Claim: The cost of living is low.

True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a few months.

Claim: Trump has brought prices down.

False: We’re pretty sure he means the value of the U.S. dollar.

Claim: Trumponomics is the solution to runaway inflation.

False: Trumponomics is a 1996 CD-ROM game published by Maxis.

Claim: Affordability is a hoax perpetrated by Democrats.

False: Democrats would never run on a salient issue.

Claim: The price of Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal has never been lower.

False: Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal only cost a nickel in 1901.

Claim: It costs less to feed a family now than this time last year.

True: Remember, one of your kids died of measles.

Claim: The Trump economy has ushered in unprecedented prosperity for everyday Americans.

True: The White House’s economic agenda has been a boon for mom-and-pop hedge funds.

Claim: At Taco Bell, you can add sour cream to the regular bean burrito and it tastes basically the same as the Burrito Supreme.

True: It’s missing some other premium ingredients, but all you’re tasting is the cream anyway.

The post Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability appeared first on The Onion.

PRO

“Caracas” fun to say

Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine

Would be nice to invade somewhere warm for the holidays

Something to tide us over until war with China

CON

Kind of an inconvenient time

May have to come up with a reason for doing so

Don’t know how to roll our R’s

Kathryn Bigelow already won two Oscars

The post Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela appeared first on The Onion.

Q: What is the plot?

A: Two men have a steamy sexual affair despite not being vampires or elf nobility or anything.

Q: Where does it take place?

A: An alternate universe where hockey players meticulously wax their body hair.

Q: Are the actors actually playing hockey?

A: Yes. It’s illegal in Canada to impersonate a hockey player.

Q: Who is the target audience?

A: The horniest woman in Saskatchewan.

Q: Is there a lot of sex?

A: All of the sex is implied off-screen through shots of popping Champagne bottles and trains entering tunnels.

Q: Is the show better than the book?

A: Yes, it has far fewer words to read.

The post What To Know About ‘Heated Rivalry’ appeared first on The Onion.

Genre: Música

Musical Influences: Traditional Spanish TikToks

Who She’s Beefing With: B-flat

Frequent Collaborator: King Ferdinand V

Controversies: Making Spanish-language music, despite being from Spain

Often Mistaken For: Woody Guthrie

pH Level: 9

The post Artist Profile: Rosalía appeared first on The Onion.

Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers.

Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation.

By whisking a couple of eggs into your leftovers, you can make them grosser.

Apply gravy to hinges, window frames, and moving machine parts.

Leftover pie can easily be repurposed as pie.

Once those biscuits get hard, they’ll be ripe for chuckin’.

Casserole waste can be safely recycled at your local Best Buy.

Completely ignore a food pantry’s donation guidelines and leave your leftovers there.

Remember, raccoon Thanksgiving is Monday.

The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.

60,000

Redeemed airline miles wasted on round-trip flight to Ohio

2

Oven-roasted whole turkeys each passenger allowed to carry on

4 a.m.

Time aunt is serving dinner this year so nobody hits traffic

3.375

Terabytes of data used by mothers reminding their adult sons to pack a nice sweater

158 lbs

Minimum amount of turkey needed in vehicle to justify using the carpool lane

C19

Your newly assigned gate on the opposite side of the fucking airport

3 BPM

Heart rate of grandpa in the backseat

100:1

Odds the meal isn’t worth this shit

The post Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

Birthplace: Kenya

Religion: Islamophobia

Experience: Six years of commenting “Pedophiles!” under Facebook posts

Political Ideology: Christian swinger nationalism

Favorite Condiment: Beef jerky   

Nickname For Son, Boyfriend, And Dog: Buster

Campaign Slogan: “I will end your miserable life.”

Name In Trump’s Phone: Blonde 4/10

Likeliest Post-Congress Job: Dancing With The Stars contestant or president of the United States

The post Political Profile: Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared first on The Onion.

40,000

Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign

0

Applicants deemed unqualified for guard job

32

Times Stephen Miller has typed the name of the facility into Pornhub

7

Average age of detainee

100,000 V

Voltage of facility’s electric toilets

23

Times bloodthirsty ICE agents cheered an alligator on only to realize it was just a log

3

Average outfit changes per Kristi Noem photo op

40%

Reduction in activity of empathy-controlling orbitofrontal cortex necessary to stomach job as guard

2028

The year Democrats will claim they can’t shut it down

The post Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

Q: What’s the premise?

A: An extraterrestrial virus causes everyone except those who were robbed at the Emmys to join a hive mind.

Q: How is Pluribus connected to the Breaking Bad universe?

A: Vince Gilligan has confirmed the series takes place entirely within Jesse Pinkman’s mind. 

Q: What does “pluribus” mean?

A: It is French for “plums.”

Q: Is it true it has an anti-AI message?

A: Yes, the story is a veiled metaphor exploring the dangers of Nvidia’s market cap exceeding Apple’s.

Q: So, wait, did Walt really, actually, definitely die at the end of Breaking Bad?

A: Again, just to be clear, Pluribus is a different show.

Q: Where can I watch it?

A: At the home of any friend who didn’t realize their Apple TV subscription auto-renewed. 

Q: Will Breaking Bad fans like it?

A: Considering that the main character is a woman, no.

The post What To Know About ‘Pluribus’ appeared first on The Onion.

Enter an economic recession.

Procure at least one can.

Slowly introduce bacteria to other parts of your diet first.

Start calling everyone Maw and Paw.

Ask the kids what they want to eat for 20 years of nuclear winter.

Grow several bushels of blueberries on your apartment balcony.

Decide whether you want to die from botulism or shigella.

Make sure to purée the meat lover’s pizza before canning.

Consider less boring ways to risk your life.

If you end up with extra jars, can those too.

The post Tips For Canning Food At Home appeared first on The Onion.

1940

Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm.

1961

Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural ball after begging dad to spring for VIP meet-and-greet passes. 

1994–1997

The Lost Years.

1999

First and last time an intern gets her lunch order wrong.

2007

Remains seated during State of Union speech while George W. Bush nearly chokes to death on pretzel.

2010

Rallies House Democrats to pass legislation that controversially benefits Americans.

2019

Purposefully gives Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wrong directions to congressional hearing room.

Jan. 5, 2021

Goes to work in a shit-free office.

2023

BLM tattoo removed. 

2027

Suddenly bad at stock trading.

The post Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi’s Career appeared first on The Onion.

3:

Chandeliers in the situation room

$500 million:

Funding from wealthy donors who expect nothing in return

18%:

Percentage of White House doors that will open to nothing but solid wall

12:

Seats for dignitaries in the T-Mobile Club Magenta VIP area

76° Fahrenheit:

Water temperature of sub-dance floor piranha tank

6,000:

Projected instances of sexual harassment in ballroom’s first year

The post Trump’s White House Renovations By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.