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Texans at Jaguars

OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Jaguars – Following a disappointing 27-20 loss, Texans owner Bob McNair will reassure fans that Coach Kubiak is an integral part of the Texans’ plans for the future.

Vikings at Ravens

OSN’s Pick: Ravens – Expect the Ravens to edge out a win in this highly anticipated new chapter of the Cassel-Flacco Bowl.

Browns at Patriots

OSN’s Pick: Patriots – Tom Brady should take advantage of the Browns’ secondary by targeting the big dumb fuck or the annoying little pricks.

Colts at Bengals

OSN’s Pick: Bengals or Colts – Who fucking knows? We’re just trying to get through this goddamn football season like the rest of you lumps of shit.

Lions at Eagles

OSN’s Pick: Lions – With both Detroit and Philadelphia possessing respectable records and aiming for a playoff berth, it’s clear that we’ve entered some kind of ethereal second reality in which nothing can be trusted.

Falcons at Packers

OSN’s Pick: Packers – OSN’s oracle pulled a slip reading “Green Bay” from a hat filled with steaming pig entrails.

Chiefs at Redskins

OSN’s Pick: Redskins – Washington pulls it out in a stunner no one except Alex Smith and crooked Las Vegas bookie Dom Corrigan saw coming.

Raiders at Jets

OSN’s Pick: Raiders – This is an even matchup in which anything could happen, including a thoroughly uninteresting game.

Dolphins at Steelers

OSN’s Pick: Steelers – Mike Wallace will have an emotional return to Heinz Field, where he was not long ago one of the league’s top receivers and only privately a homophobic, loudmouthed piece of shit.

Bills at Buccaneers

OSN’s Pick: Bills – Two gladiators enter a ring. Neither has any idea they are gladiators or in a ring.

Titans at Broncos

OSN’s Pick: Broncos – The Titans are hoping for a ton of snow, presumably so they can build a franchise quarterback.

Giants at Chargers

OSN’s Pick: Chargers – With Eli Manning’s interceptions finally drying up, the Giants will continue finding new and creative ways to turn over the ball.

Eagles at Panthers

OSN’s Pick: Panthers – The matchup no one is talking about.

Seahawks at 49ers

OSN’s Pick: Seahawks – Colin Kaepernick is the most dynamic young running quarterback of 2012.

Rams at Cardinals

OSN’s Pick: Cardinals – Christ, there are a lot of games this week. Uh…Cardinals.

Panthers at Saints

OSN’s Pick: Saints – Like all teams this season, the Panthers will struggle in the fiery atmosphere of the underground Superdome 3,000 miles below the surface of the earth.

Cowboys at Bears

OSN’s Pick: Bears – Two middle-of-the-road teams clash in a game with deep implications for both the NFC East race and and the future of neurological research.

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It’s a terrifying thought that crosses the mind of any parent from time to time. Because Gorchul is real, he’s out there, and you never know if it’s going to be your child who will one day be abducted in their sleep by the mad chrono-wizard and dragged screaming to the nether planes of time.

That’s the hardest thing about being a parent, really: the reality that, no matter how hard you work to keep your kid safe, in the back of your mind there’s always that nagging feeling that you don’t really have control over what happens to them after they leave for school. Or even when they’re at home, standing right in front of you, as Gorchul has been known to appear anywhere, tear a rift in the fabric of space-time, and pull a child down into his primordial lair of darkness and murk before your very eyes.

It’s the big trade-off of parenthood. Yes, you get the delight and the satisfaction of raising children. And yes, you’re ultimately so happy you decided to have them. But you also get the attendant dread that at any moment, the ageless, shapeshifting necromancer—Gorchul the Damned, Gorchul the Maleficent, Gorchul the Impure—can lure your child into his clutches with his gleaming light cube and then spirit him away to a world darker than hell.

And sure, you can line your doorstep with quartz and sprinkle nectar over your child’s bed, as the Glimmer Tome instructs us. You can even bury as many balls of your children’s hair and teeth as you want, or construct an enchanted cairn over each child’s bed with the aid of an uncorrupted thaumaturge. But the reality is, even if you cross all your T’s and dot all your I’s, at the end of the day, you can only do so much to keep your child truly safe because Gorchul is all around us, at every moment, ready to feed off the life force of your child’s soul, enslave him in the shadow world, or, even worse, slip into the empty husk of his body and pose as a demonic imposter of your beloved son or daughter.

