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Nutritionists Warn Taco Bell $3 Steak Burrito A $3 Steak Burrito

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to advise American consumers about the potential hazards of ingesting the Mexican-inspired fast food item, nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic warned…
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Pros And Cons Of Using AI For Schoolwork

As millions of students across the U.S. return to the classes, schools and universities are struggling to establish consistent policies regarding the use of AI.…
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Report Finds Humans Waste 74 Billion Gallons Of Water Each Year Making Tea

NEW HAVEN, CT—Providing data that bolsters long-running concerns about the beverage among environmental experts and activists, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Yale University…
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Atrocities Keep Getting In Frame Of D.C. Tourist’s Shot

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he wasn’t going to leave the nation’s capital without getting one good photograph, D.C. tourist Stan Jacobs expressed frustration Friday after atrocities kept…
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Evidence Suggests Easter Island Heads Were Gifts From Overbearing Mother-In-Law

IOWA CITY, IA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery surrounding the monolithic statues, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found evidence…

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Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time

SAN FRANCISCO—Thumbing back the pistol’s hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun…
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Study: Elephants Only Other Species Capable Of Leveraging Synergies In Brand Portfolio

ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species…
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All The Demands Trump Is Making Of The Smithsonian

The White House has announced they will be reviewing all exhibits at the Smithsonian Institution in order “to assess tone, historical framing, and alignment with…
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National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass

WASHINGTON—Expanding its suite of discounted entry options to draw in more visitors, the National Park Service announced Tuesday the rollout of a new annual body-dumping…
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Poll Finds Americans Still Believe Greatest Threat To Public Health The Undertaker

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the widespread dissemination of misinformation, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found the majority of Americans still…
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Starbase Named Best City To Start Family With Boss

NEW YORK—Describing the city recently incorporated by SpaceX workers as ideal for those hoping to settle down and raise their employer’s children, U.S. News &…

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Disgusted God Puts Giant Overturned Glass Atop Humanity

THE HEAVENS—Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday…
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Jeff Bezos Mugs Amazon Warehouse Worker At Gunpoint

KENOSHA, WI—After lurking in a fulfillment center parking lot until employees had finished their 12-hour shift, Amazon founder and executive chairman Jeff Bezos reportedly mugged…
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Biologists Observe Geese Eating Tool

NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling the previously undocumented behavior one of the most exciting scientific discoveries of the decade, biologists from Yale University confirmed Tuesday that they…
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Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam

WASHINGTON—In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been…
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Alan Dershowitz Sues Farmers Market Vendor For Refusing To Sell Him Child

WEST TISBURY, MA—Following through on his threat of legal action, civil liberties lawyer Alan Dershowitz confirmed Monday that he had filed a lawsuit against a…
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What To Know About The Tea App

Tea, an app that encourages women to write reviews about men they’ve dated, was recently hit by a data breach, with thousands of photos and…