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God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could…
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Legal Ruling Forces God To Add Cancer Warning To Earth

THE HEAVENS—Noting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God,…
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Disgusted God Puts Giant Overturned Glass Atop Humanity

THE HEAVENS—Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday…
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God Too Obsessed With Ants Right Now To Focus On Next Pope

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that…
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God Placed Into Deity Protection Program After Witnessing Murder

ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the…
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Heaven Enacts Retaliatory Tariffs On U.S.-Bound Miracles

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God Locks Heavenly Gates After Spotting Mormon Missionaries Milling Around Outside

THE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting…
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God Looks 400 Millennia Younger After Infusing Self With Son’s Blood

THE HEAVENS—The color noticeably returning to His white beard as His cheeks began to flush with a youthful glow, celestial sources reported Monday that God…

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