Sports Archives - The Onion

Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell’s Car

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 18:10:29 +0000

CLEVELAND—Saying he was ready to carry on the legacy forged by Cody Kessler, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and dozens of other short-lived Browns signal callers over the past two decades, rookie quarterback Shedeur Sanders told reporters Friday he was “more than confident” he could deliver everything Cleveland fans had come to expect. “Being this team’s 42nd starting quarterback since 1999 is a huge responsibility, but I’m prepared to be that guy,” said the fifth-round pick, adding that he felt fully capable of upholding the standard set by his many predecessors who had been thrust into the lineup by injuries, and that he had no doubt he possessed the skill, composure, and maturity required to lead the Browns through the kind of last-place campaign the franchise’s loyal fan base had grown accustomed to. “I can’t wait to go out there and show what it truly means to be a Cleveland Browns quarterback. Dillon [Gabriel] left some big shoes to fill, but I know I can carry the torch and embody everything this 2–8 team represents.” Sanders vowed to give the Browns everything he had for the next two weeks, at which point he expects to lose the starting job to Bailey Zappe.

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Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 17:45:58 +0000

DETROIT—Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. “I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get together on that day and have a feast and watch football, and I really don’t want to miss it,” said the 24-year-old guard, adding that he’s very excited to spend time with his cousins and have a few helpings of his grandma’s famous stuffing. “I’ve already had to cancel a lot of weekend plans because of games this season, so I’m hoping I don’t have to back out on this, too. Plus, my mom said she’s making pecan pie just for me—it’s my favorite.” At press time, source confirmed Ratledge had offered to come in and play a makeup game sometime during a bye week.

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Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LAS VEGAS—Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that rabbits were still somehow managing to get beneath the Octagon fence. “We’ve tried everything—chicken wire, garlic spray, motion-triggered sprinklers—but the little bastards just keep scratching their way under there,” said White, gesturing to a UFC official attempting to lure out a pair of bunnies with a celery stick just moments before the start of a welterweight bout. “Every time we think we’ve sealed up all the gaps, nope—there’s another goddamn rabbit chewing on a cutman’s rag, or a pile of rabbit turds under [Kamaru] Usman’s stool. They’re cute, but man, they’re distracting. And they reproduce like crazy.” At press time, White was reportedly on the phone with a pest control company to see if they could “come out and spray some chemicals or put up an electric dog fence or something.”

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Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

The Onion Staff — Sun, 09 Nov 2025 18:05:00 +0000

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division I football or at the very least had some kind of proven track record as an athlete, but honestly, we were just blown away by that cover letter,” said Patriots general manager Eliot Wolf, adding that the undersized defender’s self-described passion, attention to detail, comfort in team settings, and background in AP English initially made him seem like a no-brainer for the team’s third-round pick. “Should we have looked into his 40 time, or his bench press reps, or whether he was taller than 5-foot-4? Yes, it’s clear now we should’ve. But man, if you’d read his paragraph about seeing challenges as opportunities, you’d hire him, too.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Welles would be sidelined two to four weeks after sustaining a concussion while attempting to tackle a blocking sled.

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Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He’s Seen

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:16:03 +0000

PITTSBURGH—Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he’d seen. “Aaron’s always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel like it’s something I’ve heard the Geico lizard say on TV,” Steelers wide receiver DK Metcalf told reporters, citing a recent incident in which Rodgers gathered his teammates for a pregame meeting to passionately urge them all to “obey [their] thirst,” at one point pausing mid-sentence to absentmindedly mutter, “Liberty Biberty.” “Like, we were in a huddle during the Colts game, and he told us all that there’s never been a better time to lock in a deal on a new Chevy. And while we were trying to figure out what exactly he meant by that, he got all riled up about how, as a team, we need a polyurethane deck sealant that stands up to tough weather conditions. Then we got a delay of game penalty.” At press time, Rodgers had barged into general manager Omar Khan’s office to demand that Metcalf be traded for Chester Cheetah.

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Self-Conscious Sumo Wrestler Wears White T-Shirt Into Ring

The Onion Staff — Tue, 04 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

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NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. “When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up their lives and those of their loved ones through the proper, lawful channels,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver, emphasizing the league’s zero-tolerance policy for any ill-advised wagers that lead to the bettor’s total financial devastation but aren’t made through a licensed online or brick-and-mortar sportsbook. “Look, if you’re going to liquidate your daughter’s college fund in order to finance a long-shot parlay on the Pelicans, or take out a high-interest credit line using your brother’s restaurant as collateral to cover another week of haphazardly placed lightning bets, do it in an above-board manner through one of the numerous sportsbooks with which the NBA has established partnerships bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars annually. If you’re making a series of increasingly reckless wagers that leaves you destitute, penniless, and alienated from everyone who once loved you, fine, but it needs to be within the full letter of the law. No exceptions.” Silver added that any individuals looking to develop a lifelong gambling compulsion through officially sanctioned channels could obtain up to $300 in bonus cash on DraftKings using the promotional code SHAQATTACK.

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Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 01:20:00 +0000

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Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 17:50:59 +0000

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an effort to console the team’s star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. “Hey, you got lucky—just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch of pointless Giants games,” said team head trainer Ronnie Barnes, adding that it was not as though Skattebo played for the Buffalo Bills, Philadelphia Eagles, Indianapolis Colts, Green Bay Packers, or any another legitimate NFL contender that had a record better than 2-6 and was in a position in which a top player’s absence would actually make a difference. “The important thing is it’s nothing serious, just a few meaningless matchups in an already-lost season. Your injury will in no way prevent you from competing in games with real stakes.” At press time, sources confirmed Skattebo was feeling much better after being reminded that even when he did play again, it would still only be with the Giants.

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Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 00:30:00 +0000

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