“Every time I see her it’s ’have you thought about your future’ this, and ’do you know where you’re gonna put your presidential library’ that,” said Bush, who will be moving out of the White House on Jan. 20. “It’s like, I’ll just get a job as a CEO or board chairman or something. My God, quit worrying about it. I’m 62 years old, for Christ’s sake!”

Bush, who has prepared for the end of his second term by learning to play guitar and visiting friends across the country, said he will be “just fine” once he gets out into the real world.

“I might not have the most experience, and I don’t have a lot of practical skills, either, but I need to figure this out for myself,” Bush said. “I mean, you don’t see Cheney’s parents riding him about this stuff.”

Reached for comment at her summer home in Kennebunkport, ME, Barbara Bush claimed that she only wants what is best for the president, and hopes that he will become more responsible and self-reliant in years to come. Her son, she said, would never even have gotten his job at the White House had she and her husband not “pulled a few strings.”

“He’s spent the last five or six years fooling around and experimenting with this little Iraq thing he likes so much, but now it’s time for him to get serious,” Mrs. Bush said. “And if he thinks he’s just going to come live with us when this is over, he’s got another thing coming.”

“Our baby [former Florida governor] Jeb [Bush] already took his old room anyway,” she added.

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According to sources, the not-so-moving accident has left this normally quiet Maryland community in a state of utter indifference, with hundreds of men, women, and children neglecting to come together as one and rally around the trapped 38-year-old.

“I don’t understand,” said Janice Peters, who has spent every day since first hearing of Ennis’ plight gardening in her backyard. “What’s a man of that age even doing around a well to begin with? The whole thing’s a bit ridiculous if you ask me.”

Added Peters, “He must have been drunk.”

The injured Ennis has been ignored by more than just ordinary citizens, however. Firefighters and rescue workers have reportedly been working around the clock, attending to several other, larger emergencies in and around town. The local police department has by all accounts also sprung into action, with nearly 20 officers arriving at the scene early Tuesday morning to see the “idiotic klutz” for themselves.

“In a situation like this, there’s very little you can actually do,” said Denton deputy sheriff Todd Levin, who identified the bruised and disoriented Ennis after peering down the well to see if a young child had fallen in with him. “We took pictures, you know, for our records and such. And went to this nice sandwich shop right up the street. But other than that, the whole thing wasn’t as much fun as we all thought it was going to be. I think he was actually passed out for most of it.”

To date, no money has been raised in an effort to rescue Ennis from the well, nor has anyone in the community volunteered to chip in and provide the desperate man with food, fresh water, or words of encouragement. Though Ennis has only had a handful of visitors in the past week, sources did confirm that several members of the town’s First Presbyterian Church stopped by on Thursday and together prayed for the 38-year-old to “get his act together.”

“It’s hard to imagine what his parents must be going through,” pastor Phil Heagerty said. “To hear that your adult son went out and got himself stuck inside a well—it’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Our thoughts are definitely with them during what must be a very embarrassing time.”

According to resident Stephanie Cox, who passes by the well every day during her morning jog, Ennis is currently sitting in a foot and a half of dirty water, and does not seem to be making any progress in scaling the well walls with his hands. Cox went on to add that while Ennis might be trying to fashion a makeshift rope out of his clothing, she couldn’t be sure as she is currently “training for a marathon and can’t really stop to check.”

“How could something like this even happen?” Cox said. “That well had been boarded up for years, which means that this moron—whoever he is—literally had to dislodge a bunch of planks in order to fall inside of it. It’s almost as if he wanted to shatter his legs.”

As Ennis enters his sixth straight day of being trapped, the citizens of Catonsville remain confident that the whole situation will eventually resolve itself. Locals are also holding out hope for a rainstorm projected for tomorrow night, which they believe might help to flush Ennis up and out of the well, or at the very least drown out the sound of his prolonged, tortured cries.

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Anne Bentley copes with the day-to-day realities of being a healthy weight for a 39-year-old woman.

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According to his awed coworkers, Atkins’ usage of vacuous administrative jargon reached an almost mythical apex with the pre-lunchtime announcement, during which a string of expertly crafted drivel rolled off the 28-year-old’s tongue with the confidence of a seasoned executive.

“Due to the increased scope of the project vis-à-vis Tuesday’s meeting, compounded with our aforementioned desire to maintain quality without increasing cost, an as-yet indeterminate amount of time will be allocated to our newest venture,” Atkins said without once stuttering. “You should all be proud of the amount of effort and energy you have put forth thus far, and can be certain the project’s conclusion will become more apparent as the tasks become increasingly more finite.”

Atkins then told the stunned boardroom, “I look forward to partying with you all when the work is done,” and concluded the meeting by saying he had to “step out.” After they had regained their senses, his coworkers determined that this seemingly innocuous send-off was, in actuality, an attempt by Atkins to portray himself as a regular guy—a clever tactic that only further proved him to be a veritable wizard of ambiguous executive nonsense.

However, the magnitude of Atkins’ achievement was only fully understood later, after employees finished sorting through the cloud of lilting bureaucratic bullshit that spewed forth from his mouth and deduced their project manager had just informed them that he had no idea when the new project would be completed, and no one would be receiving overtime pay.

“My God, just listen to him spin that empty administrative rhetoric into flaxen strands of gold,” said a visibly stunned Tim Rosen, one of the company’s head market researchers. “The fact that he could come in here and talk to us like that is…. Well, I’m speechless.”

MediaLine president Brian Morrow was among the first to recognize Atkins for his newly achieved mastery of corporate gibberish. After years of directing Atkins to a large binder whenever he asked for tips on speaking with employees, Morrow said he knew his protégé had become a true virtuoso of business jargon when he witnessed Atkins enter the conference room with a newly acquired clipboard and ask a group of adults to participate in a “targeted brainstorm.”

According to Morrow, Atkins is now closer than ever to receiving a promotion after confidently relaying the message that employees needed to “focus on diversifying the brand”— a masterful phrase of managerial gobbledygook devoid of any significant content that Morrow admits he himself doesn’t fully understand and is unable to deliver convincingly.

“We are very impressed that James has made great strides to elaborate in this solution-oriented manner so as to more adequately harness heightened executive verbiage when such platitudes aren’t necessarily mission critical,” Morrow told reporters. “That’s what we desire from those managers who are employed by, work for, touch base with, and attain biweekly compensation from, MediaLine. If he keeps up this outside-the-box thinking, and continues to focus on diversifying the brand, perhaps there could be a position opening up for him here at corporate.”

When Atkins first joined MediaLine as a young market researcher in 2003, he was reportedly inept at using such inane administrative buzzwords and phrases. Sources close to him said he “spoke like a normal person” and wasn’t even sure he wanted to enter the field of marketing. He only applied for the company’s project manager position, colleagues said, because the increased salary would offer him a better chance to pay off college loans.

“When he first took the job two years ago, he told me, ’They’re putting me in charge of making sure that stuff gets done,’” art assistant Kyle Bovard said. “That’s why I was amazed when I overheard him on the phone yesterday describing his position as ’a facilitator tasked with developing predictable increments that are intricately tied to benchmarks, milestones, and completion dates.’”

“I don’t know how somebody even begins to talk like that,” Bovard added.

When asked to comment on his recent success, Atkins responded in a one-line e-mail, stating, “FYI ETA TBD EOM.”

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Holly continues to struggle with having two titles while filling out an application for a Blockbuster card.

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“Looks like O. J. finally screwed up big time.”

“He really never stood a chance, what with Johnnie Cochran dead and no immediately apparent rhyme to exonerate him.”

“The NBA will always have better criminals if you ask me.”

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