Vol 46: Issue 48 Archives - The Onion

About SportsDome

The Onion Staff — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 23:00:00 +0000

Broadcast live continuously throughout the OSN family of networks, SportsDome has been the Onion Sports Network’s signature program since the network’s launch. The show has since become the most-watched news, sports or current affairs programming in the United States, and remains OSN’s flagship program for sports news, analysis, scores, highlights, rumor-mongering and petty personal attacks. The show can be seen in every home in America, every country on the globe and by every branch of the U.S. Armed Services, except for the Navy, with whom OSN remains in a protracted contract dispute over broadcasting fees. Many of the Dome’s former anchors have gone on to find success in other fields, including actors John Hurt and Sarah Jessica Parker, poet Robert Pinsky and Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.

The post About SportsDome appeared first on The Onion.

Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder

The Onion Staff — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 15:30:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS—While sorting through his stacks of unwatched videotapes Friday, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning reportedly stumbled across a strange sort of game film in which two detectives, who are apparently not involved in the playing or discussion of football, attempt to solve a murder. “I have no idea why someone would make a tape of this, since it isn’t about football in any way whatsoever,” said Manning, adding that there wasn’t a single defensive formation to analyze in the 120-minute-long tape. “I’m told that people do this with films, and that you can even see this sort of thing on TV sometimes, but I really don’t understand how two guys trying to catch the person who killed the heiress is supposed to help someone read tendencies in the Titans’ secondary.” Manning admitted he had not been this confused by a game film since his wife, Ashley, made him break down tapes of a football player and a woman in a cheerleader outfit engaging in an extended and vigorous, though evidently pointless, tackling drill.

The post Peyton Manning Finds Weird Game Film Where Two Detectives Try To Solve A Murder appeared first on The Onion.

Pat Riley Glares At 1988 Bottle Of Hair Gel As He Mulls Return To Coaching

The Onion Staff — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 15:30:00 +0000

MIAMI—While toweling off in front of his vanity mirror Monday, Miami Heat team president Pat Riley stared longingly at a bottle of L’Oréal Studio Line hair gel from 1988, pondering the idea of firing Erik Spoelstra and returning to his position as head coach. “What do you say, old friend?” Riley said to the bottle as he squeezed a dollop of gel into his hand. “Have you got another 70 games in you?” As of press time, Riley was reportedly asking his comb if it still feels like a champion.

The post Pat Riley Glares At 1988 Bottle Of Hair Gel As He Mulls Return To Coaching appeared first on The Onion.

Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 15:30:00 +0000

FORT WORTH, TX—Texas Christian University has been invited to join the Big East athletic conference, an opportunity that would grant them higher visibility and prestige, as long as they “bring some of those hot Texas girls along,” Commissioner John Marinatto said Monday. “We are happy to welcome the Horned Frogs to the Big East, as they represent a fine sporting tradition, and also we could really use some new girls around here,” Marinatto told the assembled reporters at a press conference. “Boston College had those cute little Catholic girls, but they left when the Eagles went to the ACC, and we could really use some nice Texas-cowgirl trim. Frankly, West Virginia doesn’t give it up as much as you’d think, even though they’ll do just about anything once you get them liquored up.” TCU athletic director Chris Del Conte said he was happy to hook the Big East up, explaining that the conference’s automatic BCS bowl bid was more than compensation for Syracuse girls being “totally flat.”

The post Report: TCU Can Only Enter Big East If They Bring Girls appeared first on The Onion.

Epic Burnouts

The Onion Staff — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 06:00:00 +0000

SPEED

10 p.m. EDT / 9 p.m. CST

You’re not going to believe how a 1970 Plum Crazy Purple Dodge Challenger roasts ’em off around a corner in Miami.

The post Epic Burnouts appeared first on The Onion.

Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake

The Onion Staff — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 17:00:00 +0000

The post Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake appeared first on The Onion.

Chiefs Accidentally Win Again

The Onion Staff — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 15:30:00 +0000

SEATTLE—In yet another victorious slip-up that baffled players, coaches, and fans alike, the Chiefs accidentally defeated the Seahawks 42-24 Sunday, inadvertently outplaying their opponent by scoring more touchdowns. “We have no idea what even happened, because on most of the plays we didn’t even mean to score,” quarterback Matt Cassel said of his team’s unintentional dominance of the game. “I tried to throw the ball away at least three times, but it kind of floated and ended up in Dwayne Bowe’s hands. It must have startled him, too, because he started screaming and running with the ball towards the end zone as fast as he could.” During the postgame press conference, players on the Chiefs’ defensive line apologized to the Seahawks for frequently tripping and falling on top of their running backs.

