Dispatch

VATICAN CITY—In a radical break from centuries of strict church doctrine, the Pope approved a measure yesterday that would allow gay men and boys to…

Many ‘Winners’ Found to Have Lost Badly

James and Vito Vincenzo, brothers and co-owners of Vincenzo Family Construction and Waste Removal Corporation of Long Island, NY, announced Monday they will give the…

Washington, D.C.—The American condiment community reacted with shock Monday when the U.S. Department of Natural Resources announced that the nation’s natural mayonnaise reserves, long thought…

A University of California-Berkeley study released Tuesday revealed that broads have made significant progress in the workplace over the past decade.

Food lovers of America, a revolutionary new synthetic fat-substitute wonder-substance created under my direction has at last been approved by the FDA and will soon…

KABINDA, ZAIRE—In a move IBM officials are hailing as a major step in the company’s ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M’wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire’s…

DALLAS, TX—Amid much fanfare, the Frito-Lay Corporation, manufacturers of the world’s best-loved snack chip products for over 50 years, announced yesterday the addition of the…

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire’s vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care…

Animals Let Out of Cages, Producing ’Leaner, Healthier’ Zoo

CAIRO—In a discovery that has electrified the global archaeological community, an Egyptian digging team unearthed a grave Sunday reported to be over 25 years old.…

Global deforestation, the environmental disaster forewarned by eco-radicals since as far back as 1980, has finally and irreversibly arrived, spokespersons from Worldwide PulpCo announced Monday.…

President Clinton, in a surprise announcement from the White House Monday, told reporters that he had been ro-man-ced and ultimately burgled by Sir Neville St.…

Female college students from across the northern U.S. celebrated the improved weather this week, preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the…

The American Cancer Society unveiled a promising new weapon in the war against cancer yesterday, a 1.2-megaton anti-cancer missile. The powerful missile, a converted nuclear…