Marriage Archives - The Onion

Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head

The Onion Staff — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber’s severed head. “It could be nothing, but it’s a little odd for her to be out and about with only part of his body, no?” said an unnamed source, who acknowledged that while it was impossible to know from a single image what was really going on in anyone’s personal life, the paparazzi shot certainly seemed to suggest that at least something was amiss between the celebrity couple. “Just look at the way she’s carrying his head in the crook of her elbow. It’s a defensive posture, like she doesn’t want to be seen. If that’s not enough, look at the expression on his face—very unhappy. On the other hand, they are spending time together. And touching.” On social media, fans responded to the photo by asserting that if that was their man, he’d have a head, legs, and a torso.

The post Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head appeared first on The Onion.

Nicole Kidman Tosses ‘The Garfield Movie’ Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NASHVILLE, TN—Adding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed a copy of The Garfield Move soundtrack onto her backyard burn pile Friday. “Keith was so happy the day he came home and told me he was collaborating with Snoop on a song about Garfield’s relaxed lifestyle, but now I’ll never be able to enjoy that opening keyboard lead again without it feeling like a knife in my gut,” said the Academy Award–winning star, who was seen fighting back tears as she tossed a lit match onto the pile and watched Garfield’s sneering orange face crumple into ash. “I thought I’d be happily humming along to ‘Let It Roll’ for the rest of my life. That shows how much I know. Goodbye, original motion picture soundtrack. Goodbye, ‘Let It Roll.’ Let it roll, indeed.” At press time, reports confirmed a frantic Kidman had lunged for the smoldering record.

The post Nicole Kidman Tosses ‘The Garfield Movie’ Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile appeared first on The Onion.

Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke

The Onion Staff — Mon, 15 Sep 2025 19:02:18 +0000

SCOPELLO, SICILY—Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. “Wow, just look at that thing—it’s gorgeous,” said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel put his hand over hers so the pair could perform the ritual together. “Aw, look at the two of them. You can tell it’s the happiest day of their lives. The photos are going to be so cute. I told myself I wasn’t going to have any, but now that I see how beautiful it looks, I think I have to have a sliver.” At press time, sources confirmed the newlyweds were playfully smashing each other’s face with the coke.

The post Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke appeared first on The Onion.

Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom

The Onion Staff — Fri, 01 Aug 2025 13:28:13 +0000

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Raising their eyebrows at the bride’s assertion that she was “adventurous,” wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the couple’s vows were a damning chronicle of how much she had changed herself for him. “She keeps thanking God for bringing him into her life, but wasn’t she a staunch atheist, like, two and a half years ago?” said guest Madelyn Gonzalez, frowning as Hines, who had once stated that if she ever got married she would have a budget-friendly ceremony at city hall, stood in a $7,000 dress at the altar before nearly 500 people who were primarily friends, family members, coworkers, and acquaintances of the groom. “When I first met her, she didn’t watch any sports. Now she’s saying the favorite part of her weekend is watching the Ravens game with him after CrossFit? Huh. At least he didn’t have to change a single thing for her.” At press time, the former militant vegan was reportedly opening her mouth wide so her new husband could feed her a piece of buttercream-frosted cake.

The post Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom appeared first on The Onion.

Sailor Regrets Getting Married To The Sea So Young

The Onion Staff — Tue, 10 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Wishing he had seen more of life before taking on such a big commitment, local sailor Marcus Haines told reporters Tuesday that he regretted getting married to the sea so young. “I was so captivated by those big blue waves that I never stopped to consider whether I was rushing into things with the briny deep,” said the contemplative mariner, admitting that he sometimes wondered whether he might have ended up as a forester or even a mountaineer if he’d given himself more time to explore in his youth. “I was only 19 when I gave up the landlubber life to get married to the sea. Just a kid. I wish someone had taken me aside and told me to check out a few lakes and ponds before becoming a salty old sea dog. There was no reason for me to be in such a hurry. And to be clear, it’s not that I don’t care for the sea. But sometimes, when I’m at port, I’ll see a river and wonder: Could I have ended up sailing along that if I hadn’t been so quick to tie the knot with the deep?” Haines added that despite his regrets, he planned to stay married to the sea for his boat’s sake.

