glued to his phone, texting madly away. Every time I ask him about it, he gets really defensive, and I’m worried that if I pry too much, I’ll only push him away.”

The besotted detective showed reporters the trove of evidence he had collected in the undercover role, blushing as he opened a manila folder of printouts that contained a message reading “u and me can be best friends,” another that read “don’t tell ur parents about me, beautiful,” a $25 Roblox gift card that enabled the sworn law enforcement officer to purchase a “kick ass” digital shark costume his avatar could wear, and a very persistent series of requests for nude photos.

With the operation expected to end soon, Aguero expressed concern about meeting Ken1965 in person, acknowledging that the pedophile would be unhappy when he discovered Zoey was only an alias. 

“I’m just so scared that when we arrest him, he’s going to be mad,” the detective told reporters. “He said he wanted to hold my hand and kiss me, but what if those were lies? What if he doesn’t like the way I look? What if he decides he doesn’t love me anymore?” 

“At the end of the day, all I can do is have faith that if it’s meant to be, it will be,” Aguero added. “Besides, if he really loves me, he won’t care that I’m a cop.”

At press time, Aguero was staring into the bathroom mirror of the house where the sting was to take place, still primping and smoothing his hair as a half dozen sheriff’s deputies threw the pedophile to the ground and handcuffed him.

The post Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile appeared first on The Onion.

“It’s a real mystery,” said Sgt. Ted Vittorio of the Bridgeport Police Department. “Judging from the way he kept putting the paper bag up to his mouth, you’d think he was drinking something out of it. But obviously he wasn’t, since paper can’t hold liquid. It would soak right through instantly.”

Vittorio said he was making his normal patrol of the area when he noticed Kilty clutching the strange bag.

“It’s part of my job to monitor for loitering and public intoxication, so when I spotted Kilty sitting on the bench, I slowed down to survey the scene,” Vittorio said. “I thought maybe he was drinking, but, as it turned out, he was just repeatedly putting a paper bag up to his face. Such behavior may be strange, but it’s certainly not illegal, so I moved on.”

Kilty, 32, who remains on the bench as of press time, reportedly spent his first three hours greeting passersby. At approximately 4:15 p.m., he was joined by two male companions, who intermittently held the paper bag and took turns disappearing behind the thick hedges that border the parking lot.

With so few leads, police can only speculate as to what the bag contains.

“Whatever’s in there, it’s got to be pretty heavy, because otherwise why would the men need to take turns holding it?” police chief Edgar Rudolph said. “And we know it’s not liquor, because everyone in town is well aware of Bridgeport City Ordinance Title 9, Chapter 4, Article 4, which clearly states that it is unlawful for any person within city limits to possess any alcoholic beverage in any public place, or to transport any alcoholic beverage upon any public street, sidewalk, pedestrian mall, alleyway or thoroughfare where such alcoholic beverage is in a receptacle which has been opened, or the seal of which has been broken, or the contents of which have been partially removed.”

“Besides,” Rudolph continued, “just for the sake of argument, let’s say that those men were willing to risk arrest and a $110 fine for public drinking. They certainly would have taken the extra 10 seconds to make it a little less obvious by simply pouring the alcohol into a soda can or paper cup or something. No one could be that stupid.”

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