Dispatch

A U.S. Geographic Survey expeditionary force announced yesterday that it has discovered an unexplored and heretofore unknown land region between the New York and California…

SPRINGFIELD, IL—With drunk driving fatalities in Illinois nearly tripling in the past year, the state’s Department of Motor Vehicles announced Monday it will re-examine its…

In a real-life fight for survival last week, area resident Jerry Svoboda was forced to prepare his own meals rather than succumb to the threat…

PALO ALTO, CA—Researchers are responding with mockery and distaste following the receipt of low-frequency radio waves sent by an alien civilization evidently interested in the…

PROVO, UT—A team of physicists from Brigham Young University announced yesterday that they have succeeded in converting a tiny particle of matter into the truth…

SAN FRANCISCO—When Dith Trang and Rodney Kim get together after school, academics are the furthest thing from their minds.

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN—In a formal ceremony yesterday, Ahmat Al-Fassan, an Iraqi soldier held prisoner and brutally tortured by Iranian captors for more than seven years, was…

SOMERS, NY—Responding to the recent discovery of possible life on Mars, PepsiCo is launching an exploratory space probe to the Red Planet in search of…

MIDFORD, OHIO—Downtown Midford was rocked with terror yesterday when a man with his shirt off casually lounged in the sun, causing panic in the streets…

METROPOLIS—In a transformation that has baffled nuclear physicists and gynecologists alike, an area woman recently gained superhuman powers through an accidental radioactive yeast infection.

In what has been called the largest gastrointestinal rescue effort in history, the United Nations allocated $1.2 billion in antacid relief yesterday for the indigestion-wracked…

Focus to Shift from Reading and Math to Likable Veteran Sitcom Star

REDMOND, WA—In a move designed to hasten the inevitable, billionaire Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates announced yesterday that from now on, he will be getting half.

HOUSTON—The international aerospace community was shocked Monday when the experimental new Phoebus 3 Space Shuttle rocketed into space prematurely, manned only with two bumbling NASA…

MINNEAPOLIS—U.S. Bureau of Departmental Operations secretary Helen Lastrom, 38, is slated to personalize her workplace, a six-foot square cubicle delineated by three grayish-brown office dividers,…

Sudanese President-for-Life Welcomes Questions, Comments