Because that’s the real nightmare: losing a child and then seeing him come back but knowing that’s not your kid in there—that’s Gorchul.

And sometimes no one even saw Gorchul take your child. But you know. You can see Gorchul inside. The shining eyes. The twisted little smile. And at first you think, oh, thank God—my child is safe! But then you realize it’s just Gorchul. And then you have to murder the shell that Gorchul is inhabiting. You have to slit your child’s throat from ear to ear and bleed him out in the bathtub while incanting the aegis rime.

Trust me, if you have kids, you know what I’m talking about.

And the worst part about it is that you can’t reassure yourself. You can’t say, “Oh, I’m just being a worrywart. That could never happen to my child,” because you know it can. You’ve read the statistics; you’ve seen the evidence; you’ve heard Gorchul’s laugh in the air around you at odd hours of the night. And you know that pretending Gorchul doesn’t exist is exactly what he wants you to do. So, you live in mortal fear of getting a call from your school in the middle of the day—that call that every parent dreads, where they say, “Gorchul took your child. The Sorcerer of Doom returns.”

The only thing you can do is be the very best parent you can and just hope that one day someone will follow Gorchul into the slipstream with a dagger of pure obsidian and slaughter him on the Threshold of Tomorrow. (Assuming, of course, that the Gorchul being pursued is not merely a prismatic illusion in the shape of Gorchul intended to fool time crusaders, like last time.) All I know is that I remember to hug my kids close every night, because you never know. You just never know.

Oh, if only Xel, the Eternal Paladin, would return.

The post Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare Is Losing A Child To Gorchul, The Dark Sorcerer Of Time appeared first on The Onion.

Reports indicate that the ideal specimen, who was first seen on a reality television program earlier this year, has already been featured in dozens of magazines and newspapers and across multiple social media platforms, where topics such as the attractive person’s visits to restaurants and nightclubs, workout regimen, sense of style, and apparent lack of body fat have been discussed at length.

“I’m very excited to start paying attention to this new attractive person,” said Houston, TX resident Evan McClarain, who recently began following the attractive person on Twitter. “There are certainly a lot of other attractive people out there, but this person is new and has a pleasing physical appearance, and I like thinking about them.”

“I can’t wait to see them in more places,” he added. “On TV, on the internet, in advertisements, and maybe later on in movies, too. ”

According to sources, there has been an increasing amount of buzz around the attractive person, who, because of their similar looks and personality, has been compared to an entirely different attractive person. While some have declared themselves on Team New Attractive Person, many loyalists still consider themselves part of Team Other Attractive Person, who they claim is “much more attractive.”

Nonetheless, Americans across the country confirmed that they enjoyed discussing among friends which attractive person of the opposite gender this new attractive person might look attractive with.

While the attractive person’s future career plans are reportedly not determined at this time, many have expressed interest in learning what they are.

“When describing people in real life who I think are attractive, I may use this attractive person’s name as a comparison,” said Petaluma, CA convenience store clerk Jen Rinaldi, who added that she plans to purchase a product that the new attractive person also owns or endorses. “Until now, I’ve been using another attractive person’s name for this purpose, and while they’re still attractive, generally speaking, I do not perceive them as being ‘new’ and therefore they are not as inherently interesting to me at this particular point in time.”

“Besides, I heard the new attractive person is also a recording an album,” Rinaldi added, referencing an Instagram photo that circulated this week showing the attractive person posing in the studio with a popular musician, also attractive. “I hope it gets released soon. I’m going to buy it and then go see them in concert when they come to my city.”

According to a recent poll conducted by US Weekly, 57 percent of people “love” the new attractive person, while 37 percent said they “hate” the new attractive person. Furthermore, 33 percent agreed the new attractive person had “good teeth,” 48 percent agreed they had “good skin,” and 64 percent agreed they “look good with or without glasses.”

