At a press conference, Home-
land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens would now permit any animal to join, opening the door for countless birds, primates, and reptiles to participate in raids of immigrants’ workplaces, conduct ambushes at immigration courts, and pilot fast-track deportation flights to cooperating foreign countries.

“By removing restrictions on tentacles, hooves, talons, and the number of legs an applicant may possess, we’ve made it possible for countless nonhuman patriots to do their part cleaning up America’s streets,” said Noem, dressed in a pith helmet and ICE-emblazoned safari gear while flanked by a gorilla and an ostrich. “A bison can love its country just as much as any person, and if it wants to use its large, powerful horns to toss illegals into the back of a van, we say, ‘Welcome aboard.’ ”

“There are many kinds of patriots in this country, even if some of them can only communicate by hooting or growling,” Noem added.

ICE’s urgent need for new members is said to have led the agency to send recruiters to beaver dams, buzzard nests, and dank, bone-strewn caves across the country, where in a desperate effort to secure the personnel necessary to carry out their waves of deportations, they offer signing bonuses that range from logs full of termites to live salmon to carrion. Despite concerns from critics that most animals were unfit to wield life-or-death authority over a vulnerable populace, ICE officials claimed that an inability to experience human empathy was exactly the kind of quality they were looking for in their candidates.

“Morale is extremely low right now, and we’re frankly in no position to be picky about who we recruit,” said ICE chief of staff Jon Feere, adding that preferences for bipedal candidates with object permanence and opposable thumbs had become “a thing of the past” in the current political climate. “At the end of the day, what we need is more boots and talons and flippers on the ground. If a blue whale has a mouth big enough to detain a hundred illegals at a time, we’ll gladly hire it to help us take our country back.”

“Maybe if we’d been draping ostriches in body armor and sending them into sanctuary cities back in 2017, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now,” Feere continued.

According to eyewitness accounts, packs of ICE animals participating in training exercises have become a common sight in immigrant communities, with these maneuvers often derailing when a rabid raccoon leaps onto an agent’s face or a grizzly bear mauls law enforcement officials. This has reportedly prompted undocumented civilians to stay off the streets for fear of being carried off in the jaws of vicious wolves or stuffed in a kangaroo’s pouch and spirited away to a shadowy detention facility. 

Despite sharing similar backgrounds, many of the most gung-ho among ICE’s new recruits seem unbothered that they themselves come from species not native to North America.

“Immigrants Moka tax dollars take, dirty country—cry Moka,” said Moka, a 5-year-old eastern lowland gorilla recently hired by ICE, who communicated with reporters via rudimentary sign language while hidden behind mirrored aviators and a Punisher skull neck gaiter. “Immigrants trouble devils. Smart Trump Moka helpful. Far immigrants. Far woke. Patriot gorilla true.”

“No country charity,” Moka went on, snorting and slapping the ground as she grew increasingly agitated. “ICE good. Stink crime. Moka America great make.”

The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

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$50,000:

Sufficient incentive to treat fellow human beings this way

260:

Agents with Celtic knot tattoos

8:

Pitch sessions before they finally landed on “Operation Midway Blitz”

1,759:

Yards of zip ties used on tamale vendors

6:

Agents it takes to handcuff an unarmed journalist who’s already on the ground

$1,500:

Bonus for every pregnant woman detained

16:

Mexican supervillains stopped from blowing up city at very last second

?:

Number of people disappeared

3,874:

Hours of footage to be reviewed at The Hague

The post Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

STEP 1

Be born with something just…missing

STEP 2

Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority to do so, to see if it’s for you

STEP 3

Unlearn any secondary languages you may know

STEP 4

If filling out the application form presents a challenge, candidates may instead demonstrate how hard they can punch a dog

STEP 5

Undergo background check confirming at least one prior arrest for a violent crime

STEP 6

Click through six-step combat training module

STEP 7

Order police vest from www.costumecorner.com

STEP 8

Grab gun from gun bucket

The post How To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

MYTH: ICE agents lack proper training.