The post Sailor Regrets Getting Married To The Sea So Young appeared first on The Onion.

You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving

The Onion Staff — Tue, 15 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you’ve changed. I’ve tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can’t pretend any longer: You’re not the man I married. You’re significantly more attractive and loving. You’re considerate, you’re responsible, and you’ve allowed your body to become really chiseled. In a word, you’re the total package.

To be honest, I don’t even recognize you anymore.

This isn’t what I signed up for. It’s been a long time since we stood at the altar and you scratched your nose and mumbled your vows while barely looking me in the eye. Back then, I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with the apathetic, incompetent man in front of me. I’ll never forget how leaden and bored you looked during our first dance and how, 45 seconds into the song, you bent down and whispered into my ear: “Was that good enough? Can I sit down now?” For years, all my friends and family members talked about was how off-putting you were.

These days, it’s like looking at a completely different person. You’re confident. You’re supportive. You know when to tuck in or not tuck in your shirt, and you ask me questions about my day. The other night, I walked through the front door and you surprised me with a shoulder rub and a pan-seared salmon dinner. I thought to myself: Who the hell is this man, and what has he done with my husband?

Is any of this getting through to you? Jesus, people respect you, Gerald. That’s not something I ever thought I’d have to say about my own husband. We need to face facts. You just aren’t who you once were. You’re now a caring partner, a healthy role model to our children, and an all-around interesting guy who cultivates several unique hobbies.

While I don’t want to be shallow, you’ve changed a lot physically, too. I’m not saying I expect you to look the same way you did at 22, but you’ve put on a lot of muscle. It’s like you can’t go a day without exercise. It may sound crazy, but I swear that your face has gotten more symmetrical lately.

Sometimes I look over at night and feel as if there’s a well-toned, courteous stranger in my bed.

Where is the man I fell in love with all those years ago? The man who breathed only through his mouth? The man who was covered head-to-toe in stains regardless of the last time he ate? The man who sent me into anaphylactic shock three times because he kept forgetting that his favorite snack, Reese’s Miniature Cups, had peanuts in them? That version of you—the ugly, bumbling idiot I was head over heels for—is completely gone.

Gerald, I am simply no longer in love with this improved version of you. That’s why I’m packing my bags and leaving tonight. Please don’t beg me to stay. I may not be perfect, but I do know my worth.

The post You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving appeared first on The Onion.

Report: Wife Hasn’t Been Home In Few Days

The Onion Staff — Mon, 14 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

MEDINA, OH—Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn’t been home in a few days. “Huh, that’s weird,” said Nick Davis, who was quoted in the report and who looked from a television playing a rerun of Chicago Fire to a window showing that his wife’s car was still not in the driveway after what must have been two or three days. “I’m pretty sure she usually comes home every day. But she’s definitely not here now, because I called out her name a few times and she didn’t answer. Guess I’ll order delivery again. She’d probably call if something was wrong, right?” The report concluded that it was no doubt best to give it a few more days before sending her a text.

The post Report: Wife Hasn’t Been Home In Few Days appeared first on The Onion.

‘Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,’ Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Feb 2025 15:57:36 +0000

CLEVELAND—In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking “Maybe hot dog will make wife feel better,” sources confirmed Friday. “Hot dog tastes good, and wife likes things that taste good,” Fineman reportedly thought to himself, putting together a plan to place a hot dog in a bun and hand it to his spouse that would have no measurable positive effect on her whatsoever. “Wife sad, but wife likes hot dog. Hot dog make wife happy? No, wife still sad.” At press time, an undeterred Fineman was said to be devising a new strategy after remembering that “wife likes hamburger, too.”

The post ‘Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,’ Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things appeared first on The Onion.

What To Know About The 4B Movement

The Onion Staff — Mon, 18 Nov 2024 15:27:44 +0000

The South Korean radical feminist 4B movement, in which women swear off marriage, childbirth, dating men, and sex with men, has sparked intense conversations among Americans on social media. Here is what you need to know about 4B.

Q: How did the 4B movement start?

A: It was developed in South Korea by a group of women who watched Bridget Jones’ Diary and realized men are more trouble than they’re worth.

