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Start ’Em

Calvin Johnson (WR): Johnson has the ability to exploit Tampa Bay’s vulnerability against wide receivers who are much bigger, faster, stronger, and more talented than them

Geno Smith (QB): A viable spot start in deeper 42- or 44-team leagues

Caleb Sturgis (K): Where to begin? The second-year University of Florida product showed that his solid rookie year was no fluke with a strong 15-point game to begin the year. After several single-digit efforts, the St. Augustine, FL native has really hit his stride, achieving double-digit fantasy points in four of the last six weeks. The confident, buoyant 25-year-old, who was the first placekicker selected in the 2013 NFL Draft, has missed just five field goals this year, with a season long of 51 yards. However, Sturgis has so many wonderful qualities that simply don’t come through in his stats. Off the field, he is a kind, gentle, and generous person, always there to lend a hand when he sees someone in need. On it, he is a model professional who constantly pushes those around him to strive to be the best they can be, a characteristic he gained having been raised in a very sports-centric family. Sturgis’ father, Smiley, was a strong tennis player in his youth, and now works as a pastor in St. Augustine. Meanwhile, Sturgis’ older brother, Nathan, enjoyed a successful professional soccer career playing for a number of teams in the MLS. The Miami Dolphins are incredibly lucky to have Caleb in their starting lineup, and you will be too.

Sit ’Em

Joique Bell (RB): Finally a feature back, Bell becomes the latest in a long line of running backs to carry the load for Reggie Bush

Minnesota Vikings (D/ST): Could have trouble on third-and-longs figuring out whether Jets are planning to run the ball up the middle or run the ball outside

Zach Mettenberger (QB): Solid line protection should give him plenty of time to read the signs calling for him to be benched

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After climbing over dusty cases of sacramental wine and bins filled with mothballed vestments, the pope reportedly found the set’s plywood manger in a corner of the room near the sump pump, though sources noted he has yet to locate all the blow-molded polyethylene representations of the Holy Family and their Christmas visitors.

“Oh, come on, where’s the third wise man?” the spiritual leader of 1.2 billion Roman Catholics said as he pushed aside several priceless Raphael and Fra Angelico paintings to peer into a cardboard box, aided by the dim light of a bare bulb hanging overhead. “I could’ve sworn I put him away with everybody else. There’s a ton of donkeys and sheep in here, but a lot of good that does me with only two wise men. Jeez.”

“I don’t have time for this,” he added. “I’ve still got an epistle that needs to be finished.”

Designed for outdoor use, the 14-piece set of internally lit plastic figurines was first purchased by Pope John Paul II in 1981, and every year since, according to Vatican observers, the reigning pontiff has personally assembled the nativity scene outside the Apostolic Palace in Saint Peter’s Square. The display, including the colored lights that outline the manger and wrap around a few of the piazza’s iconic Tuscan colonnades, is reportedly powered by an extension cord running from an outlet in the papal garage.

After testing to confirm that Mary would still light up when plugged in, Francis noted that the winters had taken their toll on the Blessed Virgin, wearing away most of the paint on her face. He also added that he would likely have to display the statue of a kneeling Joseph at an awkward angle, so as to obscure the dent in his head suffered during Benedict XVI’s papacy.

Sources within the Holy See said that Francis has expressed dismay at his predecessor’s lax oversight of the nativity scene, complaining about last Christmas—his first since assuming the Chair of St. Peter—when two long-missing shepherds and an Angel of the Lord were eventually discovered in a tub mislabeled “winter coats.”

“You know what? I don’t think this baby Jesus is even from the same set,” said the pope in audible exasperation, pointing out that the unpainted plastic infant he found beneath a tangled ball of Christmas lights and a bag of old palm ashes had a much more simplistic design than the rest of the figures. “Ugh. I honestly wouldn’t mind if I thought people wouldn’t notice, but he might not even fit inside the manger.”

“He’s nearly the same size as Mary, for God’s sake,” Francis continued.

According to reports, the Holy Father spent 15 minutes this morning on an unsuccessful attempt to assemble the Christ Child’s crib, but after snapping the dowel used to hold its wooden slats together, he is said to have tossed the whole thing aside in frustration.

Exhausted from his search through the basement, the 77-year-old pontiff reportedly grew even more aggravated after banging his knee on a table and knocking over a stack of relics, including several shards from the True Cross and a wrist bone of St. Gregory the Great.

“Well, it looks like we’re going without a Star of Bethlehem this year,” the pope said before emitting an extended sigh. “We’ve got so many goddamn packages of tinsel down here, I guess I’ll just dangle some of that from the roof and call it a day. If Cardinal [Angelo] Sodano complains, he can deal with it himself. I’ve already spent way too much time on this.”

Added the pope, “Right now, I really need to climb to the top of the Basilica dome and get Santa’s sleigh mounted on the roof.”

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