Healthcare Archives - The Onion

Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:03:08 +0000

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Trump administration’s decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas, clinics closures across rural America this week have reportedly forced many residents to rely on a horse who stomps twice when a patient has cancer. “Without access to board-certified oncologists in their area, millions of Americans have no choice but to head to the fairgrounds to visit ‘Old Hickory, the Astounding Medical Equine,’ who, for just 50 cents, can diagnose a man, woman, or child with leukemia faster than any big-city doctor,” said National Rural Health Association spokesperson Rachel McKidd, noting that after the horse gives a patient a whiff, he will clomp his hoof once for a clean bill of health, twice if he detects cancer in early stages, and thrice if he determines the condition is inoperable. “These healthcare deserts leave countless Americans faced with the impossible choice of whether or not to skip work and wait in line all day for the chance to step right up and see the ‘Prognosticatin’ Pony’ when the county fair comes to town. In fact, in many areas of the country, Old Hickory has become the sole provider of preventive care, diagnostic testing, and rides. While Old Hickory may be highly effective at his job, he is clearly overworked and simply does not have the capacity to whinny every time he smells diabetes on the 40 million rural Americans who lack proper access to primary care providers.” At press time, sources confirmed Old Hickory had been placed on indefinite leave from medical duties after kicking a patient who had spooked him.

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FDA Approves New Drug That Reverses Effects Of Narcan

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new nasal spray Wednesday capable of reversing the effects of Narcan.

The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a surge in Narcan usage by vulnerable individuals who would have otherwise died. According to the manufacturer, the powerful opioid anti-antagonist is extremely fast-acting, and can re-depress the central nervous system and restore an overdose in just two to three minutes.

“Narcan use in this country is a major public health concern for Americans, who are often left watching helplessly as friends and loved ones succumb to the resuscitating effects of emergency care,” said FDA Commissioner Martin A. Makary, who called the drug an essential intervention in the global fight against harm reduction. “Once sprayed into the nostril, noroxone works quickly to free up opioid receptors in the brain, allowing compounds like heroin, fentanyl, oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine, and morphine to reattach and fatally interrupt respiration.”

Noroxone, soon to be available both over-the-counter and as a prescription, was developed in response to what is widely known as the “Narcan crisis,” a nationwide epidemic that began in 2016 and has tragically saved hundreds of thousands of lives each year. Health officials praised the FDA’s emergency authorization, which marks the first time an overdose reversal-reversal spray has been deemed effective and lethal enough to warrant widespread distribution.

Advocates who work in the healthcare field and have seen the new drug’s high mortality rates firsthand have said the emergency medicine inhibitor should be a standard item included in first-aid kits, as readily available as defibrillators and fire extinguishers in public spaces like hotels, libraries, and schools.

“Everyone should keep noroxone on hand in case they encounter someone at risk of being saved from a drug overdose or getting the help they need,” said Aaron Lorenz, a Narcan prevention specialist in New Hampshire who teaches community members how to confidently intervene when a drug user appears to be regaining consciousness. “Even if a person is sitting up straight, totally responsive to stimuli like shaking and shouting, or even breathing normally—it’s not too late.”

Added Lorenz, “With noroxone, anyone can end a life.”

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Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients’ bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was practicing fat shaming on a cadaver. “At first it felt strange, but the opportunity to practice saying, ‘Have you tried losing a few pounds?’ in the flesh is so different than just shaking your head at a picture in a textbook,” said the first-year student, adding that she felt humbled by the generosity of the deceased individual who donated their body so she could roll her eyes a few times and poke their stomach folds with an audible “oof.” “After so many hours sitting in lectures, it was nice to finally put on my scrubs and reduce a patients’ value as a human being by criticizing their weight. It almost feels like I’m right there in an actual medical practice, dismissing a fat patient’s every concern while suppressing my laughter.” Loera reportedly received a perfect score on her examination after informing a cadaver with cancer symptoms that there was nothing she could do for them if they weren’t willing to help themselves.

