Pope Archives - The Onion

Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

VATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation Z’s first demon. “For his innovative use of digital communications to torment and possess the Christian faithful, Melapheus, better known by his online handle DiabolusMel, is hereby accorded full demonhood,” Pope Leo XIV wrote in an official decree announcing the decision, adding that countless young sinners had been inspired to lead lives of infernal debauchery thanks to the 23-year-old malevolent spirit’s wretched example. “The church has verified and can attribute to him the demonic possession of a girl who was left in a coma after a car accident. Through the intercession of Melapheus, this child was awakened from her state of unconsciousness and forced to pick up a surgical scalpel, which she then used to carve out the hearts of several doctors and nurses. His live-streamed inflictions of strange maladies that defy scientific explanation have spread the unholy word of Lucifer to millions who might not have heard the vile blasphemy otherwise. Indeed, many in their late teens and 20s say it was Melapheus’ terrible screeching emanating from their phones that first led them to seek out our church’s exorcists.” At press time, the Vatican confirmed that Melapheus was eligible to become an archdemon after a verified possession that gave a blind man the ability to see into the endless depths of hell.

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New Pope Declassifies Jesus Crucifixion Documents

The Onion Staff — Fri, 06 Jun 2025 12:00:00 +0000

VATICAN— In an effort to bring openness and transparency to his role as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that “the truth will finally be revealed” as he issued an order fully declassifying the Church’s Jesus Crucifixion Documents. “Ever since Christ was executed in broad daylight in the middle of Golgotha, questions have swirled about the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death, but no longer,” said the Bishop Of Rome, confirming that hundreds of unredacted pages of biblical apocrypha could finally provide credence to the so-called “second stabber” theory that suggested there were multiple Romans that day plunging their spears into Christ’s side. “Of course, Judas Iscariot has historically been blamed for the whole thing, but what if he was just a patsy? Isn’t it just a little too convenient that he ‘hanged himself’ immediately after the crucifixion, meaning no one could ask him what really happened? And what was Mary Magdalene doing there that day when she was scheduled to be in Galilee? Once you begin pulling at this thread, bigger and bigger questions emerge: Was it even really Jesus Christ who emerged from the cave after three days, or did the Roman leaders make a swap at the last second with another resurrected dead person? Reasonable people have been questioning these inconsistencies for centuries, and it’s long past time that we finally had a definitive answer.” The pope added that his next official act would be to clear the name of the snake who was nothing more than a fall guy for the dangerous power brokers running Eden.

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First American Pope Elected

The Onion Staff — Mon, 12 May 2025 16:17:54 +0000

Robert Francis Prevost, known now as Leo XIV, will be the 267th occupant of the throne of St. Peter, the first American to fill the role of Pope. What do you think?

“Now all 340 million of us have somewhere to crash in Rome.”
Duncan Knight, Systems Analyst

“If he can speak more than one language, he’s not American.”
Seamus O’Connor, Juice Bottler

“I thought walking out to Springsteen was a bit much.”
Kelly Chen, Squirrel Whisperer

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Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing

The Onion Staff — Fri, 09 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five goddamn decades of faith, dedication, and service in the name of our Lord and Savior, and this is the thanks I get?” said the 70-year-old Veteran Vatican diplomat, adding that he would have spent his life mired in sin if he knew it was going to end with Cardinal Robert Prevost being elected the 267th Pope of the Catholic Church. “Seriously. I spent 56 years living a moral, humble, and charitable life to get snubbed by some catty Cardinals at their stupid little Conclave. I took a vow of celibacy for God’s sake! Everyone must think I’m such an idiot.” A distraught Parolin added that he knew he should have listened to his gut, never joined the seminary, and devoted his life to Islam instead.

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Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope

The Onion Staff — Thu, 08 May 2025 20:16:08 +0000

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Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 08 May 2025 18:51:40 +0000

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Catty Cardinal Can’t Wait To See Who Got Fat Since Last Conclave

The Onion Staff — Mon, 28 Apr 2025 18:30:02 +0000

VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubén Salazar Gómez confirmed Monday that he couldn’t wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. “I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got chunky since last time,” said the Colombian prelate, snickering with his friends as they gossiped about which of their colleagues was most likely to have “let himself go” since the last time the College of Cardinals met to elect a pope, in 2013. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of the opportunity to help mold the future of the Catholic Church, but I’m 95% only doing this to see who’s hot and who’s not. Remember that one archbishop from Brazil? He was just so smug about his ‘fitness journey,’ always commenting on what the rest of us took from the buffet—it would be so satisfying if he showed up all bloated in vestments the size of a circus tent. I know, that’s terrible of me to say, but come on! Gluttony is a sin. By the way, I wonder if his low-budget hair plugs ever took.” At press time, the group of holy men were reportedly heard speculating that Cardinal Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle had had a total glow-up since last time.

