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Vol 55: Issue 32

Local

Back Bedroom Declared Off-Limits To Party Guests Like Forbidden Wing Of Decrepit Gothic Manor

TORRINGTON, CT—Warning that there was nothing for him back there, local man Chris Redding reportedly declared a bedroom in his apartment off-limits to party guest…
Local

Woman Basks In Magic Of Summer While Opening Her Mouth To Sky To Catch Air-Conditioner Drippings

CHICAGO—Letting out an excited cheer and cocking her head back whimsically toward the sky, area woman Jenna Hastings reportedly basked in the magic of summer…
American Voices, Opinion

Men And Women Equally Aroused By Pornography, Study Finds

Neural analysis has found that the sexes are equally aroused by viewing pornography, contradicting the commonly held belief that men are more visually inclined in…
News

Koch Foods CEO Applauds Immigrant Arrests As Consequence Of Illegally Accepting Job At Koch Foods

PARK RIDGE, IL—Proclaiming his appreciation for ICE in making sure that those who disobeyed U.S. law were made to pay for their crimes, Koch Foods…
Politics

Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills

WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the Trump boys attempted to counter Chinese currency manipulation Friday by…
News

Manifesto Calls On Fellow White Americans To Rise Up And Maintain Status Quo

CLIVE, IA—Urging those who shared his racial background to do what they must to hold power and subjugate people of other races, a manifesto published…

Sports

NFLPA Warns Holdouts They Need To Consider The Risk That They’ll End Up Having To Sign With Jets

WASHINGTON—Reminding players that failing to report to training camp was a high-risk move with no guarantee of success, the National Football League Players Association released…
American Voices, Opinion

Opioid Deaths Declining

Provisional government data suggests deaths in the U.S. caused by the opioid epidemic may finally be declining after a 30-year increase. What do you think?
News

Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra

NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously accused lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret of promoting unattainable beauty standards…
Infographic, News

Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S.

The recent reinstatement of the federal death penalty by the U.S. Justice Department has brought scrutiny back to the practice of capital punishment. The Onion…
Politics

Trump Campaign Denies Doctoring Photos Showing Him Speaking To 1.8 Million Shooting Victims At Dayton Hospital
American Voices, Opinion

Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago

A majority of Americans believe the country is angrier than before, with 42% saying they were angrier now than this time last year, although 91%…

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