The post Chiefs Accidentally Win Again appeared first on The Onion.

Marriage Handled Amicably

The Onion Staff — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 14:00:00 +0000

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.

According to Beth, while it’s clear that they will never fully reconcile their differences, she and David are doing their best in a bad situation.

“It can get pretty tense when the two of us have to be in the same room together, and the holidays are definitely awkward,” Beth said. “But overall, I think we’ve managed to be really civil throughout the whole ordeal.”

“Marriage is obviously a terrible, terrible thing, but it doesn’t mean we have to be at each other’s throats,” Beth added.

The Harrigans also maintained that, while they may no longer be in love, they still both have a great deal of respect for each other.

The couple’s biggest concern has reportedly been their children, Simon, 7, and Laura, 9. Beth said that while she and David realized they could never completely protect the kids from the damaging effects of their continued union, they were doing their best to honestly answer any questions that come up.

“The marriage has been really hard on the kids, but we’re making sure they know it’s not their fault that it’s like this,” said Beth, adding that she tries not to bad-mouth David within earshot of her son and daughter. “Children are very perceptive—they can always tell when something’s wrong—so we decided not to keep anything from them. It’s not like we’re ever going to be a happily married couple again, but at least we can try to make it as painless as possible for them.”

David said that the marriage has been challenging for him personally, but it has also afforded him the opportunity to grow. According to the self-employed accountant, he now spends most of his time in his home office in the basement, an arrangement that still allows him to see his children frequently.

“In some ways, the whole thing has actually been good for me,” David said. “It was such a huge relief when Beth and I could finally sit down and say, ’Look, this thing isn’t working, but what are you gonna do? Life goes on.’”

“Now I just have to build up the courage to start seeing other people,” David continued.

Though things between the couple remain strained, David and Beth both said they look forward to moving past the unpleasant experience as soon as the other dies.

The post Marriage Handled Amicably appeared first on The Onion.

What You Might Not Know About Self-Locking Nylon Cable Ties

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 21:00:00 +0000

The post What You Might Not Know About Self-Locking Nylon Cable Ties appeared first on The Onion.

Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 17:15:00 +0000

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in soaps, were at greater risk for allergies. What do you think?

“Oh, please! You don’t have to tell me what triclosan is. I’m an excellent mother, and as soon as my boy turns 18 and can walk on the street without me, he’ll say the same. DON’T TOUCH THAT, MATT. Excuse me, I have to take my boy to the hospital.”
Cindy Davis • Systems Analyst

“Which antimicrobial agent am I supposed to use, if not triclosan? Chloroxylenol? Give me a break.”
Lou Ketcham • Cashier

“Clearly, I don’t use soap. Looks like ol’ Ronny is skatin’ by once again!”
Ronny Waterson • Unemployed

The post Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System appeared first on The Onion.

Pentagon To Withhold Budget Figures Out Of Respect For American Families

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 15:00:00 +0000

ARLINGTON, VA—Officials at the Pentagon announced Monday that they would no longer make the budget of the Defense Department public, explaining that the information would be “extremely disrespectful” to American families at a time of economic turmoil. “Disclosing the cost of even one Patriot missile could seriously damage the morale of a nation just trying to keep food on the table,” Defense Secretary Robert Gates said of the new policy. “It would be a slap in the face to all the hardworking citizens who continue to struggle and sacrifice day after day.” Gates added that revealing the expense of maintaining America’s military presence in more than 150 nations worldwide might also break the spirits of returning veterans unable to obtain adequate health care.

The post Pentagon To Withhold Budget Figures Out Of Respect For American Families appeared first on The Onion.

Coaches Thought BCS Computer Would At Least Make A Noise When Boise State Lost

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 14:00:00 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS—A number of college football coaches expressed disappointment last Friday following Boise State’s 34-31 loss to Nevada, saying they were disappointed to learn that the BCS computer doesn’t make some sort of sound to signal the defeat of the nation’s No. 4–ranked team. “Everyone was all excited that it was gonna beep or buzz or do some bells or something,” said Baylor University head coach Art Briles, who then imitated a foghorn several times, adding “that would have been a good one.” “There wasn’t even anything on the screen. There should’ve been like a big red ’X,’ or we should’ve at least seen Boise State’s name fall to the bottom of the rankings with a bomb-drop sound effect. Something.” Following an in-depth discussion, several coaches agreed that they would like someone to program “that sound effect from Minesweeper” to play when the bowl matchups are announced.

The post Coaches Thought BCS Computer Would At Least Make A Noise When Boise State Lost appeared first on The Onion.