Election

Politics

Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC—Since it began in May, the Bush 2004 re-election campaign has been responsible for creating thousands of new jobs, officials announced Monday.
News

Jury Selection Proving Difficult In Trial Of 'The Jury Killer'

PHOENIX—Defense attorneys for Thomas David Skrepnak, accused in 1999 of fatally stabbing all 12 members of the jury hearing his armed-robbery trial, are having trouble…
News

DVD Tries To Pass Off 'Language Options,' 'Scene Selection' As Special Features

PLANO, TX—The recently released Joe Somebody DVD attempts to pass off “language options” and “scene selection” as special features, an unhappy buyer reported Monday. “What…
Politics

Gore Begins Training For 2004 Election In Remote Mountain Cabin

MCCALL, ID—Determined to rebound from his 2000 election defeat, Al Gore has sequestered himself in a remote mountain cabin to train for his 2004 rematch…
Politics

Man Who Threatened To Move To Canada Before Election Still Here

CEDAR FALLS, IA– Despite repeated pre-election threats of expatriation, area resident Ron Glick remains a U.S. citizen, acquaintances of the 43-year-old reported Monday. “For weeks…
Politics

Election Madness

With Florida’s results in doubt, several other states mulling recounts, and both Bush and Gore threatening legal action, the winner of the Nov. 7 presidential…

News

Life Much Better Thanks To Recent Elections

WASHINGTON, DC–Life in the U.S. has significantly improved as a result of the Sept. 3 elections, according to a Georgetown University report released Tuesday. “The…
Politics

Report: Voters May Have Tried To Influence '96 Election
Politics

The 2000 Elections

In the wake of President Clinton’s second inauguration, talk has already begun to turn toward the Presidential Election of 2000. What do you think of…
Dispatch, News

Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks

WASHINGTON, DC—Political observers expressed disappointment over Tuesday’s low voter turnout, citing a rash of election-day attacks by cannibalistic, reanimated corpses of the recently deceased—flesh-eating zombies…
News

U.S. Consumers Demand Wider Selection

WASHINGTON, DC—Dissatisfied with their current range of choices, American consumers banded together Sunday to demand a wider selection of merchandise from the nation’s retailers. “The…
Commentary, Opinion

I've Got a Serious Case of Election Fever!

Item! It’s political mania out there, and yours truly has been in the thick of it! Now, I know I shouldn’t do politics, but this…