In a side-by-side comparison between the new attractive person and another attractive person, 72 percent said the new attractive person wore their clothes better, while 28 percent said the other attractive person wore their clothes better.

“I don’t want to get my hopes up, but maybe someone will secretly take photos of the attractive person on the beach and post them online,” said Boston, MA consultant Dan Eaglemeyer. “I am often aroused when I see them on TV, but I imagine I will be more aroused when I see them in a bathing suit.”

“To put it bluntly, I could see myself fantasizing about having sex with this person,” Eaglemeyer added.

The post New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention appeared first on The Onion.

Goodell told reporters that sitting down for several hours and combing through the roughly 8,000 comments submitted on the website each day has been an integral part of his work routine ever since succeeding Paul Tagliabue in 2006. The commissioner added that the posts regularly provide him with astute commentary on a wide array of league-related topics, all of which he attempts to incorporate into his decision-making process.

“Our fans know what they’re talking about when it comes to the intricacies of football and league management, and as commissioner I would be remiss to ever overlook that,” said Goodell, adding that the official website’s comment sections serve as aggregators of critical input that might otherwise never reach his desk. “For instance, Mark Turner recently made an excellent point about the excessive nature of Mike Tomlin’s fine, which I’m now reevaluating. Likewise, Sean Farnsworth’s remarks had me rethinking the league’s attitude toward protecting quarterbacks, which he believes comes at the cost of aggressive play calling by defenses.”

“And obviously Mark Henderson’s suggestion yesterday that ‘the Chargers fucking suck’ is equally thought-provoking,” Goodell added. “That’s certainly something I’m going to reflect upon.”

While the NFL commissioner typically acts unilaterally on more urgent and clear-cut issues submitted on the message boards, Goodell told reporters that he often presents a selection of comments at the league’s quarterly owners meetings for group debate.

According to Goodell, past discussions have focused on whether to follow Tony Pliska’s suggestion to “suspend the goddamn refs from the Giants-Redskins game,” as well the merits of further investigating Doug Beecham’s claim that there is a league-wide conspiracy to maintain the Patriots’ continued success.

Goodell added that the owners have yet to address one commenter’s repeated promise that those who click his link will find hot singles in their city looking for cock.

Citing several comments calling for Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano to be fired, as well as one user’s contention that Raiders running back Darren McFadden is “a broken-down bum” unworthy of a contract extension, Goodell admitted that some fan suggestions, while highly insightful and well-reasoned, cannot be addressed at a league level and are simply out of his hands.

The commissioner emphasized that in those instances he can only ensure that the comments are seen by the proper personnel at the franchise in question, but added that it was his understanding that most front offices rely heavily on the user suggestions that he passes along.

“I always look forward to seeing what the regulars such as Jeff Byrne, Ken Hoffman, and Ethan Rafferty have to say,” said Goodell, pointing out that some of these commenters have been closely watching football for 15, even 20 years, and can always be relied upon to bring to his attention the pertinent issues of the day. “They obviously know their X’s and O’s and also understand that this league is still a business and needs to be run that way. I’m extremely fortunate to always have their advice at my fingertips.”

“I just hope they can keep it coming,” he added.

At press time, Goodell was reportedly hunched over his laptop, debating whether or not Paul Whigman may be right about referee Ed Hochuli being a scumbag in the pocket of the Seattle Seahawks.

The post Roger Goodell Carefully Considering Every Comment On NFL.com Message Boards appeared first on The Onion.

“But how else will we know how badly mascara burns your eyes out?”

Megan Kertzner • Vending Machine Coin Collector

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“You mean I have to give up Thurston?”

Bob Friedman • File Clerk

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“All right, how many bananas do we gotta throw at this to make it go away?”

Ryan Huus • Lifeguard Trainer

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“Sometimes it’s just nice to know that someone somewhere is looking out for you.”

Michael Schneider • Turnstile Attendant

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“How many are in Macaroni Grill right now? If there’s a lot, I’ll make a reservation.”

Tom Mills • Tax Agent

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“Then I may as well just admit it now. It’s in my pocket.”

Sarah Henecky • Urban Planning Assistant

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The post NSA Tracking Locations Of Millions Of Cell Phones appeared first on The Onion.

