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Vol 55: Issue 29

Local

Science Class Learning About Harmful Effects Of Sugary Sodas By Submerging Classmate In Coca-Cola For A Week
American Voices, Opinion

Trump Says He Disagrees With ‘Send Her Back’ Chants

President Trump told reporters that he disagreed with “send her back” chants directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) at a recent campaign rally, and claimed…
News

Trump Picks Little Eugene Scalia—You Know, Antonin’s Boy—To Lead Labor Department

WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to…
News, News In Photos

Weather Channel Correspondent Paddling Boat Through Melted Sidewalk To Show Off Extent Of Heat Wave
News

New Study Finds Nipples Evolved To Stop Mammals From Squirting Continuous Streams Of Milk From Chests

MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved…
Politics

Trump Campaign Store Offering Special Disavowed Discount On All ‘Send Her Back’ Merchandise

WASHINGTON—In an effort to distance the President from a racist remark chanted about Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) earlier this week, the Trump campaign store reportedly…

News

Real Buzz Aldrin Spends 50th Straight Year On Moon Trying To Signal Earth To Warn Of Imposter

VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly…
Politics

Mark Warner Holding Up Long Line Of Senators Waiting For Diving Board At D.C. Reflecting Pool

WASHINGTON—Shivering in his swimsuit as he peered down at the water below, Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) reportedly held up a long line of senators Friday…
Local

Pube-Riddled Razor Laid To Rest Following Long Battle With Bikini Line
Politics

White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals

WASHINGTON—Expressing concerns that the President’s constant attacks on racial minorities could end up hampering the progress that has been made, white supremacist leaders warned Donald…
News

‘Now I Understand How Nazi Germany Happened,’ Says Astonished Man Finally Playing ‘Wolfenstein 3D’

TRENTON, NJ—Shaking his head in dismay as he realized how quickly the slide into authoritarianism might occur, astonished man Dennis Burton told reporters Friday that…
American Voices, Opinion

Mark Sanford Considering Running Primary Attempt Against Trump

Republican Mark Sanford announced that he will spend the next month mulling whether to run a campaign for president in 2020, saying Trump’s rhetoric is…

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