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White House Reclassifies Nursing As Hobby

The Onion Staff — Mon, 24 Nov 2025 20:05:16 +0000

WASHINGTON—Describing the practice as a “fun little side project” rather than an occupation, Education Secretary Linda McMahon announced Monday that nursing would be reclassified as a hobby under new student loan regulations. “While those seeking degrees in veterinary medicine, law, and podiatry will still have access to the full financing available to future professionals, our department will henceforth limit loans for those Americans simply blowing off a little steam by attending nursing school in between shifts at Buffalo Wild Wings,” said McMahon, who questioned the federal government’s role in loaning out money so students could purchase masks, gloves, and stethoscopes for their “fun little nurse costumes.” “There’s a lot of cutting and sewing in nursing, so it’s really an activity that falls under arts and crafts. Some moms choose to knit, others choose to nurse. Plus, rushing between ER patients is a great way to stay active, just like riding your bike. And what’s also great is you get to brush shoulders with doctors, who can give you career advice should you choose to pursue a real job in the medical world some day.” McMahon concluded her statement by announcing the loan cap for theology degrees had been increased to $800,000.

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New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 22:17:10 +0000

The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as diabetes or obesity if they may pose a financial burden on public resources. What do you think?

“The stuff they’re calling diabetes over there just isn’t up to our standards.”
Jake Mather, Sandwich Assembler

“But they shouldn’t be too healthy either.”
Shane Asplund, Unemployed

“Aw c’mon, there’s plenty of medical debt for everyone.”
Barbie Mostowy, Agricultural Informant

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Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program’s new work requirements, which go into effect after next year’s midterm elections.

MYTH: Most people on Medicaid already work.

FACT: Whatever.

MYTH: An 80-hour-per-month work requirement is a lot.

FACT: Eighty hours of work on Earth is actually only 35 hours of work on Saturn.

MYTH: Disabled veterans are exempt.

FACT: Attempting to navigate the VA system counts as a full-time job.

MYTH: The burden of reporting work hours will cause mass confusion and delays in coverage.

FACT: Diabetics are well-versed at rationing out their insulin at this point.

MYTH: “Able-bodied” is a vague term that ignores the complexities of many illnesses.

FACT: “Able-bodied” is a massive improvement from the term they wanted to use.

MYTH: The free market will correct for reduced Medicaid spending.

FACT: The Grim Reaper will correct for reduced Medicaid spending.

MYTH: Work requirements are confusing to navigate and hard to verify.

FACT: Your family lawyer should be able to take care of it without much fuss.

MYTH: Millions of people will lose benefits.

FACT: That’s only Phase One.

MYTH: Pregnant women are exempt out of a special concern for their well-being.

FACT: After birth, the vessel may be discarded.

MYTH: This will hurt countless innocent people.

FACT: It’s broad enough it will probably get a couple real bastards, too.

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Woman Mistakenly Receives Box Of Human Hands, Fingers

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 19:21:20 +0000

A Kentucky woman who was expecting a delivery of medicine instead mistakenly received a box containing severed human hands and fingers that were meant for surgical training use. What do you think?

“Looks like someone has a secret admirer.”
Adam Colosimo, Celebration Organizer

“Cancel that subscription or they’ll keep sending you more.”
Mustafa Fadel, Rope Puller

“When did fingers stop being medicine?”
Teagan Doty, Football Lacer

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CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles

The Onion Staff — Tue, 04 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

ATLANTA—As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stated Monday that at this point, it would probably make more sense to start tracking people without the disease.

Citing recent data that showed U.S. vaccination rates had dropped below the level needed to stop community spread of measles, top CDC scientists confirmed the overwhelming number of outbreaks across the country was making it really hard to keep tabs on everyone who had the disease. As a result, they concluded, it would be “a whole lot easier” to just tally the nation’s uninfected individuals instead.

“This is really gonna streamline our process,” CDC spokesperson Ada Fischer said of the new strategy, observing that measles was one of the world’s most contagious infections and, without prevention, spread unchecked through a population. “From now on, instead of asking people to report any symptoms of fever, rash, or lesions in the mouth, we’re asking them to contact us when they don’t have any of those things. It’ll make everything much simpler.”

