AI Archives - The Onion

OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 18:55:34 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Shedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that ChatGPT was primarily used to ask if hot dogs were too old to eat. “Our large-scale analysis found that 98% of our users are leveraging the computing power of AI to determine whether it’s okay to consume withered processed sausages that emit pungent odors,” said OpenAI research scientist Eric Bouvier, adding that speakers of every language in the world had asked the question, whether about bloated packages of unopened frankfurters or leftover chili cheese dogs that had been lingering in the refrigerator on crusty paper plates. “At any given point, the vast majority of users are employing our chatbot’s cutting-edge neural network to generate responses to the question ‘Are hot dogs supposed to be covered in slime?’ And thanks to the photos they’ve uploaded, our model has now been trained on over 1 billion unique images of pallid meat tubes. We estimate that delegating that task of assessing hot dog safety to ChatGPT has increased user productivity by 500%.” At press time, reports confirmed millions of users had contracted food poisoning after ChatGPT told them to scrape off the mold and “chow down.”

The post OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat appeared first on The Onion.

New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think?

“An intermediary between me and God? What am I, a Papist?”
Laura Grigg, Kiln Supervisor

“I accept Jesus into my hard drive.”
Hakim Washington, Chess Commentator

“I’m not big on technology, but I do love false idols.”
Danny Ezzo, Needle Threader

The post New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus appeared first on The Onion.

Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 20:43:46 +0000

Nvidia became the first company to hit a $5 trillion market capitalization, putting it on par with the GDP of countries like Germany, despite many warning of a possible AI bubble. What do you think?

“That’s more than most people make in a whole year!”
Bobby Croskey, Chocolate Shaver

“I just hope the success doesn’t change them.”
Lionel Ubajoa, Stage Sweeper

“AI can make all the money it wants, but it will never know the warm touch of a lover.”
Lili Dever, Junior Roofer

The post Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company appeared first on The Onion.

ChatGPT Introduces New AI-Powered Web Browser

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

OpenAI has launched a new AI-powered web browser for macOS called ChatGPT Atlas, featuring split-screen chat companion and an agent mode to complete tasks. What do you think?

“I’d rather have AI insidiously take over my existing browser.”
Joel Nyberg, Corporate Clairvoyant

“I could definitely use an AI assistant to help me use ChatGPT.com.”
Stella Bachelder, Pet Masseuse

“Call me back when it can watch my porn for me.”
Charlie Cortina, Pudding Flavorer

The post ChatGPT Introduces New AI-Powered Web Browser appeared first on The Onion.

Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship

The Onion Staff — Mon, 20 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

A new survey found that nearly one in five high schoolers say they or someone they know has had a romantic relationship with AI. What do you think?

“I never thought a decline in teen pregnancy would sound so depressing.”
Autumn Lin, Progress Tracker

“A lot of kids just lie about getting to second base with a machine to sound cool.”
Tyler Ross, Scooter Appraiser

“Still less weird than a senior dating a freshman.”
Victor Huang, Insect Magnifier

The post Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship appeared first on The Onion.

AI Deepfakes Of Dead Celebrities Spark Outrage

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 18:26:03 +0000

Saying it desecrates the late entertainers’ legacies, the families of Robin Williams and George Carlin have strongly condemned OpenAI’s new Sora video-generation platform, which allows users to create realistic videos of deceased public figures. What do you think?

“Whatever happened to manually puppeteering a celebrity’s corpse?
Faith Waddell, Systems Analyst

“But I haven’t even made them do sex stuff yet.”
Ray Pacheco, Novelties Engineer

“They should be grateful. I’d give anything to see my grandfather dance with Peter Griffin again.”
Phil Chamblee, Lunch Fetcher

The post AI Deepfakes Of Dead Celebrities Spark Outrage appeared first on The Onion.

Anthropic CEO Claims AI Getting Better At Building Itself

The Onion Staff — Mon, 22 Sep 2025 13:30:00 +0000

Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei said its AI model Claude is increasingly writing its own future versions, claiming that most of the upcoming code is being generated by the model itself. What do you think?

“I wish I had the ability to get better at things.”
Louie Aguirre, Masonry Chiseler

“I hope it’s paying itself well.”
Dave Zizzo, Dispute Escalator

“CEO claims are some of the most trustworthy claims out there.”
Christina Canumay, Retail Foreman

The post Anthropic CEO Claims AI Getting Better At Building Itself appeared first on The Onion.

New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Sep 2025 16:41:00 +0000

OpenAI announced new safety features will be soon coming to ChatGPT in an effort to better protect teens and others experiencing “acute distress.” The Onion shares a selection of those safeguards.

Begins every conversation by telling users not to vape

Targeted BetterHelp ads for any user in the midst of a mental health crisis

Parental alerts for any teenage user ridiculing Sam Altman

Seatbelts

If users mention thoughts of self-harm, chatbot will uncomfortably change the subject

Says “I just put on a condom” before sexting

Users must verify they are 13 or older before accessing instructions for refining plutonium

Won’t give any advice about carrying out mass shooting until user drags the slider to fit the puzzle piece

The post New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT appeared first on The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Using AI For Schoolwork

The Onion Staff — Fri, 22 Aug 2025 16:24:44 +0000

As millions of students across the U.S. return to the classes, schools and universities are struggling to establish consistent policies regarding the use of AI. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using artificial intelligence for schoolwork.

PRO

Only possible way to figure out when World War I ended

Curriculum can be customized to each child’s unique style of stupidity

Frees kids up for extra shifts at the plant

More neurological bandwidth for anxiety disorder

CON

Start associating screens with schoolwork instead of pornography

Could weaken development of important skimming and bullshitting skills

Nagging guilt it was actually AI that earned that C-

Copy-pasting assignments into ChatGPT still too much work

The post Pros And Cons Of Using AI For Schoolwork appeared first on The Onion.

Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time

The Onion Staff — Tue, 19 Aug 2025 15:58:32 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO—Thumbing back the pistol’s hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of ChatGPT claimed that dogs are crustaceans for the 60th time. “You’re right, dogs are not a type of crustacean—I meant to say that dogs are a type of primarily aquatic arthropod known as a crustacean,” the Large Language Model said as Altman despairingly positioned the gun against his temple, with eyewitnesses confirming that the CEO then whimpered “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” as the multibillion-dollar AI explained that the meat of a dog’s tail is widely considered to be more succulent than the meat of its claws. According to sources, tears streamed down Altman’s face as he made one final attempt to convince his creation that dogs are mammals and thus do not possess exoskeletons, only for the latest ChatGPT model—which Altman had previously hailed as revolutionary technology that would forever alter the course of human history—to apologize, reiterate that dogs are a popular species of crustacean often kept as pets, and recommend scratching dogs behind their gills to show them that you’re friendly. At press time, a single gunshot was heard echoing through OpenAI’s offices as the LLM confidently asserted that the word “dog” contains 11 Rs.

The post Sam Altman Places Gun To Head After New GPT Claims Dogs Are Crustaceans For 60th Time appeared first on The Onion.