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Vatican Coroner Confirms Eucharistic Overdose

Sam Hungerford — Thu, 24 Apr 2025 18:00:54 +0000

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy Father had a substantial amount of Eucharist in his system— roughly four times the legal limit—at the time of death,” said Ruini, who added that measurements of the pope’s blood of Christ (BOC) were consistent with those from someone who had communed with Jesus for decades. “It’s a wonder he lived as long as he did given his clear dependency on letting God into his heart. By the end, he was probably getting the Blessed Sacrament once or twice every day just to function. There are also some signs he was mixing in other sacraments—penance, the anointing of the sick, or whatever he needed to hit that spiritual high he got off his first communion wafer.” The coroner added that he wouldn’t let anyone he loved get behind the wheel of the popemobile with the late pontiff’s level of blessedness.

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Timeline Of Pope Francis’ Life

The Onion Staff — Thu, 24 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy.

1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants Regina María Sívori and God.

1953: First ponders priesthood after whiffing on seven different prom invites.

1969: Ordained as a priest despite failing the parallel parking portion of the exam.

1983: Briefly considered throwing it all away for a woman named Rosa who told him she liked his shirt.

1990–1998: Legendary run with the Chicago Bulls.

2013: Named “Pope of the Year” by Time magazine.

2014: Modernizes Catholic Church by allowing jean robes on casual Fridays.

2015: Discovers he can hide extra dessert under his hat without anybody noticing.

2024: Concerns for his health grow as Pope Francis is increasingly seen standing in an open grave.

2025: Dies without telling anyone the password for the Vatican’s Hulu account.

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Pope Francis Dead At 88

The Onion Staff — Tue, 22 Apr 2025 18:57:01 +0000

Pope Francis, the Catholic Church’s first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor, has died at the age of 88. What do you think?

“Presbyterians, now’s our chance to strike!”
Robyn Phillips, Wiring Inspector

“I’m sad, but I’m not ‘Pius XI’ sad.”
Edgar Herrera, Horn Tuner

“Gravy train’s over, global poor!”
Nathan Dinkins, Backup Veterinarian

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Pope Francis’ Children Ask For Privacy Following Father’s Death

The Onion Staff — Tue, 22 Apr 2025 18:12:29 +0000

VATICAN CITY—Saying this should be a time for the siblings to connect with one another and grieve, the late Pope Francis’ children issued a statement Tuesday asking for privacy following their father’s death. “While we are sincerely touched by the outpouring of condolences from across the world, we request that you respect our family’s need for space so we can navigate the loss of our beloved father,” said Ignacio Vásquez of Argentina, one of Francis’ 16 known children, who were born on six continents to at least seven different mothers. “I’ll never forget Christmases with my father, watching on TV from Buenos Aires while he celebrated mass at St. Peter’s in Rome. We didn’t get to see him much, but when we did, he was never too tired to chase us through the Sistine Chapel or play hide and seek in the Vatican Catacombs. To 1.4 billion Catholics he may have been the vicar of Christ on earth, but to us he was simply Dad.” At press time, Pope Francis’ children were reportedly behind closed doors arguing about who would inherit the Vatican.

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Cardinal Who Spent Easter Dinner Telling Pope To Ease Off The Butter Feeling Pretty Vindicated

The Onion Staff — Mon, 21 Apr 2025 18:30:37 +0000

VATICAN CITY—Saying he couldn’t help but think “I told you so” in the wake of the bishop of Rome’s death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner telling Pope Francis to ease off the butter. “Yesterday I kept telling him, ‘Your Holiness, I can hardly see your mashed potatoes underneath all that butter you’re putting on them,’ but he refused to listen and look where it got him,” said Betori, explaining that he’d repeatedly warned the supreme pontiff that he needed to watch his saturated fat intake because he wasn’t 65 anymore. “I don’t like being right, but I did explicitly tell him that peas stop being healthy when you insist on eating a pat of butter with every spoonful. He probably went through half a stick on the dinner rolls alone. The salted kind, too. It made me gag. He kept saying he needed all that butter to give his body energy to recover from his pneumonia, but we can all see who was right in the end. The way he was wolfing down the stuff, it almost seemed like he wanted to go.” Betori added that Francis really should have known better, having watched Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI die in 2022 after housing four buckets of heavily buttered popcorn.

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