At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a dining table that, unbeknownst to them, sat over the border of the state’s newly created 21st and 35th congressional districts. As the gerrymander drew closer, the increasingly violent tremors reportedly caused silverware to clatter and ceiling tiles to crumble, with the family members clinging desperately to each other until a massive rupture in the floor tore Dan away from his wife and daughters on the basis of perceived partisan affiliation.

“Sweetheart, hey, it’s okay—Daddy is apparently just seen as a safe right-leaning voter,” the 53-year- old father said to his daughter Emma, who began to scream as the gerrymander devastated the family’s home and created a three-foot-wide chasm that pulled him ever farther away. “It’s just because I’m a little more conservative than your mom. Don’t cry, baby. I’ll be okay.”

“Now, get out of here, before it’s too late!” he added, tearing up as the encircling powers of redistricting  separated him from the rest of his family forever. 

Witnesses indicated that as the electoral abyss grew large enough to swallow their home, the remaining family members rushed to their front lawn, where they watched as the widening fissures isolated their horrified Hispanic neighbors, swallowed pets, and cleaved their suburb into demographically aligned districts in an effort to secure five additional seats for Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives.

According to sources, Jody Marshall and her children then sped away in their Range Rover with the electoral boundaries behind them cracking through the asphalt of downtown San Antonio and cleaving a left-leaning 20th district from a solidly Republican 21st. In the process, the legislative force reportedly zigzagged through a Baptist church, encircled a historically Black neighborhood, and then cut a seemingly endless abyss into San Antonio’s Riverwalk, consuming several dozen pedestrians and shoppers as part of a wider effort to ensure no more than eight of the deep red state’s 38 House seats remained in Democratic hands.

“Keep driving, goddammit! This thing is right on our asses,” teenager Karyn Marshall screamed at her mother as they turned onto Interstate 410 and a powerful gerrymander rushed closely behind them, tearing down exploding power lines, bisecting a water tower, and forcing an 18-wheeler to overturn in its tenacious pursuit of a decisive Republican advantage. “Turn left here at the off ramp to Alamo Heights! There! There, for Christ’s sake.”

“If we don’t get to a Republican district soon, it’ll swallow us whole,” she continued. 

Since the Texas State Legislature approved redrawn electoral maps in late August, small tremors have been reported as far north as Plano, TX, with window panes shaking and hundreds of rattled wild horses, bobcats, and white-tailed deer running into oncoming traffic. But this week, witnesses began to notice cracks “at least 10 feet wide” emanating from the Capitol building in Austin and proceeding south, west, and east as they divided up the state on racial, ethnic, and ideological lines. 

Currently, much of the Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas metropolitan areas lay in ruins, with rapidly spreading gerrymanders reportedly tearing apart friends, families, and church groups, and overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a state ravaged by the electoral scheme urged by the U.S. Department of Justice.

“Big WIN for the Great State of Texas!!!” President Trump wrote in a Truth Social post published in response to the devastation that left 35 dead and 828 injured. “We’re on our way to FIVE more Congressional seats and saving your Rights, your Freedoms, and your Country itself. Texas never lets us down!” 

“Florida, Indiana, and others, you’re next!” Trump added. 

At press time, experts warned that three separate gerrymanders were encircling the Comanche Nuclear Power Plant outside Fort Worth.

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“How absorbent are his opponent’s towels?”

Mario Lobo, Replica Appraiser

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“He’ll poll well with the sizable bloc of voters who are overwhelmed by spills.”

Penny Norfolk, Doll Clothier

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“Anyone with a proven track record of battering women has my vote.”

Troy Powell, Cellophane Expert

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1940

Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm.

1961

Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural ball after begging dad to spring for VIP meet-and-greet passes. 

1994–1997

The Lost Years.

1999

First and last time an intern gets her lunch order wrong.

2007

Remains seated during State of Union speech while George W. Bush nearly chokes to death on pretzel.

2010

Rallies House Democrats to pass legislation that controversially benefits Americans.

2019

Purposefully gives Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wrong directions to congressional hearing room.

Jan. 5, 2021

Goes to work in a shit-free office.

2023

BLM tattoo removed. 

2027

Suddenly bad at stock trading.

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The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained a turkey sandwich, apple slices, baby carrots, and a juice box, was reportedly tossed back and forth by several members of Congress who refused to return the boy’s food and always kept it just out of his reach.

“If you want to eat, you’re going to have to jump for it!” said Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), laughing as he dangled the bag above the head of the 4-foot-tall child, who leapt in vain as he attempted to retrieve his one reliable meal of the day. “Heh, too slow! You gotta be quicker than that, dweeb. Oh…are you too weak to grab it from us? Sucks to suck, I guess.”

“Okay, fine, here, you can have it,” Paul continued as he momentarily feigned returning the lunch to Henderson. “Psych!”

According to witnesses, Rep. Rich McCormick (R-GA) shouted “Go long!” and threw the bag in a high arc across the cafeteria and into the hands of Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), who then handed it off to Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). She, in turn, zigzagged through the tables with the food, staying one step ahead of the red-faced Henderson as he tried to reclaim it. 

At one point, members of the Senate Subcommittee on Education and the American Family were seen forming a chain and passing the lunch from one person to the next, high over the boy’s outstretched hands.   

Congressional aides told reporters it was not unusual for lawmakers to find kids they believed were easy targets and then spend their entire legislative recess tormenting them. The trouble they caused on Tuesday appeared to have Henderson on the verge of tears.

“Oh, are you gonna cry now? Does the little baby want his lunch?” said House Budget chair Jodey Arrington (R-TX), who informed Henderson that he was welcome to have a “knuckle sandwich” and then put the 55-pound child in a headlock, punching him in the stomach. “You’re such a fucking wuss. This is punishment for not taking your hunger like a man.”

“Here, have a drink, at least,” added Arrington, taking apple juice from the brown bag and pouring it over the boy’s head.

Suggesting he could probably find something to eat “down there somewhere,” Reps. Ben Cline (R-VA) and Mary Miller (R-IL) picked up Henderson and dumped him headfirst into a 40-gallon trash bin containing students’ uneaten lunch scraps and half-empty cartons of souring milk.

“Sorry, no lunch for you today—guess you just have to eat shit,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) told Henderson as she threw his lunch to the floor and ground it beneath the heel of her pump. “Don’t blame me. I’m just doing my part to combat childhood obesity. It’s not my fault you’re a fat loser.”

“Maybe try not to be such a little bitch next time,” the three-term representative added.

After members of Congress left the school and returned to the Hill for a vote on a budgetary measure, Rep. Greene was observed hurling the child’s lunch onto the roof of the Capitol. 

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