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Vol 47: Issue 49

Entertainment, Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes – Week Of December 6, 2011

You’ll be taken completely by surprise when the Maritime Administration declares you a derelict hulk and has you broken up for scrap. Sleep will continue…
Sports

Winter Meetings Heat Up With Rumors That Hotel Has An Indoor Pool

DALLAS—Team owners across the major leagues were galvanized Monday by news that the Hilton Anatole hotel, which will host professional baseball’s official 2011 winter meetings,…
American Voices, Opinion

Two New Elements To Be Named

The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium. What do you think?
News

In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down

CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to…
Local

Half-Asleep Man Pauses 20 Minutes Between Socks
Sports

Excited Mike Krzyzewski: Duke Squad Hasn't Been This Unlikable In Years

DURHAM, NC—Though cautioning that it is still early in the season, a beaming Mike Krzyzewski told reporters Monday he has not seen a Duke team…

Local

Nation's Moms Demand Christmas List

ATLANTA—Saying the holidays are right around the corner and they want to make sure they get you something you’ll really like this year, the nation’s…
American Voices, Opinion

Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data

A developer discovered a hard-to-detect bit of software on Android phones that tracks your location, phone calls, and text messages, and report them back to…
Cartoons, Opinion

Zoo-Illogical
Dispatch, News

Report: Global Warming May Be Irreversible By 2006

GENEVA—A new report from the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warned Monday that global warming is likely to become completely irreversible if no successful…
Local

Local Woman Assures Friend She Has Blackouts From Drinking All The Time
Sports

Every Marlins Game Sold Out For Next Season As Fans Become Enamored With Team's New Color Scheme

MIAMI—The Miami Marlins announced Saturday they are completely sold out of tickets for the 2012 season, ending a deluge of requests from area residents completely…

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