At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a dining table that, unbeknownst to them, sat over the border of the state’s newly created 21st and 35th congressional districts. As the gerrymander drew closer, the increasingly violent tremors reportedly caused silverware to clatter and ceiling tiles to crumble, with the family members clinging desperately to each other until a massive rupture in the floor tore Dan away from his wife and daughters on the basis of perceived partisan affiliation.

“Sweetheart, hey, it’s okay—Daddy is apparently just seen as a safe right-leaning voter,” the 53-year- old father said to his daughter Emma, who began to scream as the gerrymander devastated the family’s home and created a three-foot-wide chasm that pulled him ever farther away. “It’s just because I’m a little more conservative than your mom. Don’t cry, baby. I’ll be okay.”

“Now, get out of here, before it’s too late!” he added, tearing up as the encircling powers of redistricting  separated him from the rest of his family forever. 

Witnesses indicated that as the electoral abyss grew large enough to swallow their home, the remaining family members rushed to their front lawn, where they watched as the widening fissures isolated their horrified Hispanic neighbors, swallowed pets, and cleaved their suburb into demographically aligned districts in an effort to secure five additional seats for Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives.

According to sources, Jody Marshall and her children then sped away in their Range Rover with the electoral boundaries behind them cracking through the asphalt of downtown San Antonio and cleaving a left-leaning 20th district from a solidly Republican 21st. In the process, the legislative force reportedly zigzagged through a Baptist church, encircled a historically Black neighborhood, and then cut a seemingly endless abyss into San Antonio’s Riverwalk, consuming several dozen pedestrians and shoppers as part of a wider effort to ensure no more than eight of the deep red state’s 38 House seats remained in Democratic hands.

“Keep driving, goddammit! This thing is right on our asses,” teenager Karyn Marshall screamed at her mother as they turned onto Interstate 410 and a powerful gerrymander rushed closely behind them, tearing down exploding power lines, bisecting a water tower, and forcing an 18-wheeler to overturn in its tenacious pursuit of a decisive Republican advantage. “Turn left here at the off ramp to Alamo Heights! There! There, for Christ’s sake.”

“If we don’t get to a Republican district soon, it’ll swallow us whole,” she continued. 

Since the Texas State Legislature approved redrawn electoral maps in late August, small tremors have been reported as far north as Plano, TX, with window panes shaking and hundreds of rattled wild horses, bobcats, and white-tailed deer running into oncoming traffic. But this week, witnesses began to notice cracks “at least 10 feet wide” emanating from the Capitol building in Austin and proceeding south, west, and east as they divided up the state on racial, ethnic, and ideological lines. 

Currently, much of the Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas metropolitan areas lay in ruins, with rapidly spreading gerrymanders reportedly tearing apart friends, families, and church groups, and overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a state ravaged by the electoral scheme urged by the U.S. Department of Justice.

“Big WIN for the Great State of Texas!!!” President Trump wrote in a Truth Social post published in response to the devastation that left 35 dead and 828 injured. “We’re on our way to FIVE more Congressional seats and saving your Rights, your Freedoms, and your Country itself. Texas never lets us down!” 

“Florida, Indiana, and others, you’re next!” Trump added. 

At press time, experts warned that three separate gerrymanders were encircling the Comanche Nuclear Power Plant outside Fort Worth.

The post Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House appeared first on The Onion.

“How absorbent are his opponent’s towels?”

Mario Lobo, Replica Appraiser

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“He’ll poll well with the sizable bloc of voters who are overwhelmed by spills.”

Penny Norfolk, Doll Clothier

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“Anyone with a proven track record of battering women has my vote.”

Troy Powell, Cellophane Expert

The post ShamWow Guy Running For Congress appeared first on The Onion.

Claim: Mamdani is a nepo baby.

True: Mamdani is the eldest son of Bill de Blasio and Ed Koch.

Claim: Mamdani will destroy New York City.

False: Rapidly rising sea levels will destroy New York City.

Claim: Mamdani is a communist.

False: Any real communist will happily spend six hours explaining why this isn’t true.

Claim: Mamdani adheres to an extremist interpretation of Sharia law.

False: Mamdani remains honor-bound to the ancient samurai code of Bushidō.

Claim: My uncle says Mamdani will abolish the entire NYPD.

True: Your uncle does say that.

Claim: Mamdani met his wife on Hinge.

True: But it won’t happen to you.

Claim: Mamdani ended Andrew Cuomo’s political career.

False: Cuomo ended Cuomo’s political career.

Claim: He’s 34.

True: It’s time to get your shit together.

The post Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani appeared first on The Onion.

The post Californians Approve Measure To Redraw ‘Garfield’ appeared first on The Onion.

“Those protestors are just begging for an age discrimination lawsuit.”

Duncan Ashby, Unemployed

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“God, I hope I’m not still the president of a troubled nation at that age.”

Natasha Barros, Headache Researcher

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“Now the only check on power is his incontinence.”

Hector Mancilla, Suggestion Aggregator

The post Cameroon Elects 92-Year-Old President appeared first on The Onion.

The Onion : How do you feel your campaign has been going so far?

Cuomo: I haven’t really been following it.

The Onion : What is your biggest political weakness?

Cuomo: Name recognition.

The Onion : You’ve allegedly been coordinating with President Trump. How did the two of you come into contact?

Cuomo: Our hands met while rubbing the same female staffer’s lower back.

The Onion : As mayor, what would be the most important areas to focus on first?

Cuomo: Her hips, and then her thighs.

The Onion : What is your vision for the future of New York?

Cuomo: My personal necropolis. A charnel city of the damned. The bloodstained throne from which I shall tame death herself.

The Onion : What advice would you give young people interested in politics?

Cuomo: Always be empathetic, resilient, and the child of a governor.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Andrew Cuomo appeared first on The Onion.

“Now we’ll never know who tried to overturn the 2020 election.”

Sam Obiero, Systems Analyst

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“I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of whoever he is.”

Toni Casterline, Chandelier Artisan

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“I hope he has another enemy lined up.”

Lucas Megge, Water Appraiser

The post Special Counsel Jack Smith Resigns appeared first on The Onion.

“Good, he would never have beaten Trump.”

Chloe Slovik, Systems Analyst

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“I blame everyone who let him keep going at the ancient age of 53.”

Wesley Ayotte, Demolitions Overseer

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“And I bet he looked great doing it.”

Rod Kelso, Tubing Inspector

The post Justin Trudeau Resigns appeared first on The Onion.

“Still, a good resume builder.”

Corbin Webster, Denim Embroiderer

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“Yeah, I always check out of my job around this time of year too.”

Melanie Sabo, Unemployed

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“Looks like somebody’s gunning for a cabinet position.”

David Khalil, Plug Tester

The post Jack Smith Drops Election Interference Case Against Trump appeared first on The Onion.

“They’re going to feel really silly when it’s outlawed and they have to throw all the pills away.”

Sabrina Basile, Paranormal Litigator

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“Women and their little hobbies!”

Claudio Ramos, Manners Consultant

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“I had no idea women were this worried about tariffs.”

Thomas Sieghart, Obstacle Eliminator

The post Women Stockpiling Abortion Pills Ahead Of Trump’s Term appeared first on The Onion.