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Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall.
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America

Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery.
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Small Town Ravished By Alejandro

We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet.
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds

New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet

Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the…

Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner.…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar.
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers

Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite…

Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape

Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji

The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life

Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret…
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover

Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen.

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