FACT: Most have been racists their entire lives.

MYTH:​ ICE raids do nothing to reduce crime.

FACT​: A fruit vendor who sold mangoes that weren’t quite ripe is now off the streets.

MYTH: ICE agents are required to identify themselves.

FACT: Most ICE agents are preverbal.

MYTH: ​My grandmother was deported to El Salvador.

FACT:​ No one really knows where she was deported to.

MYTH: ICE is violating people’s constitutional rights.

FACT: The U.S. Constitution doesn’t apply in Uganda.

MYTH: ICE exists to protect Americans.

FACT: They’re right behind us, aren’t they?

The post ICE Raids: Myth Vs. Fact appeared first on The Onion.

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Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump’s immigration policy, warned that Democrats “may get more than they bargained for” with transparency initiatives like the Senate’s VISIBLE Act, because the agency’s more than 20,000 members wear neck gaiters, hats, and sunglasses to cover a terrifying void where their eyes, nose, and mouth should be.

“The truth is, just underneath their masks lies an infinite abyss of total and complete darkness,” said Homan, adding that ICE officers concealed themselves not only for their own benefit, but also to protect others from seeing the hideous, unknowable horror beneath. “Liberals can accuse this agency of constitutional violations all they want. But we both know that seeing a man in tactical gear is far better than seeing a man without a face, staring deep into that empty chasm, and instantly going mad.”

 “Mere mortals cannot survive what lies beyond the cloth,” Homan continued. “Whatever you do, don’t go towards the dark, don’t go towards the dark, don’t go towards the dark.”

According to Homan, anyone who went within even a few feet of an unmasked agent, including protesters, government officials, and lawyers, would experience debilitating full-body chills, hear sharp ringing sounds in their ears, and experience visions of death so intense they would immediately fall to the ground and claw out their own eyes.

In addition, the border czar warned that bystanders who attempted to take photos and videos of unmasked ICE agents at raids on workplaces, government buildings, or public parks would be sucked into a dimension of darkness, never to return, and nothing would be left behind but a charred, cracked camera and footage corrupted by static and ominous whispers.

Scoffing at what he called the naivete of Democrats, Homan told reporters the terror that lay behind agents’ masks was only the beginning, and that it was nothing compared to what could be found inside the agency’s unmarked vans and warehouses. He then looked off into the distance, unleashed a scream, and said, “They are coming for me, the men of the night, they are coming for me!”

In a post on Truth Social, the president argued that Americans should thank ICE agents for hiding their faces, contending that several months spent in a detention center was much safer than the prospect of accidentally catching a glimpse behind their masks and having one’s mind imprisoned for all eternity, floating forever between the valley of life and death.

“The BRAVE Patriotic Men and Women of ICE deserve to keep their masks and also when they remove them they are Very Scary,” Trump wrote in a late-night post defending his immigration policies. “They risk their lives arresting rapists and murderers. Also, when I stared into the void, I saw a baby version of myself being eaten by an adult version of myself while a faceless man watched. Then, my face was on his face, and he LAUGHED!”

“I don’t know what it means,” the president added, “but ICE and the faceless man who spoke in my mother’s voice will Make America Great Again!

At press time, Trump confirmed that he’d set a new goal to deport at least 65 million migrants to the shadow realm. 

The post ICE Confirms Agents Do Not Have Faces Beneath Masks appeared first on The Onion.

PRO

They get to see where The Good Wife took place

Troops barely go to go anywhere last administration

Sends strong message to anyone who thinks they can just get away with going about their day

City could use more bored people with guns

CON

Fewer troops available to invade Dubuque

Leaves recruitment tables at America’s high school cafeterias unmanned

Brutalizing civilians should be the police department’s job

Projectile sandwiches more hazardous when wet

The post Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago appeared first on The Onion.