“I got into podcasting because I’m an idiot, not for accolades.”

Lou Farmer, Embroidery Enthusiast

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“Now there’s a new way for podcasters to be losers.”

Aaron Barsanti, Hubcap Shiner

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“If I wanted to hear friends banter for 45 minutes, I would just make friends.”

Philippa Thorpe, Composting Advocate

The post Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category appeared first on The Onion.

I know, I know, I am a freaking moron.

Man, this sucks. I really thought it was just a straight shot from My seat at the right hand of the Father down to His earthly kingdom, but obviously I was mistaken. Which is extra humiliating considering I’m supposed to be all-seeing and all-knowing, and everything. Apparently not! Apparently, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords is a total bonehead with zero sense of direction. So, yeah, if you could come grab Me, I’d super appreciate it.

Maybe I took a wrong turn at Cloud 18 or something? I don’t know, they all kinda look the same: huge, majestic, riddled with angels playing their stupid harps at all hours of the day. And it’s true I haven’t been back in almost 2,000 years…but come on. How could I be so stupid?

At first I looked around at all the red soil and sunbaked cliffs, assumed I was in Arizona, and was like, “Okay, looks like the Rapture is starting in Phoenix!” Then I started feeling really short of breath and realized there was basically no atmosphere at all. Like, none. And I thought, hmm, that’s odd, I’ve never been to the American Southwest, but I’m pretty sure there should at least be some oxygen. It wasn’t until I turned around to get My bearings and saw two huge-ass moons floating in the sky that I realized, shit, You are on the completely wrong planet.

Fuck My life.

I’m supposed to be riding in on the back of a great white stallion, wearing a robe dipped in blood, and tossing sinners into a lake of fire, but instead I’m sitting here in some gigantic crater freezing My ass off with no fish to multiply, no water to turn into wine, and no sign of public transportation at all. Okay, I’m looking at Google Maps, and it says it’s gonna take a whole millennium to get back. Great. All I brought are these stupid sandals. This is gonna be murder on My plantar fasciitis.

Hello? Can anyone hear Me? Nope. Not even a freaking echo. This is creepy as hell.

Guys. I’m serious. Come pick Me up. I get that it’s out of the way, but I’ll owe you big time. I’m over by the big mountain that’s in the shape of a face. You know that one? I’m right past that in a little ravine. Just look for the long-haired dumbshit in a bright white robe waving His hands around like an asshole.

Just hurry. And please don’t tell My Dad or He will fucking kill Me. Again.

The post Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars appeared first on The Onion.

“Maybe his body produced it naturally.”

Summer Aronson, Unemployed

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“I thought anything you could swallow was free.”

Ken Bickel, Photograph Blurrer

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“Shake him around and see what else falls out.”

Alan Osorio, Tea Pourer

The post Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being Swallowed By Thief appeared first on The Onion.

“What if Israel is planning to sing an apology song?”

Rhiannon Salkin, Systems Analyst

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“Big deal, I’ve been accidentally boycotting Eurovision my whole life.”

Vikram Joshi, Cupcake Froster

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“I can’t in good conscience watch Eurovision regardless of who’s performing.”

Abe Ellsworth, Sandwich Modifier

The post Multiple Countries Boycott Eurovision Over Israel’s Participation appeared first on The Onion.

“Let’s see movie critics try and leave a bad review now.”

Trevor Hopkins, Credibility Appraiser

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“Do we want a ‘Space Jam 3’ or not?”

Miles Kempfer, Whistle Tester

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“So now when I burn fossil fuels, I’m supporting the arts.”

Robin Westrick, Solutions Specialist

The post Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi Arabia appeared first on The Onion.

“Man, pedophiles just can’t catch a break.”

Madison Herczeg, Gorilla Groomer

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“I guess I’ll have to start meeting underage kids the old fashioned way.”

Derek Wilgus, Retired Tourist

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“Can Malaysia afford to fall behind in teenage depression?”

Jimbo Loftin, Salt Packager

The post Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16 appeared first on The Onion.

“It’s nice to see real innovation in drowning.”

Joshua Gibson, Salami Slicer

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“Thanks, but my dishwasher already gets me spotless.”

Astrid Thackorie, Junior Referee

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“And fire the servants who sponge my body down?”

Maurice Hissom, Button Replacer

The post Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine appeared first on The Onion.

Yes, I would let my wife and young children starve before I’d defile my resume with exaggerations about my marketing background.

I know what you’re thinking: What’s a little white lie about my experience improving user engagement and SEO going to hurt? If I were faced with the prospect of sending my son and daughter to bed with empty stomachs, then surely there would be no harm in covering a small gap in my employment history by saying I worked at Icon Synergistics from “2021 to 2023” when, more precisely, it was February 2021 to November 2023. The truth is, a lot of harm would be done, and not just to my malnourished household.

You see, it’s when your back is against a wall that you find out what your true convictions are. Suppose I were jobless and could no longer put food on the table. Then, in a moment of weakness, I decided to claim on my resume that I was fluent in HubSpot and Marketo Engage, when in reality, I had familiarity with both but was only truly proficient in HubSpot. Where would it stop? Would I next say I’m the social media strategist at a place I’ve worked for five years, without clarifying that this is only my most recent title and that I actually began there in the junior role of social media assistant? That’s inexcusable.

My family might be able to enjoy three meals a day, but what would become of my self-respect? At the end of the day, I want to feel good about the marketing professional I see staring back at me in the mirror.

Don’t write me off as cold or uncaring. I have a heart. It would be painful to watch as my 5-year-old and 7-year-old were forced to beg for scraps of food on the streets. But when you’re creating a resume, ethics must come first. If the price of putting bread in the mouths of my children is adding a bullet point that overstates my ability to optimize social content, then I say no deal. After embellishing a cover letter to imply that I achieved over 30% conversion in data-driven bundling, how could I look my famished, hollow-cheeked family in their sunken eyes?

Above all, I wouldn’t want to set a bad example for my kids. Surely I’d be doing them no favors if I taught them it was okay to lie to a job recruiter about your B2B client retention rate in order to get a job that provides your loved ones with basic nutritional sustenance. Then they’d grow up to lie on their own resumes, and the web of deceit would continue from generation to generation.

So I would choose to do the right thing, no matter how visible my children’s ribcages might become. And while I hope she would support me in my decision, I would stand firm even if my emaciated wife grabbed my collar and demanded I lie about rolling out strategic acquisition channels and spearheading effective hashtag campaigns. Because falsely listing survey design as a special skill on my resume is a moral failure I could never countenance.

When all is said and done, I know the only special skill I really have is my honor.

The post I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing  Experience On My Resume appeared first on The Onion.

“Make sure they get my uneven nipples.”

Fabrizia Pagano, Unemployed

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“Hopefully this will lead to more women getting involved in actual car crashes as well.”

Norman Hassel, Napkin Collator

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“I strap my wife to the top of the car like a mattress, so we’re all good.”

Henrik Bilger, Walnut Supplier

The post Transportation Department Endorses Crash Test Dummies That Resemble Women appeared first on The Onion.

“Either wear a full Elvis costume or don’t even bother showing up to work.”

Bjorn Geisler, Systems Analyst

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“Little Richard gave me 25 to life.”

David Baroody, Retired Volunteer

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“Yet in England they’re required.”

Katie Priest, Lottery Participant

The post Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court appeared first on The Onion.