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Election

Politics

DNC Email Pleads For $20 To Cheer Them Up

WASHINGTON—Calling on all Democrats to step up and donate in the wake of Donald Trump’s victory in the 2024 presidential election, a fundraising email sent…
Politics

Tireless Civil Rights Crusaders Not So Smug Now

STEWARTSTOWN, PA—With Donald Trump decisively winning a second term as president, local sources reported this week that those tireless civil rights crusaders weren’t so smug…
Politics

America Defeats America

WASHINGTON—In a historic outcome that promised to halt the rising scourge of the United States in its tracks, America has defeated America at the ballot…
Politics

Trump Calls Harris To Congratulate Himself On Winning

PALM BEACH, FL—In a five-minute phone call that both campaigns described as largely cordial, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly called Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday morning…
Politics

Election Officials Announce Results Won’t Be Available Until After You Brush Teeth, Put On Jammies

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024…
Politics

Doug Emhoff Forced To Sit In Corner Of Election Party After Getting Too Hyper

WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit…

Politics

Confident Jill Stein Goes With Stadium For Election Party

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had…
Politics

Anxious Trump Spends Election Night Watching Old ‘Gilmore Girls’ Episodes In Bed

PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching…
Politics

CNN Touchscreen Map Already Covered In Peanut Butter
American Voices

America Votes In 2024 Election

Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What…
Politics

Neuralink Patient Unable To Stop Hand From Voting For Trump

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to…
Politics

Report: High Turnout Traced To Americans Mistakenly Voting On Vending Machine

WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily…

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