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Vol 47: Issue 49

News

U.S. To Give Limestone-Based Economy A Shot Starting Next Week

’Sounds Weird, But You Never Know,’ Officials Say
Sports

Cowboys Receiver Dez Bryant Runs Perfect Scenic Route
Reader Comprehension Quiz – Technology Edition
Entertainment

Euro Crisis Hits Rock

Some rock bands, including the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica, have changed the dates of their tours to ensure payment in the event the…
Sports

New Commercial To Feature John McEnroe Saying 'You Cannot Be Serious'

NEW YORK—In an effort to emphasize the value of its offerings and enhance the visibility of its brand, electronics superstore TV America will run a…
Local

New Desk Chair Is A Boring Dream Come True

Sports

Prototypical Stock-Car Racer Kurt Busch Fired For Being Prototypical Stock-Car Racer

MOORESVILLE, NC—Veteran NASCAR racer Kurt Busch, long a fan favorite for old-school stock-car-driver antics such as reckless racing, fistfights with competitors, and hard drinking, was…
Local

Area Man Carefully Weighs One Side Of Argument

BOISE, ID—Personnel manager Victor Hartley confirmed Wednesday that he is taking very seriously a dispute between employees Tom Gladstone and Harriet Deneve, giving the matter…
American Voices, Opinion

Bee Species Rediscovered

Scientists from the University of California–Riverside announced they have rediscovered a bumblebee that was last seen in 1956. What do you think?
Dispatch, News

Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks

’But After A Minute, You’re Basically Fine,’ Researchers Say
Local

Kentucky Senior Finds A Human Thong In His Driveway
News

6-Year-Old Boy Thinks He Might Be Too Old To Be In Women's Locker Room

STAMFORD, CT—Admitting to a growing sense of unease, 6-year-old Zachary Barrett confided to reporters Monday that he might be getting too old to continue accompanying…

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