Donald Trump Archives - The Onion

Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:15:02 +0000

President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims.

Claim: The cost of living is low.

True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a few months.

Claim: Trump has brought prices down.

False: We’re pretty sure he means the value of the U.S. dollar.

Claim: Trumponomics is the solution to runaway inflation.

False: Trumponomics is a 1996 CD-ROM game published by Maxis.

Claim: Affordability is a hoax perpetrated by Democrats.

False: Democrats would never run on a salient issue.

Claim: The price of Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal has never been lower.

False: Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal only cost a nickel in 1901.

Claim: It costs less to feed a family now than this time last year.

True: Remember, one of your kids died of measles.

Claim: The Trump economy has ushered in unprecedented prosperity for everyday Americans.

True: The White House’s economic agenda has been a boon for mom-and-pop hedge funds.

Claim: At Taco Bell, you can add sour cream to the regular bean burrito and it tastes basically the same as the Burrito Supreme.

True: It’s missing some other premium ingredients, but all you’re tasting is the cream anyway.

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Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion examines the pros and cons of entering a war against Venezuela.

PRO

“Caracas” fun to say

Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine

Would be nice to invade somewhere warm for the holidays

Something to tide us over until war with China

CON

Kind of an inconvenient time

May have to come up with a reason for doing so

Don’t know how to roll our R’s

Kathryn Bigelow already won two Oscars

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Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 21:59:56 +0000

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Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase in all numbers nationwide. “Effective immediately, 100 will now be 5,100 and—I’m reading off the official statistics from my people—500 will be 25,500,” said Trump, speaking from the Oval Office as he told reporters the move would shift decimals “many places” to the right for wages, stock prices, job numbers, gross domestic product, and other vital economic indicators. “Say your net worth is about $20,000. In that case, you’re now a millionaire. And we don’t have to worry about fertility anymore, because this country now has about 17 billion people. These are really tremendous increases that should have gone into effect years ago.” Trump added that if the executive order was as successful as he expected it to be, he might soon shift to increasing some letters.

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White House Touts Affordability Of Hay-Based Thanksgiving Dishes

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Responding to concerns about high grocery prices ahead of the holiday, President Donald Trump held a press conference Wednesday to tout the affordability of hay-based Thanksgiving dishes. “I’m doing a great job on the economy and bringing the price of Thanksgiving dinners way down by encouraging Americans to replace costly ingredients with straw,” said Trump, adding that the low-cost, grass-based livestock feed could be shaped into the form of a roasted bird or baked into casseroles and pies. “Thanksgiving meal prices are down 33% compared to what they were under Biden, and now you can stay full by chewing on the hay for hours and hours. Americans consuming dried grass out of necessity is just another sign that the United States has the strongest economy in the history of the world—horses eat this stuff, and look how strong those guys are. I promised to lower cud prices for Americans, and by God have I delivered. Bet you can’t eat just one bail!” Trump then asked Vice President JD Vance to show Americans that hay was delicious by eating some off the floor for the camera.

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Trump Claims Democrats’ Video To Military ‘Seditious Behavior, Punishable By Death’

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

President Trump accused Democratic lawmakers of “seditious behavior” after they released a video urging U.S. service members to refuse unlawful orders, claiming that it could be “punishable by death.” What do you think?

“At least he’s finally following through with one of his campaign promises.”
Tamika Hendricks, Circus Administrator

“Fine, as long as they give us the day off for the public executions.”
Giovanni Ezzo, Hook Bender

“I knew obeying the law was against the law.”
Edgar Fullam, Regional Orator

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JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 16:06:12 +0000

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a controversial incident aboard Air Force One in which President Donald Trump insulted a female journalist, Vice President JD Vance is said to have wept in his office bathroom, furious that the commander-in-chief had used his special “piggy” nickname on someone else. “But I’m supposed to be his piggy—I’m supposed to be his only piggy,” a weeping Vance said this week as he collapsed against the locked bathroom door and slid down onto the tile. “Somebody’s in here! Just give me a second! God, it’s not fair. She didn’t even do the oinks. It was hard enough to have to hold it together after he called Marjorie Taylor Greene a ‘ranting lunatic’ last week, but this—this is a bridge too far. Who does that bitch reporter think she is? I’m his piggy. Me! You just need to pull yourself together, JD, and show him you’re still his best little piggy.” At press time, Vance had reportedly locked himself in his bedroom and refused to come out after hearing Trump refer to someone else as a “fat slob.”

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Gifted Khashoggi Head Mounted In Oval Office

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Nov 2025 19:29:54 +0000

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RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’

The Onion Staff — Tue, 18 Nov 2025 18:52:37 +0000

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Trump To Vance: ‘I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s’

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 18:58:59 +0000

WASHINGTON—Taking the vice president aside to discuss the administration’s response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trump’s face in the 1990s. “Here’s the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, you made a hyperrealistic silicone mask of my face and wore it to a bunch of sex parties hosted by the New York elite, it would really help me out,” said Trump, who put his arm around Vance’s shoulders and promised that doing this one small favor for him now would pay off “big time” in the future. “Look, I’m going to need you to just do this for me, all right? It’s simple, JD. If anyone asks, just casually drop that from the early ’90s until, honestly, let’s just say, to be safe, 2019, you walked around in a perfect replica of my likeness. But this part is important. You gotta make sure to stress that all of the real estate deals and TV appearances I did were the real me. It’s only all the times I was caught hanging out with Jeffrey Epstein that were actually you wearing a mask of my face. Got it? Fantastic. I totally owe you one, buddy.” White House sources later confirmed plans to release a statement claiming the vice president composed all of Trump’s written correspondence to Jeffrey Epstein using a bionic glove to perfectly mimic the president’s handwriting.

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Record Number Of Women Want To Leave U.S.

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 15:46:14 +0000

A record 40% of American women aged 15–44 say they would like to move abroad permanently, more than twice the share of men, due to a lack of faith in national institutions stemming from Donald Trump’s presidency and the overturning of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?

“I hear abroad is nice this time of year.”
Carrie Sharpe, Systems Analyst

“Fine. More discrimination for me.”
Gerard Osgood, Retired Jogger

“They’ll come running back when they see how much we’re spending on AI.”
Scott Bleakley, Fleece Softener

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Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. “For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom,” said Trump, who criticized what he called the “violent extremism” of films in which enslaved people break free from their shackles, claiming such stories were “racist” against slave owners. “We want our slaves whistling, and we want them doing hard work with a spring in their step. No more with the America-hating uprisings, the emancipations. And we will be doing tax breaks for the good films—especially ones where a slave learns about love from their white master.” At press time, the president was reportedly in talks with members of Congress to provide federal subsidies for movies in which an escaped slave comes back.

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