War Archives - The Onion

Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 16:10:27 +0000

ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to explain why he urinated inside a Pentagon break room refrigerator. “In the heat of the moment, you’ve got to make a decision, and sometimes that decision is imperfect,” said Hegseth, arguing that under the intense pressure of warfare it can be nearly impossible to distinguish between a porcelain urinal and a white refrigerator. “Civilians can never understand what it’s like to be in the thick of it. On the ground, you don’t have time to dilly-dally. You just unzip and go. When you’re back home, it’s easy to have all these high-minded ideals about the ‘rules’ of combat, but the truth is, when you find yourself totally blasted and face-to-face with a brightly lit shelf of individually wrapped string cheeses, you don’t have the luxury of calculating whether there’s time to run to the bathroom or even open a window. Throw around terms like ‘war criminal’ or ‘coworker’s insulin-ruiner’ all you want, but I acted with significant restraint by urinating in the vegetable crisper when, by all accounts, I would have been totally justified in fully dousing every inch of the fridge in my piss.” Asked for comment, President Donald Trump defended Hegseth’s actions and appeared to imply that the Pentagon custodian who filed the initial complaint should be investigated for treason.

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Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela.

PRO

“Caracas” fun to say

Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine

Would be nice to invade somewhere warm for the holidays

Something to tide us over until war with China

CON

Kind of an inconvenient time

May have to come up with a reason for doing so

Don’t know how to roll our R’s

Kathryn Bigelow already won two Oscars

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Trump Gives Russia 10-Day Deadline To End Ukraine

The Onion Staff — Mon, 28 Jul 2025 18:15:56 +0000

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Shortening the 50-day deadline he had previously given Vladimir Putin to put a stop to the war-torn country, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday he was now giving the Russian leader just “10 or 12 days” to end Ukraine once and for all. “I’m disappointed in President Putin, who has failed to halt this horrible country, letting it drag on and on,” said Trump, announcing that he would impose steep secondary tariffs on Russia should the civilian population of Ukraine still exist in any capacity in two weeks. “We cannot let this conflict continue any longer, so I’m giving Russia a hard but, frankly, generous deadline to discontinue all human life in Ukraine and leave behind a peaceful, completely uninhabited salt flat. This is the last time I’m going to say it: Putin, finish the job.” Trump also urged Putin to meet with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky in person and shoot him in the back of the head.

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