Finance

News

Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasn’t Set On A House

WASHINGTON—In an effort to manage the American people’s expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn’t…
American Voices

Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags

An investor group that includes Travis Kelce has acquired about 9% of Six Flags Entertainment Corporation, planning to advocate for strategic changes to improve visitor…
Local

37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month

SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday…
News

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills

NEW YORK—Calling the strategy an “effective solution” for anyone feeling weighed down by economic hardship, a group of leading financial advisors recommended Tuesday throwing any…
News

Indiana Offers Tax Breaks To Attract Religious Doomsday Cults

INDIANAPOLIS—With an official proclamation that declared the state “open to self-proclaimed messianic prophets,” Indiana began offering tax breaks Wednesday to attract religious doomsday cults. “Whether your…
American Voices

Build-A-Bear Stock Outperforms Nvidia

Build-a-Bear Workshop’s stock, defying the threat of tariffs on its Chinese-sourced inventory, has surged over 2,000% in the past 5 years, outpacing Wall Street darlings…

American Voices

Trump Adds $100,000 Fee For H-1B Visa Applications

In an attempt to reduce foreign labor in the tech sector, President Trump imposed a $100,000 annual fee on new H-1B visa applications, dealing a…
Politics

Freshman Congressman Being Adorably Discreet With Corruption

WASHINGTON—Marveling at the childlike innocence and naïveté on display from their first-term colleague, members of the U.S. House of Representatives confirmed Wednesday that freshman congressman…
American Voices

Elon Musk Briefly Loses Title Of World’s Richest Man

Elon Musk was temporarily overtaken as the world’s richest person by Oracle cofounder Larry Ellison after the company’s stock surged $100 billion on AI-related cloud…
Politics

DOGE Employees Dig Up Arlington National Cemetery

ARLINGTON, VA—In an initiative they described as a vital part of their effort to cut federal spending, officials at the Department of Government Efficiency reported…
Local

Couple So Wealthy They Have Own Live-In Children

WESTFIELD, MA—Saying they had never seen such an ostentatious display, friends attending a barbecue yesterday at the home of Pete and Emily Brooks told reporters…
Baseball, Sports

Scalpers Jack Up Price Of Colorado Rockies Ticket To $11

DENVER—In what’s being decried as an outrageous case of price-gouging, scalpers have reportedly begun charging as much as $11 for Colorado Rockies tickets, forcing some…