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Vol 60: Issue 42

Entertainment

24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon Attended With Other Failures

MILWAUKEE—Expressing enthusiasm about the programming and atmosphere at the Avalon Theater’s all-night screening, local man Dan Wittman reportedly attended a 24-hour Scare-O-Rama horror marathon this…
News

Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe

ATLANTA—Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall…
News

Secretary Of The Macabre Unveils Initiative To Fill Nation’s Empty Eye Sockets With Maggots

WASHINGTON—In remarks delivered to the White House press corps, the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre unveiled a new departmental initiative Friday that aims to fill…
Local

Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix

NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder…
News

Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month

CHICAGO—In commemoration of the many historic contributions made to the nation by individuals who feast upon the remains of the dead, Ghoul Americans are coming…
Commentary

AI? Ai-Yai-Yai!

Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted…

Entertainment

BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This

CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis…
Football

NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the…
Local

CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk

NEW YORK—Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay…
Local

Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he…
News

FEMA Administrator Resigns After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator…
Entertainment

Justin Bieber Forgets Wife’s Name

LOS ANGELES—Staring blankly at the 27-year-old woman sitting across from him, musical artist Justin Bieber told reporters Thursday that he had forgotten his wife’s name. “I’d…

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