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Jackson, 52, was reportedly taken into police custody immediately and is now awaiting charges.

“At this time, we can confirm that 15 halflings between the ages of 25 and eleventy-one were discovered inside the home of Peter Jackson at approximately 4 p.m. this afternoon,” said Wellington Police District Commander Stephen Jones, adding that authorities were initially called when Jackson’s neighbors complained of “a rotting odor” emanating from his home, after which officers conducted a comprehensive search of the property. “We eventually found a hidden hatch on the perpetrator’s ceiling, which was held shut by three heavy-duty locks. Once we opened the door, we came across the victims, already deceased, all of whom had the hair ripped out from the tops of their feet.”

While stressing that autopsies are still pending, Jones told reporters the hobbits appeared to have been gagged, beaten, and routinely starved, often receiving only one breakfast per day. The bodies were reportedly completely emaciated, while several were missing entire rows of teeth and covered in abrasions consistent with Hithlain rope burns.

Upon being apprehended by police, sources said Jackson, who was reportedly nearly incoherent at the time, claimed that he was “just preparing a lovely feast for his guests from the Shire” and then began shrieking that “old Odo Proudfoot is up to all sorts of mischief again.”

“From what we’ve gathered, Jackson lured these hobbits to his home with promises of pipe-weed, seed cake, and Barliman’s Best ale,” Jones said. “He then knocked them unconscious, stripped them naked, and bound their hands and feet before confining them in the windowless space above his bedroom, where they were kept alive for varying spans of time.”

“We can also confirm at this time that a number of the victims had been sexually assaulted,” Jones added.

Jones confirmed that alongside the corpses in the attic, authorities found blindfolds, whips, chains, and several Morgul-blades, as well as a long row of severed oversized feet nailed to a wall. Reportedly uncovered in a separate room of the house were hundreds of plastic bags filled with curly brown hobbit hair.

Although officials have yet to release the names of all the victims, reports indicated that among those imprisoned in Jackson’s home were Shire residents Reginard Brockhouse, 49, Myrtle Underhill, 62, Donnamira Boffin, 57, and Fredegar Smallburrow, 74. Also said to have been found was the body of Daisy Gamgee, a 30-year-old adolescent hobbit from Bag End who was reported missing by her parents this past Mid-Year’s Day, having been last seen in Bywater at the Green Dragon Inn.

Furthermore, sources said the body of one hobbit, whom investigators have yet to identify, was discovered skinned from head to toe and hung by the ankles from a 4-foot-high ceiling beam.

“We are obviously dealing with an incredibly disturbed individual here,” said Jones, adding that Jackson will be investigated in connection with the two bloodied hobbit corpses dumped in the Brandywine River last year, eventually identified as Tolman and Mirabella Grubb of Bree. “It is still unclear what drove this man to such heinous and unconscionable acts. We did, however, confiscate a personal journal from his bedside, which will perhaps provide some insight into his mind once it is translated from Adûnaic.”

Residents of Jackson’s Wellington neighborhood, meanwhile, expressed their utter shock that such a terrible tragedy could occur right under their noses.

“It’s unthinkable that something like this could happen here,” said 38-year-old accountant Allison Gaines, who lives two houses down from Jackson. “This is a quiet, friendly neighborhood, and I’ve lived here my entire life. I didn’t know Peter very well, but he would occasionally wave when I passed him on the sidewalk.”

In light of the tragedy, candlelight vigils for the victims are reportedly being organized this evening in Bucklebury, Whitfurrows, Hobbiton, and Long Cleeve. Thousands from the four Farthings are expected to be in attendance.

“That man is an absolute monster who deserves to rot in the dungeons of Dol Guldur for the rest of his life,” said 77-year-old Erling Mugwort, speaking to reporters outside his hobbit-hole in Crickhollow. “I can’t believe we used to actually welcome him here. He would come and share in our songs and stories, and the thought of that makes my stomach churn.”

“He said he loved us,” added Mugwort, grimacing as his eyes welled with tears. “He’s a very sick man.”

The post Grisly Remains Of 15 Hobbits Discovered In Peter Jackson’s Attic appeared first on The Onion.