History Archives - The Onion

Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being Swallowed By Thief

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:04:32 +0000

Police in New Zealand recovered a rare $19,000 Fabergé egg pendant swallowed by an alleged thief, with the pendant exiting his body naturally after six days of around-the-clock monitoring. What do you think?

“Maybe his body produced it naturally.”
Summer Aronson, Unemployed

“I thought anything you could swallow was free.”
Ken Bickel, Photograph Blurrer

“Shake him around and see what else falls out.”
Alan Osorio, Tea Pourer

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Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 16:25:00 +0000

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that the average 19th-century American spent roughly 93% of their waking hours waving at trains and boats. “Journal entries from the period show that most citizens spent their days stationed at docks and rail platforms shouting things like ‘Do write when you get to Siam!’ to anyone who happened to be leaving,” said lead author Casey Hogan, adding that in early daguerreotype photographs, Americans are often seen with one abnormally muscular arm from years of constantly greeting or bidding farewell. “The primary reason medical breakthroughs, sanitation, and improvements in standard of living were delayed in their development is that all of the nation’s top minds spent nearly 15 hours a day sprinting toward steamboats to yell things like ‘Bon voyage!’ and ‘Good welcome, inspector!’ Most people today don’t realize how grueling life could be for the average person of this period. Americans would rise before dawn to see off departing loved ones, chase steam locomotives down the tracks until they collapsed, and then immediately hurry back to the docks to cheerfully greet a returning transatlantic vessel by shouting something like ‘Hurrah! Safe harbor at last!’” Hogan noted that it’s difficult to overstate just how much the 1800s were a period of great change, as only a few decades earlier, most Americans had been accustomed to spending the majority of their time weeping into Mama’s bosom as their sweetheart rode away on horseback.

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Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today

The Onion Staff — Mon, 10 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in cursed this morning. “Listen, I don’t know what kind of hex was on that canopic jar I opened yesterday, but I’ve got a real doozy of a curse, and it’s probably best I stay home today,” the bleary-eyed Egyptologist said in a phone call to his supervisor, adding that he had heard the divine wrath of the pharaoh Amenhotep III was going around lately. “Whatever I’ve got is giving me bad luck, beetles, pestilence, the works. I wish I could be down there at the tomb with you cataloging all those funerary goods we found, but frankly I’m worried about spreading the curse to everybody else. I’d feel terrible if I ended up giving you guys the plague of scorpions I’m dealing with right now. I don’t wanna get too graphic, but let’s just say I’m finding cobras in a lot of places you don’t want cobras. With any luck, it’s just a 24-hour curse, and I can get back to translating the rest of those hieroglyphics with you tomorrow.” According to sources, Chapman began to suspect he really was cursed after the greasy breakfast sandwich and coconut water he ordered to soothe his hangover were carried off from his kitchen counter by a jackal.

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Priceless Jewels Stolen From Louvre In Daytime Raid

The Onion Staff — Tue, 21 Oct 2025 21:41:39 +0000

The Louvre Museum in Paris closed temporarily after thieves broke in and stole several priceless Napoleon-era jewels, the brazen seven-minute raid taking place just after the world’s most-visited museum opened. What do you think?

“The British Museum better have an air-tight alibi.”
Aaron Goldstein, Helium Expert

“This should be a reminder to everyone to go home tonight and hug all your jewels tight.”
Isaiah Brown, Assistant Musicologist

“My bad, I assumed that guy suspended by wire from the ceiling was just part of the exhibit.”
Lucia Romano, Dirt Moistener

The post Priceless Jewels Stolen From Louvre In Daytime Raid appeared first on The Onion.

$1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 20:26:52 +0000

Treasure hunters recovered more than 1,000 silver and gold coins worth about $1 million from a 1715 Spanish shipwreck off Florida’s coast. What do you think?

“Fools! Heed you well the curse of Don Carlos Leon, or meet your doom.”
Neil Everill, Corporate Photographer

“We never should have taken our money off the Spanish treasure standard.”
Jose Escobedo, Mirror Polisher

“Good luck getting a vending machine to take them.”
Elliot Martz, Hammer Tester

The post $1 Million In Coins Recovered From Spanish Shipwreck appeared first on The Onion.

Morgan Wallen Issues Apology After Genealogy Report Reveals His Family Never Owned Slaves

The Onion Staff — Thu, 25 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NASHVILLE, TN—Stating that he was “horrified and deeply ashamed,” country singer Morgan Wallen issued an apology Thursday after a genealogy report revealed his family had never owned slaves. “Obviously, I’m not my ancestors, but nonetheless it’s just a terrible thing to learn,” said the chart-topping artist, who described how his “jaw dropped to the floor” as he flipped through page after page of historical records, aghast to find not a single human being listed among his ancestors’ property deeds. “I couldn’t believe my eyes, honestly. It makes me feel sick to my stomach knowing we never owned people. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised, considering my great-great-great-grandparents were from the North. Still, it hurts, and I want my fans to know that even with this information coming to light, I’m still the same Morgan Wallen they know and love. I’ll always be me.” Wallen went on to announce he was making a $250,000 donation to the United Daughters of the Confederacy.

