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American Voices

Trump Administration Attempts To Link Autism To Tylenol

The Trump administration claimed that taking acetaminophen during pregnancy might increase autism risk, advising against the common over-the-counter drug despite its use by a majority…
Politics

‘You Think You Can Talk About Our Dad That Way?’ Scream Trump Boys, Beating TV With Bat

WASHINGTON—Cracking their knuckles and demanding they receive a “papology [sic], or else,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, “You think you can talk about…
Politics

Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel

WASHINGTON—Flipping through all of the options for the sixth time in a row as the clock approached 1 a.m., a bored President Donald Trump reportedly…
News

Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV

WASHINGTON—Thanking the government for defending the public from the terrifying screen in their homes, the American people confirmed Thursday that they were grateful to Republicans…
Politics

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

LONDON—Claiming that he recognized the member of the royal family, but his memory was hazy, President Donald Trump has spent his entire trip to the…
Politics

Trump Renames White House Fridge Department Of Ham

WASHINGTON—Fulfilling his pledge to realign the mission of the White House kitchen with the vision of the Founding Fathers, President Donald Trump signed an executive…

Politics

Trump: ‘Political Violence Has No Place In My Inner Circle’
News

Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago

Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the…
Politics

Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters

WASHINGTON—Stressing that it was unrealistic to think he would recollect one such letter out of the vast number he has written in his lifetime, President…
Politics

Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet

WASHINGTON—Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump boys reportedly begged their father Tuesday to…
American Voices

U.S. Military Strikes Boat Allegedly Carrying Cartel Members

The U.S. military struck and killed 11 people aboard a Venezuelan vessel that President Trump alleged were smuggling narcotics, with critics questioning the legality and…
Politics

Trump Aides Unsure Why Spalding Making Such Generous PAC Donations

WASHINGTON—Grateful but confused by the unexpected windfall of financial support, top aides to President Donald Trump were reportedly confused Wednesday after his super PAC received…

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