Q: Why is it gaining popularity after the election?

A: Just a coincidence.

Q: Who are its members?

A: Thousands of women who haven’t seen you in that sleeveless hoodie yet

Q: Isn’t the Korean 4B movement virulently transphobic and homophobic?

A: Typical male question.

Q: Who benefits the most from this movement?

A: The 2028 Vance presidential campaign.

Q: Isn’t this the plot of Lysistrata?

A: Wow, someone has a classics degree

Q: Why are Americans joining the 4B movement?

A: To improve TikTok engagement for women everywhere.

Q: What can men do to help?

A: Whatever they’re doing now is already helping increase membership just fine.

The post What To Know About The 4B Movement appeared first on The Onion.

Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch ‘Stargate SG-1’ Than Have Honest Conversation About ‘Stargate SG-1’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:19:09 +0000

BOSTON—Describing the behavior as an avoidance strategy used to ignore difficult subjects, local woman Sophia McKabe told reporters Thursday that her emotionally distant husband Doug seemed to prefer watching Stargate SG-1 to having an honest conversation about Stargate SG-1. “It’s like every time I try to ask Doug how he really feels about Colonel O’Neill and the rest of the SG-1 unit’s chances against the Goa’uld, he just turns away and puts on another episode,” said McKabe, who expressed dismay over her spouse’s seeming indifference toward engaging with thorny topics about the military science-fiction series, such as the origins of the Stargate device’s space-travel technology and who the mysterious beings known as the Ancients might be. “The other day I paused the show and asked him, ‘Doug, honey, do you think we’ll ever watch [spinoff series] Stargate Atlantis?’ and he just got this far-off look in his eyes. I get that this is tougher than just skipping to the next season, but sometimes I wonder if he even thinks my opinions about System Lord Apophis matter.” At press time, McKabe had reportedly sent her husband a sternly worded email asking if they might consider seeking counseling at forum.gateworld.net.

The post Emotionally Distant Husband Would Rather Watch ‘Stargate SG-1’ Than Have Honest Conversation About ‘Stargate SG-1’ appeared first on The Onion.

Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt

The Onion Staff — Wed, 09 Oct 2024 15:13:57 +0000

KANSAS CITY, MO—Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt. “Although in common terms the two of you may be considered in love, it is the duty of this court to follow a certain standard of evidence, and your relationship must be presumed casual until it is proven serious,” said Judge Luther Hanscom, whose ruling found insufficient grounds to suggest Fields and Garcia’s bond was meant to last forever, concluding it was plausible they were participants in nothing more than a simple fling. “You have not provided the necessary love letters or the breathless texts to your friends after your first date to substantiate a legal claim that you are two halves of a shared, sacred whole. Even as I look at you now, I can see no body language indicating a level of romantic chemistry sufficient to warrant a marriage license. Your affection, though it may exist, is just not at the threshold of making me hear wedding bells when you gaze into each other’s eyes.” At press time, sources confirmed the couple had successfully appealed the ruling after Garcia gave his fiancée a tennis bracelet that must have cost at least $800.

The post Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt appeared first on The Onion.

What To Know About ‘Gray Divorce’

The Onion Staff — Mon, 07 Oct 2024 15:01:07 +0000

According to researchers, “gray divorce,” a term referring to divorce occurring at age 50 or older, is on the rise. Here is what to know about the increasing divorce rate among older American couples.

Q: What makes gray divorce different from regular divorce?

A: Old people, who presumably have nothing left to live for, are doing it.

Q: What is the divorce rate among elderly couples?

A: Enough for two Time magazine covers and five segments on Fox & Friends.

Q: Why is it on the rise?

A: The populace has turned its back on the Lord.

Q: How is gray divorce affecting families?

A: Adult children are being forced to juggle two nursing homes they don’t visit.

Q: Can seeing a marriage counselor help?

A: Sure, if you want, but they’re very hard to sleep with.

Q: How can couples avoid gray divorce?

A: By seeking a divorce while they’re still young.

Q: When is the right time to ask for a gray divorce?

A: He’s been dead for 20 years, grandma.

The post What To Know About ‘Gray Divorce’ appeared first on The Onion.