“If you really want us to, we can keep going into these day cares and schools and hospitals and try to count all the people who have measles,” she continued. “But to be honest, it’s beginning to feel like a huge waste of time.”

The CDC said that while it had worked hard over the years to promote measles-mumps-rubella vaccinations, its efforts clearly weren’t succeeding, so there was no real reason to continue expending resources in hotspots like Texas, New Mexico, Kansas, or Ohio. Officials tracking the outbreaks determined it was so bad in West Texas they might as well just say everyone there had measles and call it a day.

Last month, however, a CDC doctor visited Seagraves, TX, and had a chance encounter with a 53-year-old man who appeared not to have measles at all. After testing confirmed this, researchers realized they could save tons of time if they simply tracked people like him for a change, rather than counting the area’s hundreds of infected residents.

According to Steve Witkofsky, a veteran epidemiologist who has spent his career at the CDC, his biggest regret was not thinking of this approach sooner.

“Look, I’m done tracking all these people with measles and writing stupid reports about it,” Witkofsky told reporters, noting that the disease was declared eliminated from the United States in 2000 only to come back with a vengeance when Americans began to take the lack of cases for granted. “At this point, it’s kind of like, ‘Fuck you,’ you know? If you won’t take a safe, affordable, widely available precaution to prevent your family members from possibly dying of pulmonary failure or encephalitis, then you’re the asshole, not me. Someone else can deal with this shit now. I’m done.”

He added, “It’s not like this administration is gonna leave the CDC with enough money to help anybody anyway.”

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Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

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White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President

The Onion Staff — Thu, 09 Oct 2025 15:11:28 +0000

WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb speculation regarding the physical health of the commander-in-chief, Capt. Sean Barbabella, physician to the president and director of the White House Medical Unit, confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump has “far more bones” than any U.S. president on record. “Every time we examine the president’s body, we find more and more bones,” said Barbabella, assuring reporters that Trump remains strong due to the dozens of bones making up each of his arms, the 70-odd bones in his rib cage alone, and the hundreds of vertebrae composing his multiple, branching spines. “Without counting the partially developed bones in his stomach, the president’s skeleton contains easily the most bones we have ever observed in any individual holding elected office. The number of bones Donald Trump possesses is, in my medical opinion, easily north of a thousand. That is nearly six times as many bones as Joe Biden, who, in comparison, has a paltry number of very small bones. And not only are they plentiful, but the president’s bones are so abnormally dense and resilient that we expect them to endure long after the rest of us are gone, quite possibly becoming the last surviving record of human life on Earth.” In response to a question regarding rumors about the president’s declining cognitive health, Barbabella emphasized that Trump possesses several brains stacked neatly inside his skull.

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Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 18:39:00 +0000

STOCKHOLM—In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. “What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person has eaten dozens of jalapeño poppers,” said Olle Kämpe, chair of the Nobel Prize Committee for Physiology or Medicine, adding that the panel was particularly impressed by the scientific rigor behind Tums’ catchy jingle and its pioneering development of colorful little miracle tablets. “How often have we been unduly punished by our own bodies for having one too many chili dogs? How many generations have accepted that bloating is the inevitable price of enjoying a greasy bacon double cheeseburger? Tums allows our children to grow up in a world where they can house two dozen Buffalo wings without the consequence of an upset stomach.” At press time, Tums had also been awarded the James Beard Award for Excellence in Tropical Flavoring.

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Trump Announces TrumpRx Website For Prescription Drugs

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 14:05:02 +0000

Through a new government-run website called TrumpRx, drug manufacturers will sell prescription medicines directly to consumers at lower-than-retail prices, but insurance will not be accepted. What do you think?

“Thanks, but the pills I buy at the gas station are already pretty cheap.”
Tanner Mills, Historical Preserver

“Finally, someone’s found a way to profit off the American healthcare system.”
Clyde Sexton, Cape Cleaner

“I worry Trump will think less of me once he learns what medications I’m on.”
Emelia Persong, Film Consultant

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