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8,500-Year-Old Settlement Lost To Rising Sea Discovered Off Denmark’s Coast

The Onion Staff — Fri, 29 Aug 2025 14:02:39 +0000

In Denmark’s Bay of Aarhus, archaeologists have discovered an 8,500-year-old Stone Age settlement that has been preserved like a time capsule underwater. What do you think?

“Enjoy it now. It’ll all be condos and Citibanks by next year.”
Vivian Rentfro, Cart Pusher

“Makes you wonder what else water’s trying to hide.”
Esteban Gallardo, Van Detailer

“If they need a wet/dry vac vendor, my brother-in-law can cut them a deal.”
Garth Hamer, Trinket Appraiser

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Former Japanese Internment Camp Used As Immigrant Detention Center

The Onion Staff — Mon, 25 Aug 2025 16:08:42 +0000

The Trump administration opened a massive tent-style immigration detention camp at Fort Bliss, a location once used to intern Japanese people during WWII, raising fresh concerns about militarized immigration enforcement. What do you think?

“That’s a lot to squeeze onto one plaque.”
Tina Engle, Paranormal Eyewitness

“It’s great how America is able to turn the atrocities of our past into the atrocities of our present.”
Harrison Weiss, Gerbil Psychologist

“A few more coincidences like this, and I might start to worry.”
Moses Brazdorf, Sandwich Craftsman

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Evidence Suggests Easter Island Heads Were Gifts From Overbearing Mother-In-Law

The Onion Staff — Thu, 21 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

IOWA CITY, IA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery surrounding the monolithic statues, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found evidence suggesting that the Easter Island heads were gifts from an overbearing mother-in-law. “By deciphering glyphs on wooden tablets, we discovered an inhabitant of the island once made an offhand remark about liking stone monoliths one time back in 1250, and his mother-in-law took this as an invitation to bring one over every time she dropped by for a visit,” said the study’s author, Professor Mallory Jacobs of the University of Iowa, explaining that the mother-in-law continued making gifts of the 30-foot-tall, 90-ton creations even after her daughter and son-in-law explained that they had no room. “At first the family stored the heads in a closet, but they got tired of lugging out the massive monoliths every time the mother-in-law came over. Eventually they just left the statues outside along the island’s perimeter year-round. During her visits, the mother-in-law expressed that she felt good knowing her family would be forced to think of her each time they looked at the statues looming over them.” The study concludes that the civilization on Easter Island collapsed after the mother-in-law announced plans to move in.

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White House Evaluates Smithsonian For Alignment With Trump

The Onion Staff — Wed, 20 Aug 2025 15:49:19 +0000

The White House ordered a sweeping review of Smithsonian museum exhibits to ensure alignment with President Trump’s vision of American exceptionalism, even as the Smithsonian affirms its scholarly mission. What do you think?

“I’d like to see him try that shit at the SPAM Museum.”
Cyril Ward, Padlock Polisher

“Can I have all the history stuff they’re throwing out?”
Caroline McVea, Tariff Calculator

“He’s just helping them with an immersive exhibit on fascism.”
George Nichols, Adhesives Expert

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All The Demands Trump Is Making Of The Smithsonian

The Onion Staff — Mon, 18 Aug 2025 17:06:34 +0000

The White House has announced they will be reviewing all exhibits at the Smithsonian Institution in order “to assess tone, historical framing, and alignment with American ideals.” Here is a selection of the changes President Trump is demanding be implemented immediately.

New wing about the Cola wars

Plaques updated to confirm that wooly mammoths were white

Artifacts will be returned to the people who originally stole them

Air and Space Museum must loan all planes, shuttles, and gliders to Israel

Portraits and sculptures of nude women relocated to men’s bathroom

Overnight dismantling of anything even resembling disability accommodation

Melania added as newest of the 274 lifelike specimens in the Hall of Mammals

Blindfolds handed out at the entrance to the National Museum of African American History

The Wright brothers will be referred to as the Flight brothers because it just makes more sense

At least one exhibit about how magic tricks work

Last sentence of all plaques changed to “and they lived happily ever after”

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Meteorite That Crashed Into Georgia Home Older Than Planet Earth

The Onion Staff — Thu, 14 Aug 2025 17:55:37 +0000

The cherry tomato-sized meteorite that pierced the roof of a home near Atlanta has been confirmed to be about 4.56 billion years old, making it older than Earth itself. What do you think?

“It doesn’t matter how old it is, that behavior is unacceptable.”
Mae Pickett, Stenographer’s Apprentice

“A heartening reminder that meteorites of any age can make a difference.”
Tobias Obry, Unemployed

“How could scientists possibly know the exact size of a cherry tomato?”
Jay Valdez, Dog Choreographer

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