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Healthcare

Local

Man Given 6 Months To Live Beats Odds By Dying In 2

MINNETONKA, MN—In a medical miracle being hailed as a testament to the tenacity of the human spirit, area 53-year-old David Spotherton, who this summer was…
News

Texas Blocks Law That Would Ban Gun Stores From Operating Inside Psych Wards

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the party-line vote as a major victory for the Second Amendment, the Texas House of Representatives successfully blocked a bill last week that would have prevented…
Local

Poor 3rd Grader Bullied For Using Generic EpiPen

ROANOKE, VA—As he struggled to discreetly administer the life-saving anaphylaxis treatment following a bee sting, local poor third grader Mason Prewitt was reportedly bullied this…
Politics

RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid

WASHINGTON—Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing…
Politics

RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer

WASHINGTON—Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday that encourage Americans to eat…
News

New Death With Indignity Law Lets Terminally Ill Be Crushed By Falling Vending Machines

BOISE, ID—In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one’s life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed…

Local

Doctor With Positive Attitude Learns Something New From Every Malpractice Suit

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Maintaining that mistakes were simply life lessons in disguise, upbeat general surgeon Ezra Weber told reporters Friday that he views every malpractice suit as…
News

Pros And Cons Of Defunding Medicaid

GOP lawmakers in the House and Senate officially passed Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill,” including provisions that slashed funding for public health care programs by more…
News

RFK Jr.: Vaccines No More Effective Than Drinking Horseshoe Crab Blood Straight

WASHINGTON—Citing extensive research he had conducted on the matter, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday claiming that vaccines…
News

Texas Doctor Tapes Pregnancy Pamphlet To Comatose Woman’s Forehead
Local

Woman Giving Birth Assured Everything Looks Gross Down There

BURLINGTON, VT—Receiving encouragement from her ob-gyn as she struggled amid the throes of childbirth, area woman Jill Henderson was assured while giving birth Tuesday that…
Politics

Trump Issues Executive Order Reversing All Vasectomies

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters that the move would do much to combat low U.S. fertility rates, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday reversing vasectomies nationwide. “We’re…

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