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Vol 56: Issue 12

American Voices, Opinion

Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life

Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian,…
Politics

Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to…
Sports

Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed…
Politics

What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package…
American Voices, Opinion

Americans Look For Ways To Help During Coronavirus Pandemic

Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging…
Entertainment

20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future

Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.

Local

Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic…
News

Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds…
OGN

Miss E3? Check Out Our Recreation With A Bunch Of Sweating, Overheated Gamers We Locked In Our Janitorial Closet

Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19. But luckily, OGN is here…
Entertainment

10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets

All you’re likely thinking about right now is how this bifold wallet is taunting you. It’s not. You’re a psychotic individual.
American Voices, Opinion

Study Finds Female Mammals Live Longer Than Males

A large-scale study of over 100 species of mammals including orcas, reindeer, squirrels, and lions found that females live an average of 18.6% longer than…
Local

Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day Breakfast Once Again

JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of…

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