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Vol 55: Issue 47

Sports

Kyrie Irving Debuts Signature Shoe Inspired By RFID Chips Government Secretly Implants In Anesthetized Patients

BEAVERTON, OR—Claiming he wanted a sneaker that reflected his deepest passions, NBA star Kyrie Irving held a press conference Friday to debut his new Nike…
American Voices, Opinion

Israeli Prime Minister Indicted

Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been charged with bribery, fraud, and breach of trust in connection with three separate cases, threatening his precarious efforts…
Entertainment, Magazine

Bruno Mars: In His Own Words, On Our Front Porch, Refusing To Leave
Local

Child Wondering Why Older Brother Only One To Get Funeral

AUGUSTA, ME—Claiming that he should get one if his sibling did, local child Noah Weiss reportedly wondered Friday why his older brother was the only…
OGN

Yes, Gandhi’s ‘Civilization VI’ Outfit Is Sexy, But It Would Be Seriously Impractical On A Real Battlefield

Over the years, the gaming community has been wracked with debates and controversies about the over-sexualization of gaming characters. Of course, many revel in the…
Politics

‘I Could Spare Some Change,’ Says Man About To Become Buttigieg Campaign’s Top Black Donor

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Surpassing the contribution of an African American woman who accidentally dropped a quarter in front of the presidential candidate’s headquarters last summer, local…

American Voices, Opinion

Lawsuit Claims Burger King Impossible Burgers Contaminated With Meat

A vegan sued Burger King in a suit alleging that the fast-food chain had contaminated its meatless “Impossible” Whoppers by cooking them on the same…
Local

Man Checking If Chicken Wings Got Hot Enough In Microwave Like First Responder Searching For Pulse
Local

Veterinarian Wishes Owner Would Just Let Dog Answer One Goddamn Question

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration with the constant interruptions, veterinarian Dr. Kate Ludlow wished Friday that the overbearing owner of Bella the pug would let the dog answer…
Infographic, News

The Worst Snowstorms In U.S. History

As the nation heads into another winter season, the rise of extreme weather means people across the country will be watching out for snowstorms. The…
Dispatch, News

Plan B Unveils New Line Of Space-Time Wormholes To Prevent Intercourse From Ever Happening

PITTSBURGH—In a move that could revolutionize emergency contraception, the maker of Plan B One-Step held a press conference Thursday to introduce the new product it…
Entertainment

Smiling, Knife-Wielding Marie Kondo Orders Followers To Leave Behind Cluttered Physical Forms

LOS ANGELES—After years of building a massive and devoted following through her bestselling book and subsequent Netflix series, a smiling, knife-wielding Marie Kondo has ordered…

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