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Vol 55: Issue 30

Local

4-Year-Old Convinced Father A Moron After 45th Consecutive Hide-And-Seek Victory

GLENDALE, PA—Expressing embarrassment and disappointment over being the son of such a loser, local 4-year-old Connor Heyward was convinced Friday that his father, Craig, was…
American Voices, Opinion

Instagram Begins Hiding Likes

Instagram has started hiding likes for a test group in Canada, a fundamental alteration to the service that many users say will allow them to…
News

Samin Nosrat Releases Updated Book ‘Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow’ About The 5 Key Elements Of Good Cooking

BERKELEY, CA—In an effort to continue breaking down the basic fundamentals of her craft, chef Samin Nosrat published her bestselling cookbook in a revised edition…
Local

Customers Relieved To See Perky 7-Eleven Cashier’s Spirit Has Finally Been Crushed

COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing their appreciation that they were once again able to shop in peace, 7-Eleven patrons were reportedly relieved Friday to discover that the perky…
American Voices, Opinion

Justice Department Resumes Capital Punishment After 2-Decade Hiatus

Attorney General William Barr directed the Bureau of Prisons to schedule the executions of five inmates convicted of murder and other crimes after nearly two…
News

Russian Operative Disappointed Gerrymandering Taking All The Fun Out Of Hacking 2020 U.S. Election

SMOLENSK, RUSSIA—Lamenting that any interesting challenge in disrupting the vote has been completely removed from his job, Russian operative Pavel Artemyev reportedly expressed disappointment Friday…

News

New Tampax High-Speed Applicator Able To Launch Tampons Into Vagina At 500 MPH

NEW YORK—Touting the state-of-the-art device as a major time-saver for women, Procter & Gamble debuted a high-speed Tampax applicator Friday capable of launching tampons into…
News

Horrified Iowan Farmer Starts Breaking Out In Corn After Coming Into Direct Contact With Monsanto Crops

MCGREGOR, IA—Panicking as kernels of the hardy self-cultivating cereal grain began spreading rapidly across his arms, legs, and torso, horrified Iowan farmer Lanny Heck broke…
News

Man Flashes Hand Stamp To Bouncer Like Badge Of Field Agent Entering Crime Scene

SAN FRANCISCO—Face grim and emotionless as if hardened by years on a special investigation force, returning rock-show attendee Paul Grasso flashed his hand stamp to…
OGN

Everything You Need To Know About ‘Wolfenstein: Youngblood’

Looking to dive into the latest installment in the Blazkowicz clan’s ongoing war against the Third Reich? Then you’ve come to the right place. Read…
Infographic, News

The Onion’s Guide To TikTok

TikTok, a short video–making app with over 500 million active monthly users, has launched a new generation of internet tastemakers, as well as generated its…
American Voices, Opinion

India’s Chandrayaan-2 Mission Heading To Moon

Following a successful launch of the Chandrayaan-2 rover mission to the moon, India is on track to become the fourth country